We will rise like a phoenix

Today my son has been talking non-stop about our annual beach holiday down to the South Coast. He has been asking one question after another about all the exciting things we are going to do. It has been very hard to listen to him talk about it with such longing, knowing that it is more than likely we will not be able to go this year because of everything that has happened. We have been working on a holiday fund for some time now but it looks like this money will need to be used to get through the coming months. It breaks my heart knowing that he is probably going to be badly let down at some point. The financial implications of this period are going to be serious for me, and for so many of you, and it will take time to stabilize and rebuild. In the last 3 weeks of lockdown I have been trying my best to get new kinds of work and to establish online contracts with my existing client base, but it hasn’t yielded any cash flow yet. It is making progress though, and it will certainly start to generate income soon enough. Unfortunately even when this does happen it will be unlikely that it will supplement my normal monthly earnings, which will mean there will be at least 6 – 12 months of catch-up required. The bottom line is that I don’t have this much time. My resources at this stage are already stretched, and as it stands it looks like I have about 3 months of security left until we run into trouble. At that point I will need to start making a range of decisions about a number of things like:

• Can we continue to send our son to a private school? Will we be able to pay any schools fees at all?
• Can we live on half our food consumption each month?
• Can we continue to live where we current live, or will we need to move in to my mother in laws cottage?
• Will we be able to continue to pay our lifelong family member Anna, who has been with us for over 30 yrs?
• Will we need to sell our car to free up some emergency money?
• Will I need to do any work I can find, regardless of what it is?
• Will we need to look at home schooling for a longer period, until we have our finances back in order?
• Will I need to ask family and friends to borrow money? What will they say? What possible agreements can I make with them?

I don’t have much of a back up in place. You see I have been very bad with money in the past. Lets call it one of the major ongoing consequences of addiction. Over the years of my addiction I have pretty much squandered millions. I was so out of control with my spending habits, and using habits, that I literally flushed wads of cash down the toilet on a weekly basis. It is in times like this, when reserves would have been a lifesaver, that I become painfully aware of the cost and consequences of my addiction, and the fact that my past is now directly impacting the lives and stability of my family. While it is not good to dwell in the past, the past certainly has a way of coming back to make its mark from time to time, and this is one of those times. I am not beating myself up about this, but rather I am highly aware of the cost. I know that this situation I am in right now, financially speaking, is a result of my past. I suppose it is what I do with the current situation, and how I show up going forward that matters now more than ever. How can I do what I need to do to keep us safe and stable?

As it stands all facilitation work is off the cards for at least 3 months, but I think it is more likely to last up to 6 months or more. I am working out how best to transfer my skills into online engagements, most likely in facilitating online modules with our existing clients. Then I am also working on establishing some online coaching contracts as well. There is no reason why these are not possible and probable. They just take time, which is something I have very little of right now, financially speaking. However, I am going to do the very best I can with what time and resources I have available to me. My best, at this point, is tough to achieve. I won’t lie; it has been very hard to be productive over the last 3 weeks of lockdown. I have managed to do some work, but most of the time it just isn’t possible to work well, partly because this period has been such a hard and sudden transition, and mainly because I have had my hands completely full with our kids, our house, and generally just keeping things stable at home. I have not managed to ninja my way into working effectively from home yet, and it is going to take a while to get it working better. We are trying and making some progress though. Over and above the work I usually do I am also working on adding some new revenue generating activities to my list. These include copy writing and content creation. I have spent a long time doing this kind of work so I am going to start investigating options in these areas as well. I am confident I will find this kind of work as well, it just comes down to time, and the ability to be as effective as possible with the time I have.

Being at home and not being able to go and see people, and connect with them in person, has made me feel very limited and to be honest, it has left me feeling worthlessness. I pride myself on my ability to connect with people and to create solid rapport with them. I am not finding the online methods of connection to be anything like meeting with, and engaging with people in person, and this makes me feel much less effective. Perhaps this feeling will pass with time. The massive changes of the last few weeks have brought on a huge feeling of irrelevance and ‘being forgotten’, perhaps this is why I am writing so much, just to remind people out there that I am still around?

