We Need to Talk About Men’s Mental Health at Work

I had a very hard time being vulnerable.?I used sarcasm and humor as defenses and was determined to fulfill my father’s image of me as tough and hard-working, even though I disliked my father.?I was later to understand that we carry something called an “introject” – the voice of the parent – in our heads whether we like it or not, and this “introject” talks to some of us, goading us on, telling us sometimes we are weak and worthless if we get emotional.?It is a lose-lose, but only all the time.

My career finally blew up at Arthur Andersen, and I sought professional help.?I couldn’t hold up my mask any longer.?I remember crying and crying.?It was awkward, but I couldn’t stop.?It was like a lifetime of water gushed like torrents from my eyes.?My therapist explained that these tears were toxins, and it was very important that I let this happen.

Over the years, I have learned to honor my psychological (mental) health.?I have learned my family’s mental health wasn’t what it was cracked up to be.?I learned that families keep secrets and that no family system is ever as intact as it pretends.?Wow.?So good to know.

So, I am courageous in writing this.

But I wasn’t so courageous in speaking and acting this at my later job at Pricewaterhouse.?I pretended once again to be someone who could handle anything.?I was a ball-buster.?

I sacrificed not only my soul, but my heart and mind.?It has taken a toll.

Over the years, I have had to make amends to a family, distanced and estranged by my pretense.?I have had to explain who I was and where I had “come from,” and why they might have been having a hard time trusting me.

I say to my clients (men): “Risk it.”?“Say it” “Because I didn’t, and the price I paid has been too great.”

Each and every time I ventured some vulnerability around feelings and mental wellness or lack of it at the testosterone-fueled job I was to endure for over 30 years, I was met with understanding, empathy and compassion.?I often ran with my tail between my legs.?It was terrifying.

So, I toughened and pretended again.?My God, there isn’t a strong enough definition of imposter than this one!?Not only was I pretending myself past my abilities in my work, but I was also completely pretending myself past my emotional abilities, and I would often copy some smarmy spiritual saying I had heard, pretending to understand.?I cringe when I think of some of the things I did and said.

Eventually the pain of my pretense and repression of childhood shame became too great to handle, and I turned to alcohol and drugs.?I am told this is on the increase during COVID, as managers as well as middle workers cannot find their niche in uncertain times.

I straightened out, and I am happy to report I can refer clients to all sorts of modalities of help, from qualified counselors to 12-Step groups, or psychotherapists.

We, as coaches, are not qualified to help people undergoing enormous issues such as these.?But what I can do, and have done above, is to remind others of the human qualities I possess in talking about mental health and emotional issues and assure them of their own abilities in expressing their concerns in the right forum.

It only takes the first step…

?

For more: https://coachingwithcraigllc.com/