We All Have To Stop Using This F Word

Oh, I know which F word you're thinking, and it's not that one. I love using that F word that ends with k to show passion emphasise a situation, or be colourful and animated.

I have banned this F-word in the house, especially with my children.

Using this F word often will have a long-lasting impact on their adulthood and confidence. Hence I banned it.

FAILURE.

What's the definition? According to the Oxford Dictionary:

Failure is defined as?a lack of success or the inability to meet an expectation.

So, whose portrayal of success and whose expectations?

Since we were young, it has been lasered into our heads that it's terrible to FAIL at school.

From primary school to our professional exams. The pass mark is 50; anything below that brands you a FAILURE. We need to pass.

Those who can excel academically and pass exams are branded "brains", "nerds", and "smart". If you didn't, you're "dumb", "stupid", etc.

Why do we label people like this? Because we have a "benchmark". However, have we ever questioned that yardstick?

I am sure we all know people who are great at what they do and have failed at school.

When we enter our professional careers, somehow, some mistakes we make end up being called a failure.

Whether we may have bitten more than we can chew in a job, we didn't make probation, we didn't complete a project, we simply quit our shit&y job, or the project didn't turn out the way we'd thought…the list goes on.

Why do we put the whole world of the burden on our shoulders?

During my career, I had so many failures…how I lived this long and survived as a human is a wonder! I got made "redundant" because the boss didn't like me, I was passed on from promotions, I hired the wrong people, I shared too much information that backfired, I stumbled in an important presentation or couldn't answer questions in front of the C-suite…the list goes on.

Did these failures define me at the time?

Absolutely! I spent days thinking about what a failure I was and why I was so stupid. I replayed the scene over and over, including any feedback I got.

Each time I thought of myself as a failure, the self-belief and my soul died bit by bit.

Until one day…I was sick and tired of looking in the mirror and calling myself the F-word.

Then, after I decided to leave corporate six years ago at 40, I didn't care about what others thought of me anymore.

My energy and focus were "How am I going to squeeze this lemon, gain as many skills, and save as much money so I could eject". ?

Wow, the weight lifted. Instead of being a failure, anything I did that wasn't what I expected was called a MISSTEP.

My confidence grew, and I spoke out and did what I felt was relevant for the business and myself.`

What's the definition of a misstep? Let's look at the Oxford Dictionary. There are two definitions. This first one is for me.

A clumsy or badly judged step.

Those who are close to me know I am clumsy as anything.

However, this may be more for you.

A mistake or blunder.

Isn't it more understandable that we are imperfect and make mistakes and blunders? What's the big deal?

How we perceive that misstep will determine how we move forward.

What did we learn from these mistakes? What would we do differently?

There are many mistakes to make it.

It's less pressure, and this mindset will help you get back up and go again.

Since shifting this mindset, especially given my upbringing and background, I have been happier and less stressed.

Listening to so many entrepreneurs, their journey is full of mistakes; some are so huge that they lose everything in business. But what do they all have in common? They learn from it and move on.

Their mistakes didn't define them.

Another thing since shifting my mindset, I am also a much more empathetic parent to my children…the pass-or-fail thing doesn't exist in our household.

What did you learn from your mistake is our key question.

The children are less afraid to make mistakes and more open to sharing their inner world. This question gets asked in exams, assignments, bullying situations, conflicts, and friendships that have gone wrong.

The only mistake I don't want them to make that I did…was to place so much pressure on their academics to "Succeed".

When I got my mark for HSC, which was in the high 90s, I thought I had failed. Yes, WTF. Because I didn't live up to my unrealistic expectations…I didn't get into law, as I thought that was my path.

Instead, I did accounting as a second choice…and boy, did I enjoy it? Not for 24 years, but these 24 years created my coaching passion. If it weren't for the 24 years of pushing through jobs I hated, I wouldn't have changed my career or coached.

It's so wonderful to look back and realise that I am supposed to be where I am because of my "Failures".

What advice would I give my younger self…

If I had a time machine, I would tell my younger self to be kind! I would have saved so many tears, heartaches and energy. So many "Failures" were blessings and got me to this moment TODAY.

The learning and growing up I did due to those failures were tremendous. Would I have it any other way? No.

I would tell my younger self that I can't control my external world, but I can be self-aware and manage myself. I hold the remote control.

Always.

So, shift your mindset and be kind to yourself. You control your perspectives.