We need better words for death and grief.
Heather Pownall
Award Winning Media and Marketing Consultant | The kind networker | Podcast producer & host | Public Speaker
We have been dying since the dawn of time... so why are we so bad at finding the right words for grief and loss?
Have you ever felt like?the words around grief aren't enough? That they don't truly convey?the devastation grief causes?
Heather remembers that when she lost her mum, “I miss her”, felt like such a frivolous phrase to describe what had actually happened. You miss the sunshine, you miss autumn – how could she use such silly words to convey how she actually felt about the loss of her mother?
And that’s only a tiny part of how hard we all find it to talk about loss. We have so many euphemisms for death, a way of avoiding the bluntness and finality?of the word ‘dead’. A Marie Curie survey found that the most common euphemism was ‘passed away’ – though we know quite a few people who find that phrase too gentle and indirect.?And it's hard to imagine using "kicked the bucket?– second on their list?– when talking about someone?who was really dear to us. Even the somewhat universal phrase "R.I.P." evokes very different responses in people.
Words matter
The language around death and grief is also different from culture to culture. In Irish Gaelic, “he died” is fuair sé bás, which literally translates as “he got death”. In this sense, death feels more active. In English, it’s as though you have no agency in your death, but in the Irish, the person who's dying has agency. And that matters – the way we talk about the person who died affects how we feel about them, and the loss of them. Isn’t that why we sometimes talk about people ‘fighting’ illnesses?
None of this is to say we think there is a right way or wrong way to talk about death. You should be able to use whatever words help you the most – we’ve both used ‘passed away’ before because it sounds softer, less?brutal – and if it helps people talk about their grief, that can only be a good thing. But for an experience that’s so universal to have so many phrases, shows how hard we are still trying to find the right words. The fact we disagree about the best expressions suggests we need even more ways to talk about it… and we need to talk about it more.
Of course, we’ll be talking much more about the language around death and grief on the podcast, but in the meantime, feel free to get in touch by replying to this email, and let us know your thoughts.
Until next month,
PS: If you read our first newsletter, you'll know we were both big fans of?Friends,?so we were so sad to hear the news about Matthew Perry. We've posted about why he meant something to us?on our Instagram?– read it here.
Every month, we'll share some of the books, quotes, podcasts and more that have?helped us?– we hope they'll help you too.
With the End in Mind, by Kathryn Mannix
What if everything you thought you knew about death was wrong??How should we prepare for dying and saying our goodbyes??
We feel like everyone should read this book. Written?by Dr Kathryn Mannix, who has spent her medical career working with people with incurable illnesses, it acknowledges that death is unavoidable, and that the best thing we can do is take a deep breath and have the difficult conversations now. It's not always an easy read, but it's an important (and sometimes funny) one, and made such a difference to the way we thought about death and dying.
The Good Mourning podcast
If you need a podcast that deals with grief while being?relatable, honest and humorous, then Good Mourning is a great place to start.?
Started by two friends who both lost their mothers in their early 30s, the podcast aims to provide support for anyone experiencing grief who wants to avoid 'doom and gloom'. They interview all sorts of experts on grief, loss and mental health in a straightforward, candid and totally authentic way - perfect if?you want to cut through all the platitudes and avoidance and hear real people talking about real grief in a way that is genuinely helpful. Their book is worth a look too!
Many of you may know Heather; if you do, you will know she is a massive Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan?– she's?been watching and re-watching the series since it aired over 25 years ago. Time and time again, Buffy and her Scoobie gang triumph over the evils of darkness, good over bad, whilst surviving high school and navigating through young adulthood. The writing is sharp and taboos are challenged and reframed. You could argue the gang deals with death on a daily basis, walking through the dust of slayed vamps, and torching giant snake monsters (one of which?used to be the mayor of Sunnydale).?
They live in a town where the mortality rate is larger than your usual suburban area, but it is not until season 5 that true loss and real grief hit this group in the episode called ‘The Body.’ In this episode, there are no monsters to fight, no vampires to slay, only the harsh, brutal reality of losing a parent suddenly and?to natural causes. You witness each character wrestle with the enormity of this loss, but it is the ‘fruit punch’ monologue from a 1,000-year-old ex-vengeance demon that gives words to the confusion and feeling of helplessness grief bestows on us, and the questions that society has hushed us from asking.
Something to think about
Editor / writer / editorial consultant / ghost writer. Travel and hospitality. Property. Business. Thought leadership. Publishing.
10 个月Thank you for this. Words matter. I profoundly understand why people find it difficult to express the finality of life (and I have been through it and have a tremendous, deepening well of empathy), life does come to an end. I find expressions such as 'passed on' and 'RIP' trite and throwaway. For me, they don't honour the unique memory of the person we have lost. I would rather hear a description of what the departed person meant to the bereaved. It is all deeply personal, I know, but I feel we as a culture need to move into a more frank, open, honest and real way of discussing death, grief and how it affects us.
Operations Support Consultant at ISUOG (International Society of Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology)
11 个月As you say we have been dying since the dawn of time but how do we cope with grief when someone is taken from us too soon? I actually tend to use passed away as I cannot bring myself to say “dead” as it is impossible to come to terms with as it seems so final and for me it will never be final as they are always with me wherever I go. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to listening to the podcast ??????xxx
Brand storyteller for Captain Fawcett: 10 transformative years from local startup to global player. As a freelance writer, I partner brands who cherish the power of words for human connection.
11 个月Am also so interested in the language around death and dying, especially when friends are sharing their experiences, perhaps using different words. As I was growing up the older women of my family always talked about someone being dead, voicing that thud of finality over endless cups of tea, and I prefer that too, for my dead people. Also the tea. But to each their own. I think we can tie ourselves in knots trying to be delicate about something emotionally brutal. But also, need compassion for whoever is finding it hardest at that moment and try to mirror the language that makes them feel heard. Not saying I always manage to do this! It can be so hard to balance your own approach to grief with someone else's.
Yes to all this, I find I turn to history for expression and words often. Thank you for this newsletter.