We play nice because we are scared to fail

At work, we like to look smart, useful, and helpful. We want others to like us and believe that we add value. For nearly 99.9% of the population, it’s part of our identity. I haven’t met the .01% but I am leaving space knowing they are out there.

For those of us who are big on making the best impression ever, we tend to avoid being intrusive, avoid seeming negative, being critical of others, and certainly not sharing mistakes we have made. Psychologists call this ‘Impression management’. It’s what we do to make ourselves look good. It keeps us feeling safe. Because if others think the best of me then I can feel ok about myself.

So we end up playing small. Not speaking up. Playing nice. We avoid the tough conversations to maintain our reputation. We substitute an external conflict for an internal one. Every time we don’t speak up we keep not only ourselves small but the team, workplace, or world around us. Because we don’t progress anything. And we certainly don’t become better. Because we are not discussing it.

I am a massive fan of Amy Edmondson, author, and expert in psychological safety. Her research tells us that better teams make more mistakes. Not less. Because they actively talk about making mistakes in order to reduce them. They use them as learning opportunities.

We don’t need to wait for the workplace to create a learning culture to do this either. Although it would be ideal. We can start with ourselves. When we do make an error, and we will because we are better at them than anything. Do we ask ourselves;

• What is my takeaway from this?
• What could I have done better in hindsight?
• How did I play small in the moment?

That’s a good start. Then add a couple of questions into your team meetings, your 1on1s and even your project meetings. Just experiment and see what happens. It could be some magic. But you’ll only know if you try.

Do you want to learn more about how to speak up to drive a learning culture at work without compromising relationships? Come along to my online session ‘The problem with nice cultures’ you can check it out here .?