We need to change the way we address negative behaviours
Integrity Executive Coaching
Ethics | Social Responsibility | Sustainability
Context to this article
I’m not a criminal psychologist but I have studied psychology and aspects of psychology and neuroscience are evidently rooted in coaching and my work.
It will be no surprise to you then to know that have become fascinated by criminal psychology and what it teaches us about childhood development and specifically what drives people to do “bad” things.
I love December for many reasons.? One of those being that amongst the busyness, time does start to slow down and it's also the time of the year when BBC Radio 4 airs the Reith Lectures.? This time the topic was about violence and what makes some people engage in violent acts, with forensic psychiatrist Dr Gwen Adshead leading the discussion which included questions and contributions from prisoners at HMP Grendon, the United Kingdom's only?therapeutic prison community?for the treatment of serious sex offenders and violent offenders. ?
The 2024 Reith Lectures was aired around the time that the allegations about the TV and MasterChef presenter Greg Wallace were becoming public.
I was motivated to write this article after following both the news and the Reith lectures and observing the reactions on social media and the way the media covered the evolving narrative related to Greg Wallace’s conduct.
The key theme of this article is about how we challenge, hold to account and properly support and enable the so-called “perpetrators” of “bad” behaviour to do better. This is a complex issue and one that involves careful discussion.? To state for the record, I am not condoning bad behaviour.
Some may find what I unpack here controversial or may find they are judging me and what I am saying. Some may wholly disagree with what I explore and the points I make.? That’s all ok. I encourage you to read on, especially if you find yourself experiencing some negative reactions to what I say.? I invite you to get curious about what specifically you may be finding disagreeable.? These reactions are human and therefore normal. We are conditioned to make snap judgements about sensational news items and we have lost (or perhaps we never truly mastered) the art of complexity, ambiguity and, as a wise colleague and dear friend says; playing in the grey.
I encourage you to read on for the moral of this story is an important one.
What are “negative” or “bad” behaviours?
The allegations and subsequent conclusions of the HR investigation against Greg Wallace are of course serious.? Also serious are the acts of crime that Dr Gwen refers to during her lectures.? I’m not going to discuss serious crimes in this article, nor am I going to discuss the specifics of the Greg Wallace claims and story other than what we must learn from the broader culture and context that Greg was operating in.? Which I will explore later.
I reference both these topics because of their relevance to the key themes and the lessons they hold about how we deal with all negative behaviours.
And so to define what I mean by “negative” or “bad” behaviours; these are behaviours which cause harm to others. By harm I mean behaviours which denigrate, diminish, minimise, belittle, and hurt those individuals impacted, either physically or emotionally or both.
In this article I’m talking about people doing bad things.? I am considering the intention behind these bad behaviours and deeds and unpacking whether or not these deeds make them a bad person.? I also consider the extent to which we are all capable of doing bad things and therefore question: does this fact makes us bad people too?
Read on to find out.
How a coaching lens can enable a useful perspective
But first, let's got back to some fundamental principles of coaching. ?
In my work, there are four principles (or “presuppositions” as they are referred to in Neuro-Linguistic Programming - NLP) that are the cornerstone to my coaching practice.? These are:
Reading these principles in the context of the Greg Wallace story, I am guessing you will already have some sense of why these matter so much.? I will link back to these principles throughout this article.
Operating by these principles means that I am able to tap into unhelpful, limiting and unconscious beliefs and assumptions that my clients make and hold.? When I am able to do this, I am able to help them unlock the patterns of behaviours that are keeping them stuck and that often are causing them harm or causing harm to those around them.
My clients are not criminals!? They are successful business leaders and normal human beings who are imperfect and flawed just like all of us.? The only difference, if there is any, is that my clients are brave enough to seek out support to do better.
I’ve been observing human behaviours for more than two decades.? I was fortunate to be trained in NLP and coaching techniques very early in my working life initially working with adults who were entrenched in destructive patterns of behaviours. So I know I thing or two about why people do the things they do.
