Are we asking the wrong questions (about Diversity equality and inclusion)?

My name is Sarah Furness. I’m a keynote speaker.? I talk about performance and leadership under pressure.? It is my background as a combat helicopter pilot that allows me to position myself as an expert in this space.? After all I spent 21 years leading into combat. In those 21 years, I’ve learned a lot. And I’m keen to share these lessons with other leaders out there.

And yet after every talk, almost without fail the question I get asked is “what was it like for you as a woman?”

The implication is that it was harder for me.

And I’ve got to be honest.? I have to work quite hard not to roll my eyes at this point.

What I want to say in response is this: Why are we still talking about women? Aren’t we over that by now??

And this is what this article will be dealing with.? This is an emotive and nuanced issue so let me caveat this up front. I’m sharing some thoughts based on my personal experience in the RAF.? Your experience could be totally different.? So this is not a prescription for how to feel or how to approach DE&I.? I’m sharing my experience to hopefully prompt you to reflect on what YOU think could drive progress in the most helpful way. And what questions YOU think we could be asking.? Because I think there may be better questions we could ask that would drive progress in a more diverse and inclusive way.

But before I get to that I think it’s only fair to ask…

Why ARE we still talking about this?

Well, quite frankly because it’s still necessary.

Indeed sometimes I’m quite surprised at how men talk to me in certain sectors of the commercial world. And I think to myself “there’s just no way someone in the RAF would have spoken to me like that!”.? And it’s a helpful reminder, just because MY experience was mostly positive, doesn’t mean everyone’s experience is the same.? So I need to acknowledge women still experience sexual discrimination in the workplace. And it’s not ok. And we shouldn’t be turning a blind eye.

So just to reiterate, I’m NOT suggesting we should stop taking about it.? EVER. I’m just wondering if we could talk about it differently.

Here’s why….

I have reasonably rose-tinted spectacles of my time in the RAF and for good reason.? I went through the same selection process, I got the same pay, I got recognised for my merit. And of course, the aircraft doesn’t know whether it’s a girl or a boy flying it, so my ability to do my job well didn’t really depend on my gender.

Of course I could tell you about the times I was treated badly by men because I was a woman.? I could absolutely tell you about the times it was harder for me. About the times I had to endure sexism and even harassment.

And when I tell you about these experiences I will feel angry beyond measure. I want to be heard. And I want those men to pay.? In fact, if I’m honest, I want them to suffer.

So I get it.? Really I do.

But I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not that helpful to focus exclusively on these experiences. Here’s why:

Times have changed.

My experiences of sexism are quite some time ago - those behaviours are not tolerated any more.? So if I keep recycling these old stories there is a danger I’d be influencing the debate TODAY based on what happened 20 years ago. That could actually reverse the progress that has been made.

It focuses on the wrong people.

Ok there were sexist dinosaurs (and still are) in the RAF, but they were few and far between and actually their behaviour would be called out, not just by the women but by the men too.? So focussing on the few would ignore the support of the many. ? It could alienate the very people who are trying to support us.

Anger creates division not inclusion.

I don’t think anger helps us to approach this debate with clarity or fairness. Don’t get me wrong, there’s something quite cathartic about getting a group of women together and having a good old moan about men.? But after a while that harmless venting is replaced with something more toxic.

Bitterness.? Resentment. Self pity.? None of these things feel good.

But it’s not just about feeling crap.

It also promotes man-hating. As I said, when I think about the times I was treated badly by men, I feel anger. And I want those men to suffer.? And that is a sentiment that could be projected onto other men who have NOT hurt me. Men who have NOT treated me badly.? None of this is helping us to work together to build a more inclusive workplace.

So by all means, have a moan about men, but my advice is don’t make it the only thing you talk about.

Because theres another reason that I worry about making this all about gender.

What if it’s not just a gender problem?? What if it’s also a ME problem?

I often felt like an outlier when I was in the military. ?In the military, belonging is big deal.?And it sucks when you don’t feel like you belong.?And for a long time I assumed it was because I was a woman. And of course it may have contributed. But I’m not sure it’s ONLY reason. ?

