We Hold on to Pain Because it's Familiar

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a FAMILIAR pattern of behavior.?What you are used to, what you are comfortable with, makes it familiar.?So, when you lose a loved one as an example, you are familiar with their physical presence.?You are familiar with things you did with them.?You are familiar with their smell, their look, their voice.?When they die all, of that ends!?This is one way to look at how familiar or familiarity relates to your grief journey.

The other way familiarity is very present in your grief journey is your relationship to the pain.?I have talked with many people that have told me that they have been grieving for many years.?What I need to make clear is that grief is very normal and very natural.?So, yes, we will grieve at many moments throughout our lives.?What is really happening when someone says they have been grieving for many years is that they have not been taught the right way to heal, therefore, their pain becomes “familiar”.?And because of that familiarity to the pain, most will believe that their circumstances will not change.?Many have even told me that their pain makes them feel closer to their loved ones.?Or they are afraid to let go of the pain because they believe this will make them forget their loved ones.??

When Frank died, everything I was familiar with changed or ended.?That’s grief! It didn’t take me long to be attached to the pain.?I needed something else to feel familiar to me and that was my pain.?I believed that I would NEVER be happy again.?I was comfortable even if it hurt terribly because it became familiar. I used to say, “this is my new normal”.?So many times, I’ve often had people tell me that about themselves.?Your grief is NOT your new normal.?At least it doesn’t have to be.??

Grieving people tend to isolate because of fear and judgement.?Isolation then becomes familiar. Believe it or not, grievers also become loyal to the pain because it’s familiar.?Another reason someone holds on to their pain is for protection.?Trauma, loss of trust, loss of safety and security can all make a person hold on to their pain to remind them they don’t want to be hurt like that again.??Fear, isolation, and pain are now all familiar to a grieving person so it’s no wonder it’s hard for someone to look beyond that familiarity and see that hope and joy and a better quality of life is possible.?Are you seeing how familiar is not necessarily a good thing???

So how do you effectively move from a place of things familiar that don’t serve you to something that does??First, I want to you remember that before the pain, isolation and fear became familiar, it was unfamiliar.?Your loss, your grief, your trauma, your significant change in your life brought you to this place. ?Second, it is essential that you begin to become familiar with actions, skills, and behaviors that will lead to successful recovery from your significant emotional losses. Third, understand that it takes energy either way…staying in the familiar place of pain, isolation and fear or moving to something that servers you in a more positive way…it all takes the same amount of energy.?Fourth, your familiarity to the pain, isolation and fear is an illusion that you must learn to fight off.?

We live in a society that doesn’t encourage or even support EFFECTIVE healing from grief.?Here’s what I mean:

-?????????The belief that grievers want or need to be alone has proven to be ineffective.

-?????????The belief that time heals or just give it time has proven to be ineffective.

-?????????The belief that a loss can be replaced has proven to be ineffective.

-?????????The belief that you should keep busy and your pain will eventually go away has proven to be ineffective.

-?????????The belief that you shouldn’t feel bad because others are suffering far worse or any other incorrect advice or intellectual comment has proven to be ineffective.

-?????????The belief that you should be strong at a time when you world just fell apart or when you just lost someone you love so much or when you just went through a traumatic experience has proven to be ineffective.?

Contact me if anything I wrote sounds familiar.?I would be honored to hear your story and discuss ways you can change the familiarities in your life that no longer serve you.?You deserve to live a life where familiarity is hope, light and love despite your losses.