And the point with coaching is not just about seeking to understand to gain a level of acceptance over bad behaviours, coaching is about making lasting positive changes.? And this is why holding on to these principles is so critical when considering the theme of this article.
A useful point of framing
For the purposes of simplicity, in this article I’m not referring to the very small percentage of adults who are believed to posses psychopathic or narcissistic traits. ?We need to be careful how we apply such labels to people.
According to clinical experts, about 1.2% of US adult men and between 0.3 to 0.7% of US adult women are considered to have significant levels of psychopathic traits.? And according to research data between 0.5% and 5% of the US population may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).? In other words, most of don’t possess these conditions or personality traits.
So when I talk about “bad” or “negative” behaviours, I am referring to behaviours which so called “normal” humans are capable of and indeed do enact.
The power and the privilege of the so-called “perpetrator"
Greg Wallace is yet another TV “talent” who has had several allegations raised and subsequently substantiated against him over a number of years (that we know of).?
The meaning of this term “talent” is of course really about those personalities who come to be revered by the public.? Who take their place as our national treasures, receive awards, accolades and have Royal honours bestowed upon them.? They become untouchable and in so doing, become irreproachable.? ?
The term “talent” also came under some scrutiny as if the word itself somehow was the sole root cause and that by changing the language, all those involved in the situation and aware of the claims being made against Mr Wallace and who did nothing were also then absolved.? More on that in later.
I challenge any decent human being to remain unaffected and unchanged when other humans are continually kowtowing to your every need and whim.? History reminds us time and again that power corrupts. And those that find themselves catapulted into the limelight, often from lowly beginnings without the right guidance and support are the most likely candidates for corruption.
I’d like to briefly explore the wider context and history of the behaviours that, according to the subsequent HR investigation were "unacceptable and unprofessional". ?
In 2023 Greg Wallace revealed that he had been sexually assaulted as an 8 year old boy in his family home by a trusted adult. Child sex abuse is of course a deeply traumatic experience and without proper support given at the time, the negative consequences will affect those who have been victims into adult-hood.? It is widely known by criminal psychologists and those operating in the criminal justice system that perpetrators of crimes are often, if not usually themselves victims of crime as children. I say this not to condone bad adult behaviours but to seek to understand the bigger picture.?
Let us also now consider the specific working context in which these allegations took place.? Because, whilst one person may have been the “perpetrator”, that person was operating in a wider context that also warrants examination.? As the HR investigation itself is evidence.? I shall explore the prevailing culture from a leadership perspective further below.
In the media world, we know that there are long shifts, colleagues working often late into the evenings. We know that to produce the programmes we consume, film and operational crews work closely together and are often filming away from their homes in different locations. In those situations the line between the professional and the personal gets compromised. ?
Drinks after work, dinners out after a long filming session, blurred lines between co-worker relationships and co-worker conversations and often, a lapse in judgement, guard and professional boundaries.
If anyone has ever worked in an environment where drinks were once a common part of the working week, I’m sure we are all guilty of saying or doing something that we believe to be innocent, that to another, could have been unwelcome, offensive, insensitive, hurtful or careless.? I’m pretty sure I have.
Does that make me a bad person?
Again and for the record, I absolutely do not condone the behaviours that have ben alleged and found to be "unacceptable and unprofessional”.? The fact that these behaviours were plural, and by that I mean were repeated again and again is an important point and I will also cover in this article.
It was right that these behaviours were challenged and I applaud those who did.
But does the fact that these behaviours took place make the “perpetrator” a bad person in every respect of his character?? Does this fact make him deserving of having his entire life spread over every newspaper in the country and on every social media feed, the subject of scrutiny by us all as armchair experts, leaving his career and his life in tatters with everyone having a judgement on his person?
Calling out bad behaviour is the right thing to do but the way we go about managing and addressing this behaviour has to be different if we are honest and genuine about wanting meaningful, tangible, lasting, positive change.
Leadership culture and institutions
The bigger issue in this specific context and one that has barely been discussed is the prevailing culture that existed (and likely still exists) that enabled this behaviour to take place and take place time and time again unchallenged.? And I mean specifically the prevailing leadership culture of the organisation.
