We Need To Stop Pretending That We Learn From Our Failures

Have we turned the art of failing into a noble pursuit?

Is celebrating failure – elevating the experience to that of a good, even admirable experience — a byproduct of the same flawed thinking that every child who joins a team sport deserves a trophy? Have we blurred the lines so that there is practically no difference between winning and losing? I wonder if this kind of thinking might have everything to do with why mediocrity has become status-quo.

Let’s be clear, failure is not a teacher, nor is success. Losing does not teach us to win, and winning does not teach us how not to lose. It is only how we interpret our experiences, how we choose to learn, or not, from them that matters. The root of the problem may be that people don’t really know how to learn. Instead we expect teachers to “teach us.” And we can then simply blame them for our failure to learn.

"When we take full responsibility for our learning – not just what to learn, but how to learn, the word takes on a new hue."

We begin to see that curiosity is more important than knowledge, that emotional intelligence is more powerful than cognitive reasoning and questions are more powerful tools than answers. Problems shift from being obstacles to being pathways to better questions, and better questions become the means to better performance – as individuals and organizations alike. Our inquiries begin and end with interpretations. In truth, our feelings guide our beliefs and therefor our interpretations of things. Our feelings are our teachers, and how we feel about success or failure will have a meaningful impression – or not.

The inane idea behind giving every participant a trophy stems from not wanting to make anyone “feel bad.” The idea is to homogenize our feelings – make the winners feel less special – and losers less stigmatized. The underlying belief is that losing is somehow discouraging. The evidence is quite the opposite: most meaningful accomplishment stems from a strong dissatisfaction with the current status of things. We all move more deliberately and urgently when we are uncomfortable – and tend to linger lazily in our comfort zones. Moreover, we tend to be more curious when we are uncomfortable – and better able to learn. When we are satisfied with what we know – and believe it is all we need to know – we cease to have any real desire to learn. Perennial winners in any endeavor are never comfortable in their status. They have an inner drive that is fueled by a deep discomfort that keeps them needing to improve and needing to test their prowess in contest after contest. Neither winning nor losing motivates us – it is what meaning we make of the experience we have.

By softening the consequences of our performance – we deprive ourselves of the feelings that can ultimately help us see our fullest potential. And as leaders, softening the consequences of those we serve undermines one of the most basic principles of leadership: developing the fullest potential of those who look to us for guidance.

“if you want to know what kind of company or organization (or life, marriage or any relationship) you deserve, look at the one you have.”

Dr. Lee Thayer wrote, “if you want to know what kind of company or organization (or life, marriage or any relationship) you deserve, look at the one you have.” It’s helpful to note that “deserve” does not suggest entitlement. Deserve literally means, “to serve.” It’s “you get what you pay for” – and you must work hard for what you want. The old adage is “whether you believe you can or can’t, you are right.”

So, a good question might be, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” It may be helpful to remember – that you can work just as hard to perfect the art of failure as you can the art of success. In reality, the only way to truly know the difference is to have your life guided by a strong sense of purpose – and a feeling of duty to that purpose. It is in the moments of service to our cause – that we experience true failure or success.

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Phil Liebman earned his Master of Leadership Arts and Sciences at The Thayer Institute - studying High Performance Organizations and Competent Leadership under Dr. Lee Thayer. You can learn more about what it takes to become a more effective leader and building and growing sustainable high-performance organizations by visiting ALPS Leadership at www.ALPSLeadership.com