We Cannot Heal When We Fix and Defend

I have been reflecting on the many conversations I have had with clients and others who shared with me their pain and frustration because of a broken relationship with a child, spouse, or even a business partner, and they didn’t know how to fix it. I have walked that road, crossed that bridge.

We were on a rare trip with our only daughter Amy, walking across the Potomac River bridge in Washington DC.

It had been a very rough, tumultuous relationship with Amy for over nine years. Conversations were rare, awkward, and felt like we were walking on glass. I had always been a guy who could fix things, figure them out, but not with Amy.

I was angry, I didn’t know why our relationship was so strained and broken, and for me, it felt like my heart was breaking.

As I reflect on this it strikes me that for nine years our focus had been on the pain my wife and I felt because we kept asking WHY.?Why did Amy treat us this way? Why did she not open up? Why did we have to go through this? Why can’t we fix this?

I have learned that when our focus is on our pain because we cannot answer the question WHY, we cannot see ourselves and others clearly, and if we can’t see ourselves clearly, how will we truly see others so we can begin to heal a relationship.

As we walked across the bridge, I was reflecting on what a mentor had taught me that helped me to see myself and Amy more clearly. I would need to be vulnerable, but it felt unsafe because of how she might respond.

I finally paused and said, “Amy, I’ve been working with a mentor to better help me understand how I had experienced your grandfather’s depression as I was growing up and I realized that maybe, as you were growing up that I said or did something, without knowing it, that made you feel like you were not good enough, if so, I am sorry. Would you please forgive me.”

Time stopped… she slowly looked up at me and said, “Dad you did… but I forgive you!”. Our tears began to flow!

That conversation on the Potomac Bridge opened the door for a call two weeks later--a rare event, where she opened up with deep emotion and began to share her own journey. My prayer during this call and many calls thereafter was, “God please help me to keep my mouth shut and listen.”

I could finally see myself and her more clearly. I did not need to fix her, and our relationship has been healed.

We can have conversations, but we cannot have healing connection when we need to fix and defend.

If it would benefit you to have a conversation about altering ineffective habits of thinking that block connection, I’d be happy to have a chat-- please dm me.