It is the systemic nature of these behaviours that is so insidious and so damaging.?
Once might be an innocent mistake. Twice might be an unfortunate error in judgement.? Three times might be careless.? But four, five, six…?
We’ve heard it all before.? Many times.? Issues being raised by junior staff who as well as being junior, are often from marginalised and under-privileged groups. By marginalised and under-privileged, I mean anyone who tends not to be a middle-aged white man at the top of an organisation like the ones we are talking about.
For the record, I am not labelling all white middle aged men the same.? We also know of women also in powerful positions who have gone to great lengths to cover up and protect themselves, not least Paula Vennells and the part she played in the Post Office scandal.
This backlash of men as a homogeneous group is as damaging to our society as the negative behaviours I am exploring today but please allow me some creative licence.
Back to my key point.? What we are talking about is a power imbalance.? Those in senior leadership positions who acquire specific privileges (often undeserved and not commensurate with their level of performance), who become so ensconced in their own blinkered narrative, who allow hubris to take over from humility and who time and again dismiss anyone who ever dares to challenge them and their precious privilege.?
We have witnessed it with the Lucy Letby case, we see it with the Post Office scandal, with the BBC and media many times over, with the NHS blood contamination scandal, Windrush.? Cover up, after cover up, and those in power dumbing down the validity of those who experience enduring bad behaviour. ?
To do nothing is to condone and to condone is to commit.
These leaders are as much the perpetrators as the Greg Wallaces of this story.? They too need to examine their own behaviours and belief systems.? They too need to be held to account and they too need to learn the lessons.
A matter of “public interest”
When it comes to the reporting of these stories, especially as they are unfolding in real time where the facts have yet to be established, it is a very fine line that exists between serving the public interest and serving the media outlets’ own corporate interests by sensational reporting to garner views or hits.
If stories like those about Greg Wallace are genuinely matters of public interest and if we are in agreement about the role, if not the duty of the media in highlighting them to us, then what is the point of stories like these being of interest if we are not able to learn from them?
Where is the learning that we have gained from the Greg Wallace story?
What are the practical actions that have been undertaken as a direct result of these lessons and what is the measure of their subsequent positive impact?
Where are the system changes that have been enacted as a result of the HR investigation?
Where is the cultural review and the investigation into the senior executives who stood by for years doing nothing?
Where is the accountability and where is the governance?
If none of these things exist then all that has been achieved is the downfall of yet anther once much loved personality and the absolution of those who allowed this behaviour to persist.? To me, that is the worst kind of bad behaviour.
The importance of understanding intent
The concept and meaning of intent is of great interest and fascination to me as without conscious awareness of our behaviours, it can appear that as humans we sometimes do things “with intent”.? Unintended consequences exist because of this truth.? Things happen that we once could not have possibly foreseen because they simply didn’t occur to us. ?
If we do not take the time to examine our consciousness, then we are not really aware of the automatic beliefs that we are operating from and that drive our behaviours, and therefore also drive our negative behaviours. ?
This is the concept which underpins Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
In 2020 researchers at Queens University calculated that humans think over 6,000 thoughts per day.? Scientists also estimate that around 95% of brain activity is unconscious.
To distill coaching down to its core purpose, it is to uncover the unconscious assumptions, biases and limiting beliefs that we all possess for the simple fact that we are human and we only ever see the world through our own lens.? There are over 8 billion other human lenses through which to view the world. ?
So one person can never truly appreciate the world from the perspective of another human being.? And when we return to the point about challenging “negative” behaviours, how can we ever really say that one person is “right”, over another?? What really gives one person the authority to take that judgement?
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Off with his head!
Judge lest ye be judged Matthew 7:1-5 said Jesus when he delivered his sermon on the mount.
History reminds us that anyone suspected of treason or other wrong doings were castigated, usually by a gruesome and tortuous form of punishment resulting in death. ?
