We need to be more like our kids right now

It’s been a week of hard conversations, listening, and learning for all of us. That includes our kids. There is a lot happening in our country right now, and none of it is easy to understand. 

In many ways, parenthood is a universal connector. True, each parenting journey is unique; challenging and thrilling in it’s own right. But the experience of building a family is a universal bond that connects us across identities, political affiliations, race, religion, and sexual orientation. We are each hurting in our own way right now, but the pain of a parent is a particular pain; empathy grows through parenthood. That is not to say parents are uniquely able to feel pain, but that having a kid is a singular experience that permanently changes your considerations, perspective on the world, and engagement with the community around you. I felt that deeply these past few weeks, as I know each of you did. 

Unsurprisingly, the conversations on Kunik this week have focused on how we’re talking about the current events with our children and at work. Since our inception, inclusion has been core to our mission. Kunik is intentionally built to welcome all working parents; I firmly believe that we cannot change the current reality for working parents until we open the conversation to include all voices. There is no change when conversations happen in silos. That is true of the conversations happening today as well, from race and racism to criminal justice reform, and politics; we must open these conversations in order to drive change. This means including the voices of our children. As parents, our responsibility is to educate our kids and show them the world in all it’s reality. 

There have been many great suggestions and resources circulating online about how to educate and talk with kids of all ages about race and racism. They’re valuable, thoughtful, and allow parents to take action immediately. However, it is also critical that these not be one-off conversations, especially for white parents like myself. How should we continue these conversations once this period of national momentum has inevitably died down? 

Improving the world for the next generation is not always first and foremost on all of our minds, but no one has a kid and thinks “I sure hope I leave my child a worse world than he/she entered.” Inaction and silence will lead to a worse world. Building a better world, or trying to, is one of our duties as parents. In this case, that means having hard, but essential, ongoing conversations with your kids. It means educating ourselves and our kids, repeated action, and doing better than we have. I say that for myself, my family, and Kunik as much as anyone. Inclusion is a founding principal of ours, but there are many places where we’ve fallen short. We can’t fix it all overnight, but we can start working on it immediately. We won’t always get it right, no one does, but don’t let that be an excuse not to try. We owe it to our kids and to each other’s kids. 

What I want to say to our community is that if you are struggling, if you are hurting, if you are angry, if you are confused; we’re right there with you. There is so much pain and anger right now, and it’s exceptionally difficult to process. The stakes are high because our kids are looking to us for answers to questions we may not be able to answer. There are no simple answers. This will be an ongoing, evolving process; change takes time. 

It’s never been clearer that we need community. As I think about the value and importance of community, I think about kids. In school, and at home, they are (hopefully) given a safe, nurturing place to learn, grow, develop, and change. Babies are born ready to learn and their rate of growth and development is truly astonishing. I have an 11 month old baby. Every day I see him master a new skill or try something new and completely fail, and still wake-up full of awe and ready to learn. As a parent, it’s magical. It doesn’t stop with babies. Have you talked much with a young kid recently? The questions that come out of their mouths will blow your mind. Sometimes they’re truly insightful, other times they’re completely off-the wall. Kids constantly ask questions about everything (ask a parent of a young kid - it’s enough to drive you mad). They’re not hindered by fear, embarrassment or shame in not knowing. They ask whatever they want and wait for an answer. They don’t have an existing, pre-formulated answer waiting and ready in their mind. They’re a blank slate. 

Community and conversation alone won’t solve what is so fundamentally broken. It will not heal the deep pain so many unjustly suffer. But it is a part of the solution. We need space to listen, share, and learn. We must try to emulate our kids - to ask the questions we’re too shy, scared, or embarrassed to ask. But then we have to truly be open to hearing the answers, especially when they make us uncomfortable and challenge our thinking. It’s a time for many of us to step back and listen, to allow for silence and answers we don’t immediately agree with, and to ignore our preconceived, preformulated answers. To pause before jumping in to speak. 

The events of the last week have been compounded by the stark void of community we’re all experiencing right now. Our lives are distanced and isolated at a time when we desperately need togetherness. We’re not having conversations in the office, in hallways, and elevators. We’re not out overhearing conversations in coffee shops, restaurants, and bars. We’re not running into people and spontaneously sharing what’s on our mind and how we’re processing. It’s a difficult and lonely time to have the in-person community interactions we’re so used to suddenly taken away from us. If you cannot physically be with other people, do not let that stop you from listening and asking. Ask questions on the phone, online, or in whatever forum you have. Share what you’re hearing, ask more questions and talk to your family. It’s a time to learn and build as a community. No one does anything big alone, we do it together.