We are All in Pain

“We are in some type of pain. Some emotional, some physical and some financial.” –Daryl Wizelman

We are all in some type of pain. As I write this I am reflecting on my life and all of the pain and challenges that have provided me with wisdom and grace I didn’t possess before these experiences.

We as a people are quick to judge what we see on the outside of people. We see what we want to see when we look at people and we often tell ourselves a story about what we see. This person is richer than me, smarter than me, better looking than me, they have a perfect life etc. Often these stories we tell ourselves aren’t true. If we really knew what the person we were interacting with was going through we would treat that person and everyone around us with grace and understanding.

What if everyone we came into contact with had a cloud above their head with all of their pain in the cloud for us to see? I suggest that we would treat those people differently. We would offer them the benefit of the doubt. We would be slower to judge and quicker to embrace them.

I am no different than anyone else. I have dealt with pain on deep levels in my life. I was involved in a conversation with a co-worker recently and I told him my story. After hearing my story he said, I thought you were perfect and had life all figured out. Once he heard my story and later read the book I wrote (Heart Leader) he discovered that I have experienced pain and loss just like everyone else. I remind myself not to believe my own story telling about what I perceive about other people. We are all in some type of pain.

Here are some examples of the type of pain I am talking about and my experience with each type;

Emotional: I got divorced after being with my high school sweetheart for 28 years. We met when we were 16 years old. We have 17 year old boy/girl twins. Although she isn’t my soulmate nor the person I should have spent my life with, the split was very painful for me and my kids. If was a personal failure. One I swore I wouldn’t experience after growing up in a house where my parents divorced when I was 10 years old. I said I would never get divorced and then I got divorced. That was an emotional challenge for me to face and eventually overcome.

Financial: I built a multi-billion dollar mortgage banking firm with 500+ employees over a 17 year period. It was the greatest triumph of my professional life. I had a lot of who I was wrapped up in that business and what we built. The business was strong and growing year after year. Then the mortgage meltdown occurred the world seemed to change overnight. Although we were able to complete a deal with Countrywide before the meltdown, we went through the crisis as employees of Countrywide. We were in the eye of the storm of this crisis. Countrywide stock that I owned at a buy price of $35 per share fell to $4 per share. It happened quickly and it was a big financial loss. It has been 10 years and I am still in pain. It feels like someone that I loved very much died suddenly. Do we ever recover from this type of pain?

Physical: After the financial meltdown of 2007 I was feeling a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety about what was going to happen to the mortgage banking industry and the hundreds of people that I had employed over my career. What was going to happen to all of us? Would our industry ever come back? If so, when? What should all of the people employed by our industry do to earn a living while the industry recovers? These concerns and worries led me to wake up one morning in March 2008 with a case of shingles. The shingles lowered my white blood cell count and after having a salad for lunch that day (a meningitis carrier most likely split or sneezed in the salad) I contracted viral spinal meningitis. This led to a week in the infectious disease unit of Tarzana Hospital and the possibility that I would die at the age of 43 with two small children. That week I faced the possibility of dying. Today I am very grateful to be 100% healthy.

The way I combat feelings of pain and worry;

1.  Social proof: Things always work out and they will continue to work out. I must have faith in myself and the world. I can’t give up on the people in my life or my career. I must face my life and give my best to the people in my life and my career. I must have faith that things will work out. They always do.

2.  My support system: I lean into my amazing wife and my beautiful children for their love and support. They love me for me and all of my warts. When I look into their faces I am reminded about the amazing gifts that they are for me.

3.  Being grateful for what I have: For me this starts with being grateful that I am emotionally and physically healthy. I can spend my time being depressed and worrying or I can focus on all of the blessings that I have in my life. It is up to me where I choose to put my energy. I am going to choose gratitude!

4.  Living in the moment: I have to remind myself that I can’t look back. I can’t change the past. I can’t worry about the future because it isn’t here yet and there isn’t anything to worry about. If I had all of the time back that I wasted worrying about what MAY happen I would add years to my life. We have today and for all of us our days are numbered. We must make the most out of today.

We are all human. We have all experienced emotional and/or physical and/or financial pain and for some of us more is to come. The truth is that in an overwhelming amount of the time, we recover and often become wiser and stronger because of the pain. Good can be found in everything, even in the pain. Embrace your pain and grow from it. Then try not to judge others because they have their pain also.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” –Ian Maclarene are All in Pain