We All Have the Power to Pause and Choose Our Response

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we all have the freedom to choose our response. ~ Dr. Stephen R. Covey

I can remember the day in the fall of 2008 when I first heard Dr. Covey speak those words as I drove along the highway after a meeting with a potential client. A friend of mine had given me a 1 hour audio of Dr. Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I will be forever grateful because that audio lesson inspired me to begin to truly transform my life and accelerate my results. I share this lesson with you today with the hope that you too may become inspired to take more responsibility in your own life.

Ask yourself, "Do I have the freedom to choose my response in any given situation?" Yes. We all do. Not some of us, all of us. This means we are responsible. Not someone else, us. We are responsible for our choices. We make them. Others may influence us, but they don't determine what our choices will be. We do.

At the time in 2008, I was very short tempered and extremely impatient. I thought that was just the way I was. I had been told "it runs in the family" for years. And, I saw all of the evidence I needed to support the belief. It was everywhere. So, I'm stuck with it, I thought. I would fly off the handle in anger at the smallest of things. I would become frustrated anytime I had to wait more than two seconds for anything or when I couldn't get the immediate result that I was looking for. That's who I was. Every time I was mad, it was always someone else's fault. At least, that's what I thought.

Hanging on to something familiar will often keep you from reaching something better. ~ Mack Story

When I first heard Dr. Covey's words, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we all have the freedom to choose our response," my thinking started to change. I don't mean later. I mean immediately. I had never even considered that fact. I pressed rewind several times and listened again and again to his words. At first, I thought, Dr. Covey doesn't have a clue. He doesn't know who I am. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know how crazy and angry people make me! But, I thought about the "space" he referenced between stimulus and response. I remember pausing the program and thinking about it for a while.

But, what he did know was what I didn't know: I had a choice, and I was responsible for making that choice. No one had ever taught me in the manner that Dr. Covey was teaching me. He explained it in way that I could understand it. His words made me want to understand it. And, I began to understand it. That very day, I learned that I had a "pause" button. It had always been there, but I had never learned to use it. I didn't even know I was supposed to use it.

Below, the late Dr. Covey speaks on Habit #1: Being Proactive, choosing our response.

Now, I teach this principle nearly every day to someone. I taught it earlier today to a group of women that are enrolled in an 8 week program with hopes of transforming their lives and climbing out of the tough situations and circumstances they are now in. If they apply this principle, they will begin to make progress. If they don't, not very much will change. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be based on all of the choices we have made.

I shared with the ladies what I have internalized since that day in 2008. Whenever something happens (stimulus), we all respond. However, when we respond are we being proactive or reactive? Everyone responds to stimulus in some way. What I've learned is that proactive people choose to respond based on values that are in alignment with natural laws and principles. Reactive people respond also, but they choose to respond based on their feelings.

I learned in 2008 that I was most often reactive by choice. I simply reacted based on the program that was inside of me. I could have chosen otherwise. I didn't know that I had the power to rewrite the program. I had never considered the impact that being reactive had on my influence and how others saw me. I hadn't considered how being reactive was causing many of my future problems too.

Nature (our genes) and nurture (our environment) do not determine us. Many have been taught it is one or the other or a combination of both that determine us. It is neither. These things only influence us. Once we completely understand that no matter what happens to us we always have the freedom to choose our response, we also begin to understand that we are responsible for the choices and the consequences of those choices. All of us, including me, are exactly where we are supposed to be based on all of the choices leading up to today.

I have discovered that short tempers and impatience don't run in my family. Irresponsibility runs in my family. ~ Mack Story

I now fully understand that it's not what happens to us that is most important. What is most important is our response to what happens to us. There are people without jobs because of their response to something that happened. There are also many people that are in prisons today, not because of what happened to them, but because of their response to what happened to them. There are also many people that have been killed because of their response to something that happened to them. I think you get the picture. Our response comes with consequences.

Our response to what happens to us will determine much, but not all, of what happens to us in the future. ~ Mack Story

Some of us have gotten really good at transferring responsibility for our choices. Consider this example:

Have you ever been sitting at a red traffic light behind someone with their right turn signal on? No other traffic in the area. There is a sign that indicates "Right Turn on Red Is Allowed." But, they're just sitting there. Oblivious or unconcerned. You're going right too, so you begin to get more and more angry. Finally, the light turns green, and they turn right. By this time, you're fuming inside.

You get to your destination a few minutes later and walk in full of anger at the "idiot" that made you so made. You even begin your conversation with, "This idiot at the red light a minute ago made me so mad...." You believe it, and the person you're talking to believes it. Really?!? This person that doesn't even know you exist on the planet is controlling you and your response to what happened to you? I don't think so. We've already established that we all have the freedom to choose our response, which means we are responsible for those choices.

No matter the stimulus, if you're angry, you're angry because you've chosen to be angry. You can be as angry as you want to be, but don't transfer the responsibility to someone else. Own it. It's your choice. Some struggle with this concept. But, I always ask these people, "Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to get angry but chose not to for some reason?" They always say yes because everyone has been in a situation where they wanted to get angry but chose not to get angry. Then I say, "That's your validation. You have the choice. You can do it when you want to do it. If you can do it one time, you can do it every time."

Let us not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

We are most effective in life when we are proactive. We demonstrate self-control. We make the situation better instead of worse. We build trust. We increase our influence. Highly effective, influential people think more of us. We gain respect.

We are least effective in life when we are reactive. We demonstrate lack of control. We make the situation worse instead of better. We create distrust. We decrease our influence. Highly effective, influential people think less of us. We lose respect.

If you haven't been using your pause button effectively, it will be hard at first. You may mess up a lot. But, it's a "mind-muscle" and is like any other muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it will become. I know because mine was really weak in 2008, but it is very strong today. I still get in wrong sometimes, but when I do, I am less effective and move my influence in the wrong direction. But, most often, I get it right and move my influence in the right direction.

My life and my relationships are much improved today as a result of learning this one simple to say, yet sometimes hard to do principle.

We are anxious to improve our circumstances but unwilling to improve ourselves. We therefore remain bound. ~ James Allen

FREE downloads available:

Click here to access Chapter 11 “Get Out of the Way and Lead” from my book, Defining Influence.

Click here to access the first 5 chapters of “Blue-Collar Leadership: Leading from the Front Lines.”

Note: I encourage you to be a river, not a reservoir. Please share my blogs with others if you find value in them. I believe in abundance and write them to help others become more effective, successful, and significant.

Make an impact!

Mack Story

My passion is to help you live with abundance, achieve success, choose significance, and leave a legacy. In other words, I want to help you make a High Impact !

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Mack’s story is an amazing journey of personal and professional growth. He began his career in manufacturing on the front lines of a machine shop. He grew himself into upper management and found his niche in lean manufacturing and along with it, developed his passion for leadership. He understands that everything rises and falls on leadership.

Mack is the author of Blue-Collar Leadership Series, Defining Influence, & 10 Values of High Impact Leaders. He's an inspiration for people everywhere as an example of achievement, growth, and personal development. His passion inspires people all over the world! Order signed copies here.

Mack’s experience as a John Maxwell Certified Leadership Coach, Trainer, and Speaker includes an international training event in Guatemala with John as part of the Cultural Transformation in Guatemala where more than 20,000 Guatemalan leaders were trained.

Contact Mack at 334-728-4143 or [email protected] for Keynote Speaking, Corporate Training, Professional Leadership Development, Cultural Enhancement/Transformation, and Process Improvement.