Ways to Speak Out Against Incivility

You just heard someone being uncivil towards a coworker. What should you say? The decision is complex, challenging, and loaded with risk. The first two articles in this three-part series talked about how to recognize incivility and the factors that influenced feelings of responsibility to do something about it. In this third article, I talk about what you can say against incivility and how you can get better at saying it.

What can you say?

Each time we speak, what we say and how we say it is heavily influenced by two things: who we are speaking to and the “impact” of what we say to the other person. To illustrate risk, I’ll use a simple example: asking the person at the table next to us to pass the salt. Passing the salt is obviously a pretty low impact ask. Nonetheless, most English speakers use a combination of politeness and indirectness to make their request while minimizing any risk of offense. Rather than “Give me your salt. We don’t have any,” you might more commonly hear, “Would you mind passing me the salt? Our table doesn’t seem to have any.”

Contrast a request for salt to asking the person seated next to us who is shouting at a coworker to lower their voice. The second ask has a much heavier impact. A higher risk. Saying anything to someone who is being uncivil carries risk. Below I categorize things you might say to someone who is being uncivil, from the riskier to the less risky strategies.

Call out the uncivil behavior

An example of directly calling out uncivil behavior might be, “You’re shouting and need to lower your voice.” Very clear. There are a few ways that you could soften this statement. You might say, “It feels like you’re shouting.” By introducing the idea that the shouting is a matter of personal perception, you’ve somehow softened the statement. You could also change from a more direct command to a more polite ask: “Would you mind lowering your voice?” You could also start by speaking of the impact the behavior is having on you, for example, “I’ve never been able to think clearly when voices are raised.” Another tactic could be to include yourself as a perpetrator of the behavior. For example, “We’re getting a little loud. Maybe we should lower our voices?” If someone is constantly being interrupted, you could say, “I’ve noticed that we keep interrupting Jasmine. Why don’t we give her a moment to finish her idea.” If there are established rules of behavior, referring back to them can be a way to get the meeting back on track while still highlighting the infraction. “I think in our last committee meeting we agreed that each department would get equal airtime. I’m worried that we won’t have time in our remaining 30 minutes.” Though calling out the uncivil behavior minimizes the ambiguity of the ask (depending on how indirect the ask is), it can be the riskiest way of speaking out. It is most often used by a senior employee towards a junior employee (also adult-child, teacher-student) or between peers with a close working relationship.

Address the cause of the incivility (defend the victim)

Incivility in the workplace is often triggered by a business issue: the revenue numbers are not being met, mistakes have been made in a recent audit, or the weekly report is late. (To be clear, this is not an acceptable excuse to start shouting or belittling someone.) Many observers who do not feel comfortable asking a boss or coworker to keep their voices down do feel empowered to jump in and defend the person who is at the receiving end of the incivility. This also takes courage. Sometimes it takes the form of trying to bridge the gap if there is a miscommunication. It could also be sharing a common experience of the cause of the issue, such as a reporting tool that was down or the delay in the northwest region’s purchasing cycle. Addressing the cause of incivility is less risky than calling out the uncivil behavior itself and can be an effective strategy. It can yield gratitude from the victim and a common understanding of the business issue. However, the risk of personal backlash from the uncivil person still prevents many from using this strategy.

Distract, Delay, Do-Over

This strategy is a combination of approaches, though it may not be recognized as a way to voice against incivility. A friend of mine is an expert at this. Whenever a conversation becomes heated, she skillfully introduces a new topic. Once the subject has been changed to one that is less controversial, the conversation can carry on more civilly. It is the conversational equivalent of saying, “Look, there’s a squirrel!” Occasionally a delay or a time-out is necessary. As an observer, interrupting a tense discussion with a “Would you mind if we took a 15-minute bio break? I sure could use one” can work wonders. A delay, even a short one, can allow tempers to cool and participants to regroup. The “do-over” is an even more subtle approach. I have seen this used most skillfully when a coworker is being interrupted or overlooked. Saying “I don’t think we’ve heard Mika’s ideas on the project yet. I know the ops team has a lot of knowledge on the implementation,” might allow Mika the opportunity to speak without directly pointing out that Alex has been bulldozing Mika the entire meeting.