If you have recently read or watched the TV adaptation of :Wolf Hall” and “The Mirror and the Light” by Hilary Mantel, you will know all too well that the one dishing out those punishments may very quickly find themselves on the receiving end of those same punishments.
We can all take heed from this history lesson.
I’d like to think we had evolved beyond this harsh form of punishment towards more restorative practices, the likes of which were explored during the Reith Lectures of 2024.? These restorative measures are grounded in humanity and the fact that as humans we are all capable of doing bad things.
I’m obviously not saying that those pointing the finger of blame towards Greg Wallace are culpable of the same behaviours.? But they are capable of them.? And they are also capable of causing upset, hurt, pain and shame to others, with or without intent.? As we all are.? So whilst it is right to call out the behaviour, it is the way in which these behaviours have then been handled by the media and on social media that is where I’d like to draw attention to. ?
Before we judge, before we label, before we condemn, we should always look to ourselves first and ask, what would I have done in those circumstances?? How would I behave if I had lived in that persons shoes?? Could there be a situation in which I might find myself in that position and how would I wish to be treated then? How would I wish someone I love to be treated if it were them?
Judgement vs. discernment
So when it comes to tackling “bad” behaviour, we all need to learn the distinction between judging and discerning.? Judging places us and the other person in positions of right or wrong, attack and defence.? One person assumes a moral high ground and in so doing, dehumanises the other person.
Discernment enables us to retain a level of objective curiosity.? We can stay neutral and open to the multiple and nuanced different perspectives that exist in order to arrive at a more positive outcome for all parties.
Discernment takes account of the wider context. And referring back the presuppositions of NLP, discernment places the responsibility equally on both parties in a dynamic or conversation to seek to understand the meaning behind the action or words rather than simply judging those words or actions.?
We may view and address a one-off flippant yet hurtful remark differently to a series of pejorative remarks which may demonstrate a pattern of negative behaviours that warrant a different and more stringent remedy.
Criminal psychologists explore the “red flags”.? These are the warning signals which indicate when a one off action might lead to a series of behaviours that indicate a more serious underlying negative belief or values system which requires a more serious intervention.
Senior leaders who are aware of repeated behaviours also have a duty to take action at the first warning to prevent further harmful instances. ? Applying discernment would lead to a more supportive and restorative intervention after one instance of negative behaviour, with more serious consequences if the “perpetrator” does not take action or positively engage in that support. ?
If we label the perpetrator as a “bad” person in absolute terms, then what hope do they really have of learning and doing better?? What hope is there for us all if we can never be forgiven and never have the opportunity to do better? ?
We know in business performance, the greatest lessons often come from failure.? Why can it not be the same for humans?
I wonder how different the outcome might have been for all involved, had the behaviours that Greg Wallaces displayed been handled differently the first time they were called out?
And of you are sitting on the fence at this point and finding it challenging not to judge, that’s a normal human response.
Try this exercise out:
What do you think about the intention of this person now?
The damage of shame
When someone is attacked, they will defend.? It is a basic human instinct.? Being defensive is the response we get when we target a person and not their behaviour.
Public shaming of a character is not the way to address their bad behaviour and we saw that with the response on social media from Mr Wallace after the first allegations were made public.
Blaming and shaming which will only ever serve to humiliate and denigrate the perpetrators.? As Dr Gwen explained during the 2024 Reith Lectures, denigrating and shaming (offenders) doesn’t work (Episode 4).
When we shame someone, and public shaming is about as shameful as it gets, that person, without the right support, will become alienated.? When someone becomes alienated, ostracised, isolated, they are highly unlikely to engage in constructive activities that would enable them to reflect on their behaviour. They are less likely to accept their bad behaviour and to take the right actions to either make amends where it may be appropriate to do so, or to learn the lesson so that their negative behaviour is no longer repeated.? When someone feels shame, they are more likely to experience feelings of fear and anger and those feelings are more likely to incite further negative behaviours.
For true restoration and reform, we must learn the means to engage with perpetrators constructively in order to challenge their negative behaviour effectively.