In the last few years I’ve done a lot of inner work.? Certain events in my life caused me to take a good long look in the mirror.? On a good day I’m fiery and tenacious. On a bad day I’m prickly, abrupt and sometimes downright rude. And I always HATED myself for that.? In fact I’ve been battling with that all my life.

And here’s the thing. If you’re at war with yourself you’re also at war with everyone else. And it’s REALLY handy at this point to be able to blame this conflict on gender.? Now I dare say there are times my behaviour would have been described more positively if I’d been a man (a man is commanding when a woman is bossy etc etc).

There are times you may have felt you needed to defend your behaviour when a man wouldn’t have needed to. It’s important to keep this in mind in order to keep some balance here (and to be fair on us girls.) It's important to support the sisterhood and call out double standards.

But please, let this not be at the expense of doing your own inner work.?

Because the real problem was that I didn’t really like myself. Through the study of mindfulness I was able to come to a place of self acceptance and self compassion. And when I found a bit more peace internally it’s amazing how my view of the world changed. By learning to see show myself more kindness? I was able to see the kindness others showed me. People (men) who I’d seen adversaries were now allies.? I was now able to see the kindness and support that had been all around me.

Suddenly things that had been a problem weren’t a problem any more.? And I don’t think I’d have come to place of peace if I’d kept insisting it was exclusively a gender problem. So it might feel a little terrifying to ask yourself, “what if it’s not a gender problem, what if it’s a ME problem” but it can also be quite enlightening and empowering.

From ME to WE....

And this led me to another epiphany.

It may sound counter-intuitive but it was by reaching inside and doing inner work that I started to feel more connected to the world outside me. Firstly because I was now able to see the kindness of others. But also by discovering the fears and doubts that had been driving my feelings of exclusion I was learning more and more about what it means to be human.?

And then I thought “what if it's not just a ME problem, what if it’s also a WE problem. Just because men aren’t talking about it doesn't mean they don’t feel excluded.”

I didn’t have to wait long to test this theory. I’d been invited to The Special Forces club for lunch.? At the last minute their speaker had cancelled so I was asked to stand in.? I’d just developed my talk on “fear of rejection.”? I couldn’t honestly think of anything worse than standing up in front of elite alpha male soldiers and moaning about feeling a bit lonely, but it was the only talk I had ready to go.? So … I talked.

I had so many rich and meaningful discussions that day.? People opened up and shared their own experiences so generously.? I made lasting friendships.? I still have one of the testimonials on my bio (anonymised of course so I don’t get into trouble)

“It sparked number of nerves on my part. If I’d known it was going to be this good I’d have closed the office and brought the entire team.”

If I’d have made the assumption that these men didn’t want to talk about this stuff I’d have been stereo-typing and excluding them.? Which is precisely the opposite of what we are trying to achieve with DE&I.

So.. at the start of this article I suggested we could be asking different question to fuel a healthier and more harmonious discussion of DE&I.? I’m a strong advocate that before we point the finger outwards we first take a look inside.? When we understand ourselves better we understand the world better.

So what questions could we be asking instead?

Here are my suggestions.

What it’s not just a gender problem….What if it’s also a ME problem?

??By asking this question we are taking ownership of our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

???This helps us to check in on our own unconscious biases against others.

??Then we can do the inner work that helps us to show up a little better and be a slightly better human.

What it’s not just a ME problem? What if it’s also a WE problem?

??If we are able to be honest with ourselves about our own fears/doubts we can create a sense of compassion for ourselves and others.?

??We can share our own vulnerabilities and create connections with others who feel the same vulnerabilities.

??And we can create a space where others feel able to share their own experiences.

Those are my DE&I questions.

But enough from me. This is an inclusive debate. Your experiences are valid and important. So ….

What are your questions for a better conversation around diversity and inclusion?

Sarah Furness is a keynote speaker specialising in leadership, performance and resilience “under fire.” She is also an executive coach. If you'd like to know more reach out at [email protected]