we can't see that we are seeing something

Scenario 1: A couple wants to move in together, but one partner (she) has one of those flats that you simply wouldn’t give up: a great location, low rent, a big balcony. And the flat would be big enough for two. Another partner (he) hesitates because he feels he would be intruding and that it would still feel like her flat. They cannot afford a new flat for the two of them.

Scenario 2: The couple could move into the woman’s flat, but on the condition that it becomes a shared flat that they move into as if it were new. That means she has to first ‘move out’ of her flat, before two of them ‘move in’ and refurbish it.

In scenario 1, she only sees the advantages of her flat, he sees only disadvantages. Here both are first-order observers and are talking at cross-purposes. While in scenario 2, they need someone else, that is, a second observer to expose the solution of moving into the same flat to enjoy the great convenience the flat offers with a great feeling of their flat.

What does your therapist do when talking to you? He or she makes the same so-called ‘second-order observation’ despite the fact that therapist cannot treat himself or herself.

A first-order observer sees the world as it appears to him or her: the world is simply there. The second-order observer, however, ascribes what the first-order observer sees to how it is seen. We cannot observe ourselves observing. This is often called a blind spot. In other words, we are unaware of the way in which we observe; we cannot see what we cannot see. So by identifying someone’s blind spot, the second-order observer might open up a new perspective, and make the person aware that he or she can see the same thing something differently.