When It Comes to Wellness, Are We Helping, Fixing or Serving?

Most of us want to make a difference in the world. Doing so gives us a sense of purpose and fulfillment. We were not meant to live for ourselves alone but to serve others.

This is especially true of professionals in the health and wellness field. People who are in the helping professions come to this work because we care about people. We want to change people's lives for the better. When I started in my role as a wellness coordinator in 2007, having made up my job entirely and having little to no clue what I was doing, I was focused on helping people and on "fixing" them and their health.

In every presentation, I shared data from the obesity and diabetes charts showing what a problem we had as a country and how the rates of both issues were escalating at an unsustainable pace. I shared statistics about the prevalence of smoking, high cholesterol, hypertension, physical inactivity and poor diet. I talked about the role of poor lifestyle choices and their impact on chronic disease, including cancer, stroke, heart disease and diabetes.

I defined wellness as "the process of being aware of and actively working toward better health" and said the goal of wellness was to reduce risk factors. Some outcomes that could be expected, I touted, were reduced or stabilized health care costs, improvements in productivity and absenteeism, and better morale. It was my job to educate employees, motivate them with the right incentives, give them tools, and change their environment. I recommended that every company should offer programs focused on physical activity, weight management, stress management, tobacco cessation and medical self-care. Because I work for a benefits consultant, I emphasized the importance of integrating wellness into benefits design. It was essential to link incentives to the health plan, requiring tasks like completion of health risk assessments and biometric screenings; otherwise, people wouldn't be compliant.

Once I accomplished all of that, I assumed everyone would be well and do the "right" things to take care of themselves and their health.

How naive and presumptuous of me.

I remember coworkers hiding food from me, afraid of the judgmental glances I might give if I saw them drinking a soda or eating pizza. I remember how secretly condemning I could be when I saw someone who was significantly overweight ("If they'd just stop drinking so much soda every day and stop eating junk food, they would lose weight!"). I would post things on Facebook like, “Stop counting calories and start counting chemicals!”

I was trying to motivate through the traditional tactic of scaring people into being well. After all, knowledge is power, right? If they only knew what their choices were doing to them, then surely they would stop. I cringe now when I think back to what I used to do under the guise of helping people.

All of this changed a few years ago as I went through my own transformational health journey. After a childhood full of ear infections, sinus infections, bronchitis, and Strep throat, I experienced sickness and struggled with my health as an adult. I was medicated for nearly ten years for acid reflux. I hit my heaviest weight ever in my mid-20s and eventually lost so much that I became clinically malnourished.

I became so run down from my own drive that I developed Epstein-Barr Virus, an acute form of mono that knocked me out for much of 2017. The mono, in particular, put a strain on my friendships and work relationships and took an emotional toll on my marriage. Fortunately, it ended up being a wake-up call to me that my life wasn't working and that I needed to change. Since then, I have changed and focus on nourishing my body and feeding my soul.

Going through this challenging journey myself gave me perspective.

It wasn't until I was sick and broken myself that I realized I was approaching my work from an ego-driven place of helping and fixing rather than a humble place of serving. It wasn't until I was in pain myself that I could truly develop empathy for instead of judgment toward people who struggled as well. Instead of telling people what to do, I shifted my approach to sharing my own brokenness and feelings of frustration, pain and disappointment as well as my healing, transformation and restoration.

Best-selling author, Rachel Naomi Remen shares her perspective about the role of pain in our lives:

"My pain is the source of my compassion; my woundedness is the key to my empathy."

When we let people know we are in it with them, that we, too, are in the middle of the mess, we become approachable and relatable, real and human. My words carried more weight because they came from a place of experience, not a theory; from a place of caring, not judgment. 

For much of my career, I had focused on fixing and helping people from a place of superiority rather than serving them from a place of humility. But going through my own journey made me realize it's not my job to fix people.

It's my honor and privilege to serve them.

Remen continues by distinguishing between helping, fixing and serving. I love what she has to say about each:

"Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul."

Think about your approach and motivation, whether you're a health coach, wellbeing director, manager, CEO, consultant or even a friend.

Do you help people you see as weak, try to fix people you consider broken, or serve people with the goal of moving toward wholeness?

I’ll never forget the day I was in a wellness team meeting and we had brought on a new team member. This person was a big fan of cheeseburgers and was talking about them excitedly but then glanced at me and apologized, assuming I was going to be the wellness police and send them to jail for eating a burger. Before I could say anything, another team member intervened, “Rachel’s not like that. She’s not going to judge you for eating a burger.”

And suddenly, it was a safe place for that person to just be in that moment instead of hide.

