We Need to Talk About the "Dark Triad"

We talk a lot about toxic people at work. But what does it really mean to be toxic? Am I? Are you?

First off, if you’re worried about?being?toxic, you probably aren’t. On the other hand, if you’re worried about being?thought of?as toxic … well … you just might be.

One way to understand toxicity is through the frame of the?Dark?Triad, a cluster of personality traits that difficult or dangerous people tend to have.

If you want to build a team, it’s especially important to know when you’re dealing with?Dark?Triad?people (DTs). They often hide in plain sight and exploit the patience and goodwill of folks around them. Particularly patient, kind, and empathic people might unwittingly enable DTs because they can’t see them for what they are or fail to create effective boundaries with them.

So let’s talk about these traits, how to spot them, and what to do when you find them.

In a nutshell, the?Dark?Triad?is:

• Narcissism: Grandiosity, superiority, and a sense of entitlement — often masking feelings of inadequacy.
• Machiavellianism: Manipulative, with a cynical world view, and willing to deceive to get what they want.
• Psychopathy: Lacking empathy and emotionally cold — also tends to be impulsive and prone to taking risks.

These traits are especially problematic when they present together in the same person. They can also be hard to spot because people with these traits are often quite conscious of how they are perceived and will cultivate a charming and charismatic surface. DTs may also be surrounded by people they’ve taken in and who, unlike themselves are, kind, patient, and empathic.

There are many things to look for if you want to detect DTs, but I’ve come to depend on these three:

• Love Bombing:?A favorite ploy of cult leaders and abusive romantic partners, love bombing is when someone is effusive and direct in their praise. They’ll tell you that you are wonderful, special, and valuable. This is especially concerning when it happens very early in a relationship or during an argument or conflict.
• Lying: Telling untruths about anything — often things that seem very low stakes or innocuous. When caught in a lie, a DT person will often make an excuse (it was an oversight, exaggeration, or accidental misstatement). That said, one lie might actually?be?innocent; what you’re looking for is a pattern of making things up.
• Mistreatment of "Low Status" People: How do they treat people who have nothing to offer them? People with no power, money, or to whom they aren’t sexually attracted. Often, just watching someone interact with a server can be very telling.

So what do you do when you find a DT on your team (or, in your life)??Kim Scott in her excellent book?Just Work?breaks down problematic behavior into three categories:

• Bias: not meaning it.
• Prejudice: meaning it.
• Bullying: being mean about it.

Scott goes on to point out that each kind of misbehavior needs a different intervention. For example, everyone has biases and well-intentioned people will often respond well when these are pointed out to us. It may sting but we’ll do our best to take the feedback and try to do better.

DTs, on the other hand, will become angry and defensive when their biases are uncovered and are not interested in correcting them.

When dealing with prejudice and bullying, you need to do more than simply make the person aware of their behavior and its impact. For instance, it’s important to remember that bullies actually want to cause pain, so trying to explain how their behavior hurt you or others just lets them know that what they are doing is working.

When dealing with DTs on your team you need to, at a minimum, create a cost or consequence for bad behavior. And it’s likely you’ll need to — if you are able — kick them off the team.

The original proverb goes "A rotten apple quickly infects its neighbor." When you tolerate bad apples, you put yourself and your team at risk. So my philosophy for teammates (and friends) is:?Hire slow, fire fast.

In other words, take your time to get to know someone before you commit to them. Observe them in a variety of contexts — and get other people’s impressions of them too.

• How do they handle stress?
• How do they behave when the boss isn’t around?
• Do they love bomb, lie, or mistreat lower-status people?

If you detect a potential DT, do your best to move them out of your team quickly. While there is a concern that you’ve falsely labeled someone a DT (which is unfair) the cost of failing to detect one and keeping them on your team is extremely high.

A leader’s first job is to protect and support good team members. So my advice is to be quick and decisive rather than patient or take a wait-and-see approach — because the latter may put your team mission, and your teammates, at risk.

If you’re interested in this and other ways to build strong teams then my new course?Leading Great Teams?is for you. We begin April 27th. Join me there!

P.S. Join me for a complimentary, intro Leading Great Teams webinar April 14th. ?Grab your spot here.