We marry for BEAUTY but divorce for DUTY

Success in our work and in personal life is no different. The only difference is in measurement of its outcome. Success at workplace is measured through tangible business results, whereas, at home it is simply considered as being happy. All young girls or boys desire to get in to courtship or marry with counterparts who are as charming and attractive as any celebrity. Even though they may not resemble a bit like any one of them however while in courtship or when they marry, each one of them always consider their partners as the best in the world. This is due to feelings for each other that develop affection. These feelings keep them engaged for quite some time. However, as the time passes it becomes difficult to retain same feelings for each other. This is because over a period of time feelings give birth to expectations from each other. Degree to which these expectations are fulfilled decides success at home in terms of happiness. Similarly, to a great extent fulfilled or unfulfilled expectations from our job or company or from professional circle decides our success at work.  Unfulfilled expectations from others give rise to stress that is not healthy for any relationship, may it be personal or professional.

‘To love’ and ‘To work’ are the twin capacities that symbolise human maturity as illustrated by noted Austrian scientist, Sigmund Freud. However, in the era of increasing population of DINKs or HINKs (Double or High Income No Kid) where both the partners are working, this definition of maturity is one of the main causes for increasing tension between the soul mates. According to a study, today, there is a likely hood of 7 out of 10 newly wed American couples being susceptible to divorce. Though, social stigma in India had kept divorce figures dismally low as compared to West, yet numbers of depression cases on account of marital differences and of family violence are on increase. This is because now a day’s marriages are not made in heaven but at campuses while studying together in colleges, management institutes or working together in organizations. In the name of so called compatibility partners are chosen based on higher IQ (Probability of better package) rather than EQ (Family values and qualities). This is giving rise to a new generation of two married bachelors living together. It is not about the bi-sexuality or live-in partnerships but legally (Registered or arranged) married couples. Both of them highly competent in their own work areas and are ambitious beyond anyone’s imagination. Feeling of competition is overpowering cooperation the basic objective behind any marriage.  

Couples are so busy in making materialistic deposits in bank accounts that they are left with nothing to deposit in their emotional bank account. A slightest cause of discomfort becomes the main cause of distaste leading to distress in opposing partner. This happens because of lack of emotional intelligence which is required for developing a bond between them. Instead of producing emotional glue that binds couples together they concentrate more on corrosive feelings that may destroy their marriage. Daniel Goleman the creator of term EQ draws attention towards the role of emotional intelligence in the survival of marriages and relationships.

I recently received a WhatsApp message - A frustrated husband in front of laptop, “Dear Google, please don’t behave like my wife. Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting”. Though, it’s a joke but don’t you think in today’s world it describes one of the main causes of distress? Men in general keep cribbing about the unreasonable demands of women (As per men) and also their impatience as the cause for their frustration. On the other hand, women complaint indifferent attitude of men while listening to their wives as the main cause for their frustration. She seeks to engage whereas he withdraws or vice versa is the pattern of the game that married men and women often play. They listen to each other as if there are two different realities, one of him and another of her. They engage and withdraw from each other just like an electric switch gets on and off.

One cannot say as to who is more responsible for such differences yet the study of emotional intelligence can certainly throw light on this issue. Right from their childhood by nature boys are more outgoing and prefer to stay out. On the contrary girls prefer to be at home enabling parent to discuss and share more about emotions with them (Except anger) as compared to boys. This makes girls more adaptive and boys confrontational and aggressive. Girls prefer to play in small groups with an objective to minimise hostility and maximise cooperation, whereas, boys like to be in larger groups and enjoy competition. You might have noticed that if a boy while playing gets hurt is not supposed to cry (A sign of bravery) but is expected to get out of the way and allow others to continue to play. On the other hand, if a girl gets hurt the game comes to a halt. Everyone gathers to ensure that she stops crying and is given the first aid. This epitomized the key disparity between both the genders. Boys are tough minded; they like to have independent autonomy whereas girls see themselves more as a part of the group. Another difference is in the range of emotions; a women experience entire range of emotions with greater intensity and with more volatility as compared to men. In other words, more often than not, women are more emotional than their counterpart. While women are groomed for the role of emotional manager, men arrive in marriage with less sensitivity towards appreciating the importance of emotions that help relationships and marriage survive. 

This does not mean that men are always at fault. Instigation may come from either side. A small disagreement on a minute issue may blow out disproportionally and become the cause of distress between the couples.  The key to marital survival is ability of both the partners to overcome their innate gender differences and come along to improve their rocky relationship. Both have to learn the art of ‘disagreeing without being disagreeable’ to each other. Else, the feeling of being disagreeable creates an emotional rift leading to emotional deficit.

I am sure; the conversation mentioned below is not something alien to us.

• Husband: Why the hell that white shirt is yet not ironed? I told you three days back, I need it for today’s meeting.
• Wife: Why did you not give it to laundry? Am I your maid?
• Husband: It’s your duty; you are there to manage home.
• Wife: Oh, Oho, listen I also work; in addition, I cook food for you. What else you want me to do? Try to do your work yourself.

This is a perfect example of how mismatch or expecting more from each other can ruin the relationship. Couples who do not consider the fact that marriage is an agreement between two equal partners are much more vulnerable to divorce than ones who know the importance of emotional glue that keep them bind together. 

                                                                                                  To be continued ...