It’s worth noting that I care deeply about people’s physical health. I’m trained as a health coach and certified in culinary nutrition. I have a Master's degree in Health Science and have written a health and lifestyle blog for nearly five years. I know firsthand how important it is to take care of our physical body through sleep, nutrition, and movement in order to show up as the best and more vibrant version of ourselves.

I just go about it differently now.

I'm not trying to fix people. I'm dedicated to serving them.

It’s been years since I’ve shown an obesity or diabetes chart or used fear-based tactics to try to motivate people. Instead of scaring people into eating well and trying to fix their diets, I offer fun, interactive and engaging cooking demonstrations and workshops that invite them to join the conversation, share their struggles, try new foods, learn how eating certain foods can help them feel more energized and focused. When I begin a session, I declare each space a “judgment-free” zone and bring humor and a lightness to the room. I invite people to ask questions, and I don't patronize them.

I share my health journey and the lessons I’ve learned along the way to give them permission to open up and let down their guard. I don't parade myself as the wellness person who has it all together. I'm one of them rather than above them. I struggle, too. People have been incredibly receptive to and appreciative of this refreshing approach. 

As a result of my experience and broadened perspective, I’ve expanded my definition of wellness to better reflect the comprehensive and holistic approach that now resonates with me and the people I serve. I define wellness as:

“A state of wholeness characterized by a commitment to connection, contribution, and growth.”

It's something we continually move toward, not something we permanently achieve. Wholeness happens along a continuum; it's not a destination we will one day reach.

Connection is a key component of wholeness, and arguably the most important. When I think of connection, I think of connecting to our bodies and listening to what they need, connecting to our food and where it comes from and getting back to the kitchen to prepare it ourselves with other people, connecting to our reason for being, connecting to community by building relationships, and connecting to a higher power or something beyond ourselves to give life meaning. Connection is about creating safe spaces for people to be themselves, to share, and to be together.

We are hardwired for connection; it is an essential part of who we are.

Contribution is about making a difference and offering the world and the people around us our unique talents, skills, and gifts, leaving the world a better place than when we arrived. I’ve written extensively about the role of connection and contribution in this post about getting back to what matters most in wellness.

Growth is about our continual journey to learn, improve and evolve; to raise our self-awareness; and to cultivate qualities like empathy, forgiveness, gratitude, kindness and compassion as we strive to become better human beings. Instead of growing for our own sake, we seek to grow in ways that also lift up those around us by practicing what Bob Chapman calls “truly human leadership.” Everyone wants to grow and feel like someone else cares about and supports their growth.

We move toward a state of wholeness as we commit to living in a way that honors these elements of who we are.

We stop seeing ourselves as above people, trying to help or fix them. We start seeing ourselves as with people, coming alongside them to serve.

Many conversations around wellness are not touching on connection, contribution, growth or purpose, the things that inherently matter to and motivate people. I’ve written previously about our company’s approach to wellness (what we refer to as “wellbeing”) and how we offer support for career, social, community, financial and physical wellbeing, so you can look to that for dozens of practical examples of how we serve the whole person.

I now facilitate workshops about the secrets to authentic happiness and joy, beating burnout and becoming our best selves, leveraging the power of gratitude and kindness to transform lives and foster connection, transforming into leaders that other people want to follow, taking care of ourselves and honoring our bodies and what they need, and building thriving workplaces that make everybody feel like they matter. I am open, honest, vulnerable, and human with people. I still share what I’ve learned about eating well but do so under the guise of eating for energy and to boost our brain and stabilize our moods.

People are responding. They are hungry for a more refreshing, inviting conversation about health and wellness, one that isn’t littered with judgment and shame but is, instead, full of grace, support, encouragement and inclusion; one that celebrates life instead of scaring people to death.

If we're going to have a lasting impact on people's lives, we want to focus on serving them, not fixing or helping them.

I challenge you to reflect on any aspect of your work or personal life and consider these questions about your mindset and motivation:

1. Are you fixing, helping or serving people?
2. Are you using fear to scare people into being healthy (or changing some other behavior) or are you celebrating all that a vibrant life can be?
3. Do people feel like you care about them or that you are “doing wellness” to them? In other words, are you focused more on connection or compliance?
4. Have you expanded your approach to cover more than physical health, recognizing that people are more than their bodies?  
5. What are you doing to move people toward wholeness by focusing on connection, contribution, and growth?

None of us has all the answers when it comes to being well.

Each of us has our own struggles that hold us back from living our best lives.

All of us are on a journey to become more of who we are meant to be and face barriers, challenges and roadblocks along the way.

By expanding our definition of wellness and embracing people as inherently whole instead of broken and in need of our help, we become approachable and relatable. In essence, we become more human. I invite you into that way of living and challenge you to offer it as a gift to those you serve.