Going through this time has raised a wide range of old personal issues and insecurities, which is why I probably feel like I do right now. It feels like I have gone backwards to a time in my life when I felt so worthless and without any personal credibility, back to a time when I had little faith in my own value. It is funny how this has happened now, especially since I have not slipped up, and the circumstances we are in right now are not of my own making. But the way I feel is exactly the same as the first day I came out of rehab. I do think that feeling this way will pass though; it will take time, as it did before, but it will pass.

There are many things I am doing right now with my family that are simply wonderful and very special to me. Regardless of the stress and worry I feel daily I am still able to spot and experience the many blessings and valuable moments that come from being with my family at home, and doing many rewarding and interesting things together. I have gotten so much value from this period with them, and it is taking us to another level of intimacy and loving connection, which I am so thankful for. I am also very aware of many other learning experiences we are all having, which are causing us all to be so grateful for so many things we have taken for granted in the past, which so many people in our world simply do not have at all, and who are constantly in a life of precariousness and volatile uncertainty.

On so many levels I am so grateful for our many blessings! On this note I am also aware that even though we are in a financial pickle, and even though things may get tough, we have many people, family and friends, who are able to help us out if we need it. Obviously this is not part of the plan but it is an amazing safety net to have, and one I am profoundly thankful for. I don’t want to have to go there but at least I know that if I needed to it would be there.

In context to the lives of so many it is clear that we are hugely privileged even in our current circumstances, compared to so many the world over, who have no back-ups or options, and who may well simply have to get used to living on the streets, or who may just fall off the edge of the world and be forgotten! As I write these lines I am becoming more and more aware of just how lucky we are, and how much my fears are, while real and relevant, and are not nearly as serious as they feel. We will be ok. Yes we may have to make huge changes, and we may need to get used to new ways of living, earning, and surviving, but we will always find a way through to the next iteration of what life brings.

I have great skills, great loving relationships, a solid network, I know I always add value, and that I can get through the toughest times intact, and that I will emerge with greater resolve, more skills, and a better understanding of this thing called life and how to roll with its changes and emergencies. These are the gifts of my upbringing, my education, my experiences, my character, my privilege, and of my eternal willingness to grow and develop through any time, especially in the toughest of times.

I may have to let my son down, and tell him we can’t do the beach this year, but in the greater scheme of things this is hardly the end of the world! We can adjust to these seemingly difficult changes, with substitutions and different experiences that offer no loss of meaning or enjoyment, even if it means going camping in the garden or just taking a local trip on a shoe-string. We can adjust and while adjusting make beautiful meaning and memories for our kids, in any iteration of what these changes may bring.

Today I have my vision set on simple wonders and meaning moments – showing my kids love and attention, finding pleasure and enjoyment in simple acts and events, asking others how they are, using creativity to supplement for lost normative experiences, offering support and help to those in trouble, and simply appreciating just how well we are doing despite the challenges! Today I am finding a glowing joy in the knowledge that we are doing a great job of dealing with things, and that with each passing day we find new crevices of value that we would may never have found as a family, had things not shifted as they have done. We are alive and we are together, and we will make it through whatever comes along! As the perceived external requirements for a ‘life that matters’ begin to drop away and become fundamentally changed we are finding the true aspects of what matters most to us as a family, and as human beings. This is gold, and it is this gold that will sustain us towards and through whatever is emerging down the road, it is this gold that will pay no bills, but will pay us far into the future. How can I be upset for these discoveries? How can I allow some financial concern overshadow these jewels of truth? I cannot allow it, and it is with these most important insights in my heart and mind that I go forward today to do what I know I can do well, do my best, accept the challenges, and allow the rest to emerge imperfectly, knowing that everything will be ok, even if life changes radically and forever!

We have all the important people and pieces we need to prevail whatever may fall. We will rise like a phoenix from the ashes intact with what matters most, and we will find whatever else we need along the way.