In Episode 3 of the Reith Lectures some of the prisoners who had specifically requested and applied to go to HMP Grendon, spoke openly and rawly about the need for emotional literacy in our society and the requirement to create spaces, cultures and relationships where negative emotions can be expressed safely so that negative behaviours may be mitigated.
The remorse that these prisoners felt about the crimes they had committed was palpable over the radio waves.? They will have to live with the consequences of their actions in perpetuity, yet those who spoke about their experiences did not sound bitter. They sounded healed. ?
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The feminine and the masculine in leadership
One of the offenders spoke clearly about the benefit of learning to be “soft”, coming to terms with his actions by being in an environment which encouraged openness, vulnerability, empathy and sharing without judgement.? He was referring to how society has typically viewed those feminine traits as being weak, yet how much they are needed when it comes to raising and nurturing functioning and whole members of society.
When we are prepped and primed to deploy those typically “feminine” qualities such as empathy, humility, awareness, a sensitivity to cues and triggers which might impact the other person or the environment conducive for an effective conversation, we all benefit.
This isn’t a feminist argument.? Both sexes exist.? We need both, but we are severely lacking in the leadership qualities of one.
If like me, you are anxious about the damaging rhetoric espoused by the likes of Andrew Tate, then we each have a part to play in how we navigate negative emotions and behaviours.? Which includes how we navigate our our own and better support those around us.
Flawed human beings
To return to one of the presuppositions of NLP;
Accept the person; change the behaviour.
This means that the positive worth of a person is held constant, even if the value and appropriateness of their behaviour is questioned.
How can this presupposition help us?
I am a flawed human being and so is every other human being on this planet. ? In my line of work I coach clients (not on this specific topic) about all the ways their limiting belief systems and unconscious conditioning drive negative behaviours which have negative consequences on themselves and others.? The tools and techniques I use enable my clients to acknowledge the reality that each of us must come to terms with eventually, that is we are not broken, but we are all flawed.
Being flawed is part of what makes us human. Being flawed is not a flaw in itself.? Once we can accept that of ourselves and for others, we can start to look at what is happening with more objectivity and less emotional charge.? When we are able to come to terms with this, we tend to operate more frequently from our healthy egos and from that place, we can take better decisions, take more sportive actions.
Instead of categorising people into “bad” and “good” as absolutes, with those that we chose to label as bad being cast out, ostracised, isolated and shamed, we must come to accept that we can all do bad things but that those bad things do not make us a wholly bad person.
As a human being I am as flawed as any of the leaders who we see operating in ways which harm other people and harm the planet. The difference I commit to making and that my clients commit to making, is the ability to admit when something could be done better and address it in real time.? That ability comes from having humility and awareness.? These are the two ingredients that are cultivated through interventions like coaching and other forms of personal development.?
When these two qualities exist, we are able to hold the mirror up to ourselves, and to others with compassion in order that we can undertake the necessary personal inquiry to see where we might have gone wrong and how we can course-correct.
These are the two qualities that we need more of in our world, especially from our leaders.
Revenge is a bitter pill
Vengeful feelings are valid in those moments when we have just been hurt or upset.? But acting on those vengeful thoughts and feelings doesn’t yield long term sustainable positive outcomes. An eye-for-an-eye is not the way to meaningful change, it is the path to perpetuating bad behaviours where ultimately, we all lose.
If anyone has felt vengeful thoughts recently (I certainly have in the past) then take a pause to consider the extent to which those feelings created a more positive outcome or how much more negative you felt as a result of harbouring such negative and possibly even hurtful thoughts?
Even if you have no intention of doing harm to someone who caused hurt to you or someone you love, harbouring negative thought about that person and pointing the finger of blame does nothing to abate those negative feelings.
When we feel negative feelings for longer than is necessary, we are more prone to stress, anger and sadness who can lead to depression or anxiety.? We get sick.? We suffer when we harbour negative feelings towards another person, even if they are the ones who are “guilty” or “at fault”.
The only true way move past these negative feelings is through empathy, humility and ultimately, through acceptance that what has happened is done, and it cannot be undone.?
