Are we asking the right question?

In Australia, September 14th is RUOK Day where we are all encouraged to check in on each other's mental well being. It's something I believe ought to happen more than once a year, but we're building up our cultural and societal norms to acknowledge that poor mental health is not something to be ashamed of.

You may have guessed from my heading that this could be a controversial piece.

It's all well and good to ask if others are ok, but I want to understand how well each of us is taking care of ourselves and our own mental health.

At the recent Australian HR Institute (AHRI) conference one of the great conversations I had was with someone quite senior in the profession about the misplaced responsibility for mental health and well being that is placed on companies and employers.

It's everyone's responsibility to care for their own mental health.

Companies and employers are expected to provide environments and work places that are not harmful to mental health, but it is not fair to expect them to be responsible for the mental health of their employees. In fact that would be intrusive wouldn't it?

Instead of only asking RUOK, why aren't we also asking "Am I feeling ok?"

Many of my coaching clients will remember this question.

Based on the resources available to me, did I do the best job that I could?

It's a good question to ask yourself when you in a self critical mindset. It encourages you to focus on the resources you have such as time, energy, mental space, access to people and information. If you did do the best that you could (which is typically the case) and are still not entirely satisfied with the outcome (hence the self criticism) then the next question to ask yourself is: What can I do to be better resourced in the future?

That is the "aha" moment and the moment that typically flags issues such as:

• self care routines and how often they are sacrificed for other "priorities"
• work/meeting scheduling habits
• self awareness of circadian rhythms (the time of day when you are at your best)
• assumptions of when its ok to ask for help from others

Fundamentally, its up to us to understand ourselves and to ask for help when it's needed.

Self care is best done for you by you.

Perhaps in addition to asking RUOK, we need to be asking "what support do you need to be the best version of you"