We are how we treat others

'Tis the season for people to start writing long-winded think-pieces on their annual reflections. Never one to miss a chance to be predictable, I thought I’d add mine to the pile.

Usually, my annual retrospective focuses on what I accomplished and where I fell short, how to improve and how to avoid the snags that derailed me the year before. This year was a very different one for me, so my reflections are different too.

This year, I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned about how we treat one another. And what that says about who we are.

I never before realized how much faith I had in people’s desire to do right by each other. That people are “doing the best they can” has been such a deeply held belief for me that I never even noticed it was there. I just assumed it as fact.

That makes me laugh so hard because for years friends and coworkers would joke with me about how much I hated people. They’re inconvenient, obstructionist, overly emotional, ego-driven, messy, and usually not very useful. I’d say that if I could remove people from any situation, I could get things done faster, better, and with a better result. Just leave me alone and let me crush my goals.

Because I'm so goal-focused, I’ve long operated under the assumption that I was a misanthrope. It turns out though, there’s a difference between ambition for self and contempt for others. This year, I learned just how common it is for people to walk through the world acting on their contempt for those around them. And it’s been a heartbreaking and transformative lesson.

So, my reflections this year are all about how I treat people, how consistent I am in my principles, and how I can better protect, develop and empower those who are in my care.

More importantly, I’m thinking a lot about how the choices we make in our treatment of others define who we are more than any of our accomplishments. I mean, I can believe anything I want about being compassionate toward others. But it’s my actions toward them that comprise my character. What’s floating around in my brain doesn’t count.

Here’s what I’ve learned in 2022…

• If you do what’s right for people even if it derails a goal, you’re a principled person.
• If you tell people truths they need to hear, you’re an honest person.
• If you keep confidences, you’re a trustworthy person.
• If you help people connect and see one another’s perspective, you’re a healing person.
• If you do what you can to help people around you who are hurting, you’re a compassionate person.
• If you advocate for, protect and empower those you’re responsible for, you’re a leader.

On the other hand…

• If you choose not to do what’s right because it’s inconvenient, you’re a weak person.
• If you allow others to be hurt because it might impact your comfort, you’re a cowardly person.
• If you break promises to others to forward your own interests, you’re an untrustworthy person.
• If you tell people only what they want to hear to their detriment, you’re a dishonest person.
• If you sow division so you can feel stronger by watching people struggle, you’re a destructive person.
• If you choose to let people suffer when it’s easy for you to put a stop to it, you’re a cruel person.

Consistently making choices on this second list is usually a result of ethical fading – de-emphasizing the moral aspects of a decision in favor of the more self-benefiting aspects like social advancement, avoidance of effort, and profitability.

The willingness to ignore the ethical considerations of how we treat people is a skill like any other. The more we practice it, the better we get at it. Simply put, it’s how we become sucky people.

The good news is that the same process applies when we emphasize the human impact of decisions before other considerations. If I consider what’s right consistently (not just beneficial to me at this moment), that thought process becomes automatic. And that’s how integrity becomes a defining characteristic.

What’s it all mean?

I’ve definitely done some of the rotten things on the second list. Does it mean my character is irreparably damaged if I mess up sometimes? I really hope not. And I don't think so. But if I allow myself to fall into a consistent, unexamined pattern of choices that show indifference or contempt for the well-being of others? Then that’s who I am.

2022 has taught me a lot about myself and the person I want to become. I’m so grateful for all the people I’ve known throughout my life who have consistently operated within the first list and have chosen to habitually do right by those around them. They’re more uncommon than I thought, and it's pure dumb luck that I've had so many of them to model behavior for me, look after my well-being, and help me grow.

And I’m also grateful for those who consistently operate within the second list. In nearly every area of my life this year, I've seen them dealing damage in different ways, for different reasons. They’ve taught me some important and long-overdue lessons and held up a kind of anti-mirror for me. Now I know exactly who I can't afford to become, how I can avoid ethical fading, and who I need to help shield others from.

Where does this leave me with the ethical faders in my life? I'll have to just forgive them for who they're not, love them for who they are, and kindly send (from a safe distance) my sincere hopes for good fortune on the journey to become the wonderful people they're meant to be.

Forgiving, however, doesn't mean forgetting. Maybe that means I’m a little less trusting and a lot more careful about the people who get close to me. That’s kind of a bummer. But I hope it also better prepares me to behave with integrity as I operate in a self-interested world. I'll get it wrong sometimes. Too many times. But today, I'm holding onto the hope that I'm better equipped to get it right more times than not.

As you walk into 2023, I wish you all the clarity and purpose you need to show up for others, care for the people around you, hold tight to the first-listers in your life, engage with the world in a way that's consistent with your principles, and continue to grow in the right direction.

Happy new year. ??