We Learn From Suffering: There's Already Enough (Lessons from Potty Training & a Day with Dad)

We’ve been doing potty training with baby Yuna.? It’s been mostly successful.? Earlier today at the playground though, we had a potty training accident and chaos ensued.? After refusing to take care of the need beforehand (when I gave her several opportunities), she finally had a surprise!? She had to change out of her favorite clothes, and we had to go home early.? Bummer!

At home after washing up, I had clothes that she didn’t want.? When she resisted, I almost forced her to wear them (she is 2.5 years old).? That’s a traditional approach to lessons.? I don’t like using force, but sometimes we have to use it.? “How will you learn if I give you what you want?” I started to ask in my head….

Then I saw myself and what I was considering:? I had more preferred clothes for her handy, but part of me wanted to equate “lessons” with “more suffering”!??

So I took a deep breathe, told her that I heard her preference, and instead we took the time to find something else that we could agree on.? Her dirty clothes were already gone, but she still had options – she could still exercise some self agency.? Just because she made some mistakes, doesn’t mean everyone is suddenly against her, that she doesn’t get to choose, and that it’s “fair” that the authority (me) takes away all her freedom arbitrarily.? That isn’t right!??

The circumstances already brought plenty of suffering for her to work through, without me adding more.? My job as a parent is NOT to make the suffering worse, but to show that we can move forward when obstacles happen.? Some audiences might consider this spoiling the child, or even letting them get away with things.? This wasn’t an instance of little one’s bad intentions though, she was doing her best and not getting the results she wanted!??

Philosophically, what does she take away from this?? When we do our best, we deserve the best that we can get.? Conditions often don't give us everything we want.? That’s OK.? I managed to avoid making the potty training experience even more anxiety-riddled.? I avoided making her more afraid of authority.? I got a lesson too: that effective learning doesn't need to come with extra negativity. And then at home, she played with her toys and made each of them practice going to the potty when she asked them nicely. She was pretending to be me, talking kindly to her toys.

This experience tested me, and I think I passed!??Her pretend play gave me insight into how she feels about her job (learning to control her body, her feelings, and her decisions), and I felt appreciative that she took the lesson to heart without having to act out extra fear or sadness.?