The neuroscience of choosing the positive
We have a choice in these moments.? We are prone to resist the positive and default to the negative (it’s how we stayed alive as homo-sapiens always on the look out for danger).? Yet in those moments when we are first triggered by something negative, the science shows us that we have a choice and that the more we cultivate positive thoughts, the more we create positive outcomes. ?
This is not simply a case of “thinking positive” which is nothing more than toxic positivity.? This is about a commitment to working with our minds to actively choose differently. In so doing, we create new neural pathways which over time and with practice, become our new default ways of thinking and behaving.
We may not be able to control or change the things which happen to us, but we are always in control of what we do next.
Change is a process not an event
I know from my work, that just because we know we “shouldn’t” do something or we gain new awareness about something that we need to change, the process of stopping doing that thing doesn’t happen automatically with this new knowledge. Especially if it is a behaviour, belief or habit that we have operated by for decades and that may well have served us well for a time and up to a point.
Changing behaviour starts with awareness, but it doesn’t end there.
Genuine, lasting, positive change requires practice, dedication, commitment to the process, repetition, “failing”, going again, and again, and again, reflecting, noticing, observing, course-correcting.? Change involves looking at the ugly truth of ourselves and coming to terms with it.
Above all, genuine change requires us to imagine alternative options for how to navigate a common pot hole in our behaviour and in turn that requires some shred of belief that change is possible.
Meaningful change is really hard and yet as humans, we are conditioned to expect results immediately.? When we operate with this expectation, we are more likely to give up, not follow through, or undermine or negate the progress we are making if the resulting change hasn’t yet been achieved.
As a recovering organisational performance specialist, setting goals is of course a valuable practice, yet when it comes to measuring progress, a better measure is to gaze back and asses how far we have come from our baseline starting point, and not whether or not we have achieved the arbitrary target we are aiming for.
So my plea to us all is to demand more, demand better, demand higher, but evaluate a person’s behaviour based on their progress, commitment and effort.
As I near the end (and thanks for staying the course!), let me finish with this: If I were coaching those embroiled in a scenario like the ones we have read about and seen played out over the media like a terrible soap opera, then here are some prompts that I would encourage each to consider.
Those in senior leadership roles who did nothing
I am of course directing this to those who were aware of what was going on. ?
The “perpetrator”
The “privileged” few who spoke up
Thank you. Good on you for your courage and selflessness. ?
We still live in a patriarchy and we need those brave people (“privileged” women in this case) to speak up. Those of us who can should for those of us who can’t.
We may (still) be the underdog in some contexts, but there are always those who are less privileged than us and we must always do our best to make our society inclusive, safe and equal for all.
I have nothing but adoration and admiration for those of you who dared to speak up.
My only ask is this:
Is there anything else you could do now that would enable others to be able to follow in your footsteps?
The rest of us as bystanders and witnesses to the unfolding stories (who do not possess all the facts and have no direct experience)
A final note from me, the author
Those that know me and my business know that I am passionate about ethical business and sustainability.? I only work with businesses and business leaders who are mission driven to have a net positive impact on people and planet.
So what does this article have to do with my business and operating ethos?
Well, to me it’s simple really.? I know from more than two decades observing and managing leadership behaviours that conscious humans who are invested in becoming more self aware make better choices.? If those humans are leaders and business owners who have the ability and influence to make a positive impact with those choices, then the world gets better for all of us.
Leaders who are self-aware generally don’t operate in ways which actively damage the planet and harm other people. ?
Leaders who are self-aware are invested in trying to make better choices and widening their circle of influence to enable others to do the same.? They use their influence to leverage better outcomes and we all gain when that happens.
Leaders who undertaken some introspection tend to? be those that pay taxes and put back in the proverbial tin because they have healed the wounds that once caused them to hoard their riches at all cost and in operate in ways which create negative impacts for others around them and society.
That’s why I am so passionate about enabling all of us to become just that little bit more self-aware because when we all do that, the difference we can make is exponential.