We all have insecurities...

 I started wearing glasses at 5, I used to get that look from people, and it used to make me feel awkward. I knew something was off. As time passed, I knew it was my glasses making me stand out. I used to get bullied most of the time, I used to be called “four eyes”. It used to hurt to my core.

Once I passed my grade ten exams, I took admission at an all-girls’ high school for grade eleven to twelve. I start taking off my glasses and replacing them with contact lenses I had to beg my parents to get the contact lenses for me. That confidence, I used to have when wearing contact lens versus glasses was beyond my belief. I still hate wearing glasses, unless I must. Something about glasses reminds me of how I was bullied...

I thought the insecurities stopped, but no!

Another one kicked in; this time was all about my body. Most girls fully developed, and I was still developing. Everyone used to talk about “periods” and deep inside of me, I was desperate to get that “first period”. I even prayed to have my period, to add more meat to my chest, which was literally flat!

I looked at my friends and they had what they needed to be a woman. On the other hand, I lacked everything possible to be a woman. I have cried many nights to have that body. I wanted to wear a bra so bad, but I couldn’t, there was nothing to support. I was so tiny that I used to wear three stockings or an extra pant inside of my pants. Nothing fit me, nothing looked good on me. People would bully my tiny little body. It was like a cloth on a hanger. I found a solution later in high school to fix my anorexia. Addiction to wearing something underneath my pants was real. No matter how hot it was outside, I would still wear two or three pairs of trousers inside. I was too ashamed to wear a sports bra, I bought one bra then started putting socks inside to make my flat chest look bigger. Because of that, I got my confidence!

 Once, I shared that secret with my friend about wearing something underneath, but she told her boyfriend and her boyfriend told his friends. It went on behind my back for a couple of days, until it finally got to me. At this point in time, I was devasted and my relationship with her was never the same... Now, I laugh at that!

Insecurities about my body continued. I moved to America; I continued to wear something underneath to fit into my new US size of pants. I used to shop in the kids’ section. Nothing would fit me; everything was supersize. I started eating junk food and in no time, I was plumped! Won that battle of tiny little body.

Another one kicked in, this time was the way I talk in “English”. I started watching TV shows, I started learning American culture. I practiced and practiced. I must have watched every show possible, from Jerry springer to days of our lives, to Hollywood gossips. Sports didn’t get my attention…

I moved to Canada later with a permanent residency card, I went to college. Found a job then started moving up. As I started to move up, another insecurity kicked in “ brown women with an accent in a leadership role” competing with someone who was born in Canada. By this time, I had started to have a Canadian accent already, People started to ask me If I was born here. I used to take that as a compliment. People from back home think that I am faking the Canadian accent. I have lost my ethnic accent from Nepal, I can still talk but now when I talk in my language people make fun of my Nepali.. I am so stuck in between now.. who am I?

People here see me as an outsider and people from back home see me as an outsider.

I have finally learned, that I am a “woman” and a “human” and I will not let insecurities define me..

Looking back at my insecurities, I laugh at what mattered the most back in the day, doesn’t matter to me anymore. Time heals everything!

Go live your dream!