We need to challenge toxic masculinity

"Of all the pieces of advice I received while growing up, none confused me more than the admonishment of ‘boys don’t cry!’ (variations include ‘take it like a man,’ ‘man up,’ or ‘suck it up'). I vividly remember the first time I contravened this principle – during my first viewing of Mufasa’s harrowing death scene in the original Lion King – as well as the inner turmoil that ensued. To my young mind, displaying emotion was antithetical to what it meant to be a real man and I felt deeply ashamed for succumbing to my ‘weaknesses'.

Despite seeming frivolous on the surface, the memories of being mocked by my friends for crying at a film are still seared into my brain, marking my first encounter with toxic ideas of masculinity.

From the moment we are born, we are being taught about gender. We are given a sex at birth and, due to the binary nature of our society, it is usually 'male' or 'female'. Throughout childhood, we get taught about the roles, behaviours, and attributes that are considered appropriate to that female or male identity through observation and interaction with people in schools, at home, and through television and advertisements. “Gender socialization” is the term that is used to refer to the processes by which children and young people are taught and come to learn about the roles, behaviours, and attributes that their society associates with maleness and femaleness respectively.

The term masculinity, then, refers to the roles, behaviours, and attributes that are associated with maleness and instruct what men and boys should be and how they should act (i.e., ways of being a 'real man'). I like to think of it as a set of stage directions – a ‘script’ men learn to perform to gain entry into the 'world of men.' Following on from this, toxic masculinity is where the notions and ideals of masculinity lead to dire consequences for the man himself, and for the people around him. In many cultures, toxic ideas of masculinity include traits such as aggression and toughness, using force and violence in relationships, bullying, and harassment, homophobia, misogyny, refusing to seek help when struggling (mentally or physically), and engaging in risky behaviour that might cause harm to oneself or others.

These characteristics of toxic masculinity are embedded within men from a very young age and are presented as the ‘natural’ way in which men are supposed to act. However, there is no one universal way ‘to be a man.’ There are various masculinities (and femininities) that exist and operate in relation to each other – including positive transformative masculinities.

Positive transformative ideas of masculinity seek to challenge negative and harmful ideas of what a “real man” is and aims to help boys and men construct helpful and life-giving ideas of masculinity, which emphasize values of equality, respect, and dignity for people of all gender identities. The overall aim is to contribute towards the multiplication of gender-equitable men in our communities. These are boys and men who are caring and sensitive, respect women, children, and other men, are willing to share responsibilities and chores in the home, use dialogue, not violence or aggression, to resolve conflict and challenge sexual and gender-based violence whenever they encounter it.

As such, the core of Ntsika yeThemba’s 3-year project aims to break down these toxic ideas of masculinity, while creating a space for dialogue and learning between young men, about how positive transformative masculinities can contribute toward a more just and equal society. Through our various empowerment workshops, mentorship initiatives, mental health support mechanisms, and outdoor adventure-based education, we provide a starting point for the holistic development of young boys from township communities by equipping them with the necessary skills and tools to embody healthier, less violent, egalitarian masculinities.

Our workshops utilize a human rights framework and masculinities-based approach, providing men with a safe space for discussion and critical reflection, enabling them to learn and unlearn in a productive manner. Furthermore, our sessions are designed to be gender-transformative in nature, which means that the program seeks to transform gender relations through critical reflection and the questioning of individual attitudes, masculinities, institutional practices, and broader social norms that create and reinforce gender inequalities and vulnerabilities.

Although ending GBV through challenging toxic masculinity is a long-term and arduous journey, it is necessary and the only way to truly change people’s minds, behaviour and bring about substantive change in the lives of South Africans. In my own life, for example, unlearning toxic ideas of masculinity has enabled me to see myself as a holistic human being, who is able to express a wide range of emotions and treat others, and myself, with kindness, dignity, and respect.

By embodying healthier forms of masculinity, I am able to look back at my young self who cried at Lion King not with derision and shame, but with love and understanding. It is our hope that through the Ntsika yeThemba project, we can help many other young men free themselves from the chains of toxic masculinity.

- NTSIKA YETHEMBA COORDINATOR, EDWARD JACOBS