We are EXHAUSTED

I am exhausted.

Over the past weeks and months, I am struck by how many times I speak that word, and how often I hear it in conversation.

We are exhausted. All of us. A collective, global, emotional and physical exhaustion.

We are exhausted by uncertainty and by the bombardment of bad news after bad news. This is not PTSD. This is right-now-TSD. This is pain and uncertainty, repeatedly administered. We think we cannot handle one more thing, and then one more thing happens. And then another thing.

When the pandemic first began, I wrote Why You Aren’t Thinking Clearly: The Brain Science of Fear in Uncertain Times. In that piece, I talked about adrenaline and cortisol, noting that adrenaline pushes us to escape danger quickly, while cortisol presses pause on processes like digestion, that aren’t necessary for making our escape. Lastly, I noted that one of the “unnecessary” processes stopped by cortisol is rational thought, which includes our ability to remember simple words - or why I walked into this room...

But here’s the thing:

We’re not supposed to need those brain chemicals a million times a day, every day. This isn’t like seeing a single rattle snake on the sidewalk; this is beginning Year 3 of rattler after rattler, until we just figure the sidewalk is filled with venomous creatures. What began as a sudden fear response is now an ongoing stress response. Which is why we’re all exhausted. Our bodies were not built for this.

So, then, what can we do? Here are some things I’ve found helpful for my own weary mind. I hope some of it is helpful for you.

1) First, remember that there is no such thing as “mental health” separate from “physical health.” There is just “health.”

We have one body. Our brains are not just part of the body; the brain is the source of everything. Without the brain, the heart doesn’t pump, the lungs don’t inflate. Contrary to what insurance companies might have us believe, what goes on in our brains is not secondary; it is everything.

But do we treat it as if it were the most important thing? Of course not. We pay far more attention to the exhaustion in our bones than the exhaustion in our brains.

So the first thing I’ve found helpful when I notice that my brain isn’t working well is to rest that weary body part. I do things that require zero attention – read a trashy novel or lay on the couch watching hours of Beat Bobby Flay. Whatever will just let my brain rest.

Don’t call this “me time.” Would you call it that if you had the flu, or if you broke your leg? And don’t call it a “mental health” day. Call it a HEALTH DAY, period. Because your brain is in charge of your whole body’s health.

2) Understand the difference between self-care and self-soothing. And apply both.

I love the definitions in this piece from Urban Wellness Counseling:

“Self-care is about taking care of yourself not only right now, but in the future. Self-care keeps you going… Self-soothing is about finding comfort or distraction from what’s going on in the moment. Self-soothing gets you through the moment, whereas self-care is a longer-term strategy focused on helping you meet your needs.”

A bubble bath is self-soothing. Making sure you are eating right, getting enough sleep, incorporating exercise into your day – that is self-care.

In these times, we need both. We need the little treats, and we need the long game of making sure our needs are being sustainably met.

This has been really helpful for me. I don’t usually get 8 hours sleep, but these days, I’m going to bed earlier, aiming for that 8 hours, and smiling when my phone app tells me I succeeded. I’m making sure I walk every day, especially when I don’t want to, using a phone app to push me out the door. This is self-care, ensuring the body that supports my brain is rested and nourished.

And then, in those times when life completely overwhelms, I self-soothe. I go out to the desert and shoot photos. I watch reruns of Project Runway.

The key is to not confuse the two. A bubble bath is great, but you can’t live in the bathtub. So take care of the body that is housing your tired brain, so you can truly enjoy that bath when you need it.

3) Remember that everyone else is suffering, too.

The first of Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths is, “Everyone suffers.” We so often think that everyone else is doing just fine, that we are the only ones who are a mess. That makes it easy to jump to conclusions when others act from their own exhaustion. And of course when we get angry at their slights, our anger response then re-triggers the adrenaline and cortisol that have us feeling exhausted in the first place!

Reminding myself that no one is at their best these days helps me to stay calm when I might get angry. It helps me to ask and listen instead of jumping to conclusions and lashing out. Whatever behaviors I see on the outside, inside that person is likely just as exhausted as I am. Breathing that in has led to meaningful conversations with both strangers and loved ones. It?has allowed me to be more compassionate – to others, and importantly, to me.

4) What DO I have control over?

Organizing closets. Clearing out the tool shed, the attic, the basement. When life is exhausting, my desire to organize something – anything – in my life is overwhelming. My life may be a mess, the world may be a mess, but look at how awesome the junk drawer looks!

I can’t control climate change, or Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, or systemic racism, or inflation, or whether my fellow humans are vaccinated. I CAN control how I spend my time, who I stay connected with, what I eat, where I work.

Sometimes that control is, yes, about organizing closets. But sometimes it is just about making a list of the things over which I do have control. Just the act of writing that list can feel therapeutic. I might even do one of those things, just to show myself that I do still have some control.

And I guess the last thing I find helpful is just to remember that this is normal. It’s not just me; it’s our human physiology. And with that, I think I’ll get back to seeing what new eatery Guy Fieri is exploring…

Photo Credit: Ketut Subiyanto?from?Pexels