We Will Just Have to Disagree to Agree, Right?

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Bob Dylan

The air in the conference room had grown stifling as the meeting heated up. Marni certainly had her opinion, but she kept it to herself. As the manager chairing this budding imbroglio, she wanted to remain open and hear everyone out. Now her people were getting agitated. How had she lost control so quickly?

Marni rapidly reviewed the meeting in her head up to this point. Where had she gone wrong? Maybe it was that stubborn openness of hers. She just refused to believe that she always knew best. So, she welcomed dissent and frequently found much to value in her people’s perspectives, but now her all-star team was melting down right in front of her eyes. Voices were rising, and she knew it was time to intervene.

Marni interrupted with a firm “excuse me.” Then again, louder. On the third try, the room quieted and all eyes turned toward her. Now the room was calm, but the mood was still not. Team members turned it back on Marni and demanded a decision from her. “We’re getting nowhere,” someone said. “Just make the call, Marni.”

It was tempting—an easy out and then move on—but she knew it would prove a disaster over time. She would alienate half her people on the spot and would set the whole project up for relentless scrutiny and second guessing. Every little bump or setback would induce a chorus of “told you sos.” No, she would not take the easy out.

Instead she improvised a system for everyone to speak without interruption or immediate rebuttal. No shouting, no insults, no eye-rolls—just a civil discussion, which she closely moderated. As they listened to each other, their team orientation kicked back in. “Hmm, I never thought about it that way,” someone muttered. Another grudgingly conceded, “I see your point I guess.” Gradually, they hashed out areas of agreement and homed in on a solution. They were quite pleased with themselves and their compromise in the end, and Marni was now well equipped to forge the best path forward.

Let’s call Marni’s approach “disagreeing to agree.” It can go by a variety of names, but it is a powerful move in the leader’s playbook. Whether formal or informal, planned or spontaneous, or with individuals or groups, disagreeing to agree creates space for discussion and even arguments while insisting on the civil tone and mutual respect that team members deserve and that productive discourse demands; in other words, it allows and even encourages dissent and debate within the bounds of civility.

It is also important, as Marni did, to insist that every person speak up. Critically, the leader must encourage careful articulation of disagreements. No mealy-mouth opinions or weasel words. Tough but respectful follow-up questions and frank answers are vital to get to the core issues. This is how a team can cut through contention to gain a more complete picture of complex problems, to garner diverse perspectives, and to develop creative solutions.

So how does disagreeing to agree work?

First, by involving everyone equally, Marni tapped into the mastermind principle. Masterminds are group consultations where well-meaning and knowledgeable people grapple with issues together in a spirit of trust and openness to solve each participant’s dilemmas. Within that structure, ideas flow that individuals would never conjure on their own. Disagreeing to agree uses a similar structure but focusses on a team or organizational issue. Both masterminding and disagreeing to agree work best in an environment of shared purpose and cooperation, not competition where someone must lose for someone else to win. Since both scenarios are collaborative, no one wins unless everyone wins. And what’s the prize? The best possible decision/solution/direction for all.

Second, disagreeing to agree requires all participants, including the leader, to check their egos. As the leader, Marni valued everyone’s views equally, including her own; otherwise, the entire enterprise collapses. In fact, the most effective leaders will—as Marni did—refrain from weighing in too soon or at all so as not to put a thumb on the scale. The regular practice of ego checking is great for the team as a whole as well as for individual members, so any opportunity to practice it should be most welcome. Moreover, the more one practices ego-checking the easier it is. Call it swallowing pride, practicing humility, or, as I prefer, stuffing your ego in a sack and tossing it in the river, ego-checking is a core skill of great leaders who seek to serve the greater good.

Lastly, by regularly disagreeing to agree, Marni helped build mutual trust and esteem into her team culture. In any organization, no matter how healthy, friction will occur, and the larger the organization, the more the opportunity for discord. But a culture that encourages tolerance and unity ensures collaboration, productivity, and problem-solving across the board. Not only does such a culture eliminate dysfunction and toxicity, but it ensures that everyone has a role, knows their role, and is able and willing to contribute to the best of their ability—the very stuff of healthy teams!

Encouraging disagreement in a considered way—disagreeing to agree—does all this and much more. It’s one reason why great leaders, such as Marni, are so much more productive than their counterparts. Marni wisely elicited her team’s finest thinking not by setting up a zero-sum competition but by fostering a win-win collaboration. In doing so, she engaged individuals and strengthened the whole so that they could rise to be so much more than the sum of their parts.

Marni and other great leaders must demonstrate the strength, the tenacity, and the courage to actively allow and even advocate for responsible and civil dissent, disruption, and debate. Great leaders do not flinch from difference, disapproval, or dispute and know that even the unreasonable may hold tremendous promise. Simply put, great leaders are masters of the art of encouraging their teams to disagree to agree. I am sure we can all agree on that, right?

Have you ever participated in a disagree-to-agree exercise or a similar practice to reach a consensus? What were the results?

Leaders need to develop and master many tools for building, maintaining, and leveraging effective teams, and I can help.

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