We All Need A Break

So I needed a break!

From work . . . from life . . . from people . . . from myself . . . from everything

For anyone who has read my previous blog “Things You Don’t See” you’ll know that I’ve had a tough time of it in the last few years. I’ve been away for a little bit, but now I am on my way back and so this is for everyone out there putting on that face and trying to survive hour by hour. When one phone call / event can smack that weak-arse fake smile off your face and show the world you are fully fucking broken.

October 2019 almost a year after the attack and I have secured a buyer for the house that after a successful court hearing I am finally able to sell and move out of. Wake up crying and frightened after a long night of flashbacks and night-terrors, a regular occurrence. Stand at the platform waiting for the northern line to turn up and trying to look like any other normal commuter, not someone weeks from bankruptcy, panic looming, exhausted and desperate. Make it into the office and find out that due to me missing target I have had my commission cut to only 10% losing almost half of my income (find out from my payslip not from management). MD asks me a question whilst I am writing an email, doesn’t get eye contact with my response, shouts “sort your fucking attitude out” walks off. My manager turns up late and hungover as usual, we have a meeting, “nothing I can do, if you ask me, they want you out”. Panic! Few meetings back and forth, apparent that it is time for me to make my departure. Hand in my notice, escorted out the back door and not allowed to say any goodbyes. No exit interview opportunity.

I cried for a week.

But I got through it. Lots of time talking with friends and family. A Christmas volunteering with Crisis. 3 months of hermit life. A bank loan. And of course, I had Zeus to get me through.

January 2020 just under a year since I last saw him as he walked down out of the dock and into prison. I am finally able pack up and move out of London back to Colchester. I’m still crying. But I don’t yet know if it is sadness or relief or just exhaustion. I try to get back into the swing of it and start some business development since going solo. I still just can’t face it, the rejection, the dependence, the exertion. I just wasn’t ready. I had lost my confidence.

February 2020, I sent myself off for some selfcare, an old school friend had recently taken a position at a new wellness retreat. I booked 3 nights and intended solely to pamper myself with facials and spa treatments. However, one night in and I saw that I needed so much more, I extended my stay for a further 5 nights, doing 8 in total, and I threw myself in to the full programme. Hour long country walk every morning at 0745. 4/5 hour long exercise classes a day ranging from HIIT, Toning, Pilates, Yoga, Boxing, Aqua, BodyPump, Stretch, FIT. Evening classes of Sound Therapy, Hypnosis & Mindfulness, Aromatherapy, Mindful Eating etc. Raw Vegan Diet, much tastier than it sounds! (No sugar, caffeine, alcohol or my beloved hot chocolate!) And a fair few life coaching sessions. Of course, I still had my facials too. 8 days of sweat, tears and a whole tonne of self-forgiveness and love! It’s been a hard journey to here and it’s a hard journey still to go with no real idea of the destination. All I know is that everyday I learn that I can do it, that I am strong, that I am resilient, brave, loving, caring and that I respect myself.

I’ve still got more to work on, but I feel ready to face the world again. I feel safe in my surroundings and I have returned to my support network. I’ve got what I need to cope with the ups and downs of general business life and the extra little twists and turns of recruitment.

This is a bulletin to say The Mad SAP Woman is back.