Stay silent

Without a doubt, staying silent is the least risky thing to do. In the short run. However, the internal and business costs of standing by while incivility reigns are significant. When listening to the anecdotes of those who have observed incivility, the first stories they typically tell are of the times that they stood by and let incivility continue unchecked. To their ongoing regret. I am an advocate for, when possible, speaking out against incivility in the moment. For most of us, the “distract, delay, and do-over” approaches might be the most comfortable. More direct voice approaches can be culturally unacceptable or inappropriate given the players (typically customers or outsiders) that are present. You may feel more comfortable approaching the uncivil person at a moment when there is a lower risk of them losing face. If a direct approach is not possible, some organizations have structured ways of gathering behavioral feedback on their employees. If you have an ongoing incivility issue, your HR department might be a good place to begin.

How can you get better at speaking out? [Hint: It’s practice]

Incivility is going to happen. It’s not a question of if but rather of when. Like any other skill, learning how to speak out against incivility requires practice.

1 - Pick a scenario

Uncivil behaviors such as interrupting someone, ignoring someone, or doubting a coworker’s judgment are observed regularly in most workplaces. For others, it’s more egregious behavior. Start by identifying one or two uncivil scenarios from the office. What type of incivility is the most prevalent? And more importantly, which one would you feel the most comfortable tackling? (You can use the list of the most common uncivil behaviors in the first article as a guide.) Some find it easier to start their practice with less severe forms of incivility.

2 - Identify potential responses

I would love to share with you the perfect thing to say in response to incivility. However, the best thing you can say is the thing that you are most likely to say. It’s different for everyone. In Dr. Mary Gentile’s Giving Voice to Values program, she encourages employees to develop the skills and scripts to respond to an ethical challenge before it occurs. This breakthrough in ethics education has revolutionized how ethics is taught in corporations and academia. The same idea can be applied to tackling incivility. Incivility will happen. Drafting a response to incivility that you are comfortable with takes time. Start by brainstorming a list of things that you might say. Make each response no longer than one sentence. Identify five ideas from the most direct approach as well as five ideas from the distract/delay/do-over approach. From there, narrow the list to a maximum of one to two responses. Ultimately, the situation and your comfort level will dictate which option you choose.

3 - Practice

Speaking out against incivility is uncomfortable. It requires practice. Other than a few gifted, extemporaneous speakers, most of us need to rehearse a presentation before stepping into an interview or onto a stage. The same goes for speaking out against incivility. Rather than shying away from thinking about it, spend time practicing the responses that you have identified. Enlist a coworker, spouse, or friend to be the uncivil person (they will enjoy it). Write your responses on your phone or a piece of paper. If possible, have your ideas on hand the next time you expect incivility to occur. Research has shown that your message will be most effective if it is delivered without excessive or negative emotion. Raising your voice in an already heated situation is more likely to result in a downward spiral.

Could the uncivil person be me? (Something else to think about)

Put yourself in the shoes of the uncivil person. Why? How could it be me? If my behavior offended or intimidated someone, I would have heard about it by now. Or would I? Power and fear are most often cited as the drivers behind whether or not, or how, an observer of incivility will choose to speak up. If you are the most senior person in the room, chances are you are the least civil person present as well as the person who is the least likely to be called out on the behavior. There are a few ways that you can test this within your organization. It starts with observing the behavior of the most and the least powerful. Think about the uncivil behaviors that were discussed in my article on recognizing incivility. Observe yourself and your staff with others. Are those uncivil behaviors most often experienced by the least powerful employees? Silence about uncivil behavior by yourself or others might be evidence of how uncivil the work environment is, rather than proof of the opposite.

The cost of incivility is huge. It has both individual and organizational consequences. It results in psychological damage, employee dissatisfaction, lost productivity, and turnover to both the victims and the observers. The damage is cumulative over time and is experienced disproportionately by the least powerful. Leaders play a role in creating a more civil workplace for everyone. But each and every one of us is also an observer. We all have voices. We all play a role.

#incivility?#givingvoicetovalues?#leadership

About the author:?Dr. Danielle Galbraith is passionate about leadership, civility, and voice. She believes in our shared responsibility to create a civil workplace and environment. She holds a doctorate in Values-Driven Leadership from Benedictine University and is co-founder of the Blue Spark Group.