Are we as good at listening as we think?
My last two articles have focused heavily on the importance of opening our minds, so that we are prepared to learn and change, and so that we are prepared to believe that the other people in the discussion can learn and change. This is because listening with a closed mind is like listening with ear plugs in. It is a waste of time!
If we have successfully managed to open our mind and are ready to engage in a balanced discussion, then it’s time to hone our listening skills. I start very purposefully with listening rather than talking, as whilst we may spend plenty of time listening, and in theory, “practice makes perfect”, we are really not as good at listening as we think we are! As it was beautifully put by Simon Sinek:
We may believe that we are good listeners, but listening is more than waiting for your turn to interrupt.
As we assess the quality of our listening skills, then a really good model to use is one that is introduced in 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, the wonderful book by Stephen R. Covey. I have summarised the five levels of listening below.
Whilst it would be great if we could all operate at Level 5 all of the time, then this really is not realistic, so let’s assume we are aiming for Level 4. Ask yourself honestly:
How much of the time are you listening at Level 4?
Now let’s reflect on some of the common reasons why we fall short:
Filtering (Level 3 – Selective Listening): There is a crazy amount of information in the world, and even in just one conversation, there is a lot of detail if we really listen attentively to every word. So the reality is that we just don’t! We tend to drift in and out of the conversation as our brain uses filters to ignore “irrelevant” information and to focus on what’s “important”. This may be unintentional, when we are a bit stressed or tired, but usually there is a conscious decision behind our (Level 3) selective listening, and it is for one of two reasons:
Distractions (Level 2 – Pretending to Listen): The world is becoming ever “noisier” in terms of the amount of potential distractions surrounding us at any point in time. However, whilst multitasking is often considered a positive quality, if one of those tasks is listening then this is definitely not the case. If we do not focus our attention on the person and what they are saying, we are not going to hear everything! Sometimes, our multitasking is an active choice, such as when we are talking on the phone, whilst typing an email or watching television, but sometimes, it is a bit more subconscious and just a reflection of our wavering concentration or the fact that our mobile is vibrating or our partner, kids, work colleague or dog have decided now is the right time to disturb us!
To try and fix these Level 2 failings, many workplace training sessions teach us tips about how to focus on the conversation. They suggest things like nodding, maintaining eye contact, showing an open receptive body language, or repeating what has been said. Rather than being skills to help us listen, these are really skills to help us pretend. Staring into the speaker’s eyes may fool them that we are focused, even though we are actually thinking about what we are going to have for dinner. As Celeste Headlee quite rightly pointed out:
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There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
Selfishness (Level 3 - Ignoring the Speaker): Thirdly, and this is probably the most painful admission, is that we are actually a bit selfish. We tend to enjoy bringing ourselves into the conversation and sharing our nuggets of wisdom or making ourselves look good. We do this all the time, even at the times we most need to shut up and listen, something that Celeste Headlee describes perfectly:
Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at work, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job. It’s not the same. All experiences are individual. And more importantly, it is not about you.
Even though I have read these words many times, I still feel guilty. I never considered I was being selfish or ignoring the speaker, as I was sharing my experience with good intentions. But the reality is that I stopped to listen and at least temporarily, I switched the spotlight to myself. Being honest, I still do it. The only difference is that I now feel guilty the moment I open my mouth; but sometimes it is then too late. Once we stop someone in their flow, it is sometimes hard to get it back; especially if they are on a difficult, personal topic that has been hard for them to start talking about.
Our intervention is not just a problem because we stop the other person talking, but that we have usually stopped listening quite some time before we make our point. We may have been listening until the other person said something that triggered a thought in our head, and then all the focus is on turning our thought into the comment or point or question that we want to make. Even if we are polite and hold it until a lull in the conversation, we are focused on what we are going to say, and any focus on the speaker has been completely derailed.
So now, have a think about your selective listening, your ability to keep your focus, your tendency to share your views and opinions, however well intentioned it is. Then have another think about the question I asked earlier:
How much of the time are you listening at Level 4?
James Wyatt, CFO and author of The Art of Discussion