We Control because we care, but at what cost?

Unleashing the benefits of Community requires us to look at business, life and the roles we play through a new lens. This article begins a conversation to explore 'Control vs Community'. The series aims to empower choice so we can show up differently and unleash potential with the people around us.

Control: a sense of power placed over other beings, or the dynamics of a situation when attempting to achieve desired outcomes.

Control shows up in many different forms.

I still remember my teacher as an eleven-year-old, partly for her purple-rinsed hairstyle but more so for her overly strict approach to teaching, which struck fear in my classmates and me. I can't remember any assignments or learnings from that year, but I do recall feeling sad when my friend William switched classes; her approach made him sick each morning, and his parents had had enough.

Throughout life, we discover all kinds of interesting people who demonstrate controlling behaviours, appearing in all shapes and sizes. Behaviours that limit your potential, their potential and the potential of the people around you too.

In a moment, I will invite you to reflect back on the past few weeks. Perhaps, you've encountered someone like:

• A manager whose default style is to dictate
• A team member who does not listen to other people's perspectives
• A stakeholder who refuses to engage with you
• A peer whom you've later found has withheld information
• A business partner who steamrolls their own agenda
• A customer who belittled you to 'demonstrate' they are in charge.

Control doesn't just show up at work. There are passive-aggressive spouses, commanding parents, children who insist on having things their way, friends who take over plans – the list goes on and on.

Let's take a moment to reflect.

1. When you think of recent interactions, what Controlling encounter comes to mind?
2. What Controlling behaviours did this person exhibit?
3. How did you feel and react in that moment?
4. In what ways did this interaction limit you and your capacity for achieving more? If unsure, here are some words to prompt as thought joggers.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Control throws the good out of balance and limits us.

We may all be guilty of unconsciously slipping into similar Controlling roles, particularly when the pressure is on. I certainly do! Just this morning I caught myself loudly demanding that my son put his shoes on. I wanted to get out the door and he wanted to wiggle like a worm on the floor.

Control may appear to be our only option when the pressure is on or the stakes are high, but we always have a choice. This begs two questions:

1. What makes us choose Control?
2. Why does choosing Control matter?

I can't answer these questions for you, but let's go out on a limb and say that whatever the details, circumstances, underlying causes or beliefs, when any of us choose to control, we do so because we care about something. But, while caring usually comes from a good place with positive intentions, there is always a hidden cost.

Care remains an essential ingredient for a full, meaningful, and rewarding life but only when we achieve the balance between our own Cares and other people's perspectives. This balance is disturbed when we attach ourselves to self-oriented or ego-driven outcomes above the needs of others. When we notice the desire to Control beginning to manifest within us, we can make a choice. A choice to either:

• Think, feel, speak and act in ways that disempower others and close the door to greater collective potential, or
• Discover pathways that may not have been obvious before by taking the time to understand what is good for the whole. Once we understand this, we can intentionally collaborate towards shared outcomes with the people around us and access something greater than what is available when working in isolation.

Control: Release to receive it.

'When we relinquish Control, we actually gain more of it. It is sometimes called the Paradox of Control. Release it to receive it... The only thing we can control is ourselves.' Tony Ferretti - TEDtalk Rethink Control

I have seen all sorts of interesting people worldwide learn to put this paradox into practice through meaningful conversations. In our next instalment, we will explore how you can intentionally shift your focus and energy from Control to a different kind of power that unlocks unlimited potential. All you need is a new lens to look through, Community.

Before you go, let's unlock a new perspective together.

Consider a time when you recently chose to lead with Control.

1. What was the outcome driving your need to Control?
2. What was the cost of Control?
3. What action could you have taken to explore a collaborative approach instead? What might have been the benefits you could have received?

If you have any reflections to share, please feel free to drop them in the comments box or send me a message. The opinions expressed in this article are my own and don't represent the views of any company or organisation.