We don’t have to hate people or pick sides to stand for justice?

Indeed, the difference between maintaining our humanity and abandoning it is often slight and lies in remaining faithful to our ethics rather than to our tribe. – Sara Roy

Like so many of us, I’m heartbroken, sickened, and panicked by the ongoing horrors in Gaza and Israel (not to mention wars in many other places, and continuing degradation of relations across differences in the US).?

I’ll admit, I’ve been afraid.?

Afraid to speak publicly, without choosing sides.?

Afraid I don’t know enough. Because I do know courageous peacemakers who have worked with people in the Middle East to repair the conflicts--some with more than 30 years of hard-won wisdom. So I actually do know that I don’t know enough about the historic, religious, and political complexities to comment on the specifics.

How about you?? Does it seem like everyone in the world is demanding that everyone else--including us-- take sides? Does it seem difficult to know where to begin?

“Why can’t we stop this?!” “What can I do?!” “How can I help?!”??

I do know this: as a social species, we are prone to conform to a group--even when we disagree or feel uneasy about the contempt being expressed for “those others.”? We are the especially susceptible to this in scary times, for a sense of safety and belonging.

But here's the thing: for nearly two decades I've been practicing and teaching how to bridge across differences in organizations and communities, ways to be courageous; and to act on values in the face of fear of judgment, exclusion, or worse. So here goes…

I do know from working with Phil Zimbardo--the Stanford professor and social psychologist who conducted the now-infamous Stanford Prison Experiment--how easy it is for good people to do bad things in challenging environments. Dr. Zimbardo--not to mention 80+ years of social psychology and all of human history--show that both the "good guys" and the "bad guys" are just frightened people seeking safety, often in misguided, cruel, and tragic ways.?

People who have lived through traumatic times are often stuck in the “Red Zone” (using a term used by Paul Gilbert, psychologist, researcher, and author of The Compassionate Mind). The Red Zone is our body's threat system on FULL EMERGENCY, where our bodies react and act as if our lives are at stake. We concentrate 100% on safety and control for me and/or “my people.” And if we believe our lives are at risk, this feels rational, vital, and necessary.

In the Red Zone, we collapse full-blooded human beings with families, hopes, and dreams into cardboard cutouts. And it’s tragically easy to treat cardboard cutouts badly...or worse. We literally don’t feel people outside of our group until we re-establish a sense of safety. Those living in a war zone, with intergenerational trauma, may never regain a full sense of safety without significant support.

Especially in the West, as Dr. Zimbardo documented, we are prone to blame individuals or groups as “bad apples,” even though it’s shockingly easy for “good apples” put in a “bad barrel” to do horrendous things. But if we don’t challenge "the barrel" (the power of the social system) or "the barrel makers" (the people in charge, and those backing their efforts), we will not create lasting change.

Beware of anyone who refers to people as “animals.”

Dr. Zimbardo, along with many others, also point to the slippery slope toward dehumanization. Beware of anyone who refers to people as “animals.” As we’ve seen through millennia, referring to members of our human kin as “animals” or, specifically in the Rwanda genocide, “cockroaches”, can give people permission to terrorize and murder their neighbors, who are now seen as vermin needing to be exterminated.?

So where does that leave me... and us??

I do believe we can and should stand for subjugated and terrorized people anywhere. And resist the pressure to choose sides. We can choose to focus on those hit “first and worst,” while not letting go of the common humanity that binds us together (“targeted universalism”) Let's stand for a world where everyone’s humanity is seen, honored, and tended, which includes you and me and the people each of us know and love the most.?

I donate to organizations working on the ground, march with those who also believe in shared humanity, talk with people (who may or may not share my perspective), and work for change in US and international policy. I try to learn more and assume less.?

What I won't do is join any group that demands I hate others as the price of belonging.?

And of course, I won't live up to these lofty goals every minute of every day. I'll mess up, and so will you, and us. Reflect, forgive and keep going.

A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.?-African Proverb

We all deserve to feel safe enough, honored enough, and included enough...living in peaceful societies and supportive communities. So many of us, sadly, do not. We may feel justified in our rage towards certain groups for their barbarous acts. But it is only by standing for the basic humanity of all people, while working to change the barrel and barrel makers, that we'll support efforts for lasting peace.

For seven evidence-based practices to use right now, wherever you are, to build your capacity as a courageous leader for a more courageous democracy, see The United States of Anxiety. To cultivate compassion, calm, and connection in the darkness of fear, read Be A Lighthouse in These Times