Ways to change the system
Sarah Browning (she/her)
Inspiring human connection & wellbeing through kindness and communication
This is not the post I was supposed to write today.
My plan was to talk about all the wonderful things that happened at KindFest last week. But something happened to me this morning which has made me so angry there has been a change of plan.
I was walking home after my aerobics class and a bloke on a bike decided to wolf-whistle at me. I shouted at him with words my mother wouldn’t approve of (another bit of patriarchal nonsense, that women aren’t supposed to swear).
This comes about 6 weeks after a man at a business networking event took it upon himself to give me his opinion of my eyes (amazing, apparently). I reported what happened to the (female) organisers of the event and they were brilliant in the way they responded, dealt with the situation and supported me.
Sick and tired
I know that in the grand scheme of things neither of these were ‘serious’ incidents. But they are part of a bigger system that is very serious indeed for the way that women and girls are treated.
I am sick and tired of living in a culture that accepts this sort of thing and clearly gives out the message that if you’re a man that behaves this way (and I know many don’t), that’s OK. We are surrounded by examples such as:
The impact on me
I’m very aware that I’m a woman with many privileges. I’m white, straight, cis, just for starters. So if I’m experiencing this, how much worse it is for women who don’t have those same privileges.
One of the many things that makes me so angry about this is that I can guarantee the 2 men involved in the incidents will not have given it another thought. And yet I have spent a lot of time, energy and emotion going over what happened. In my case, this has not been to think about what I could have done differently (although for many women it is), but to feel angry and frustrated that this happened at all.
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Why do we have a society where there is such in-built arrogance, that it won’t have occurred to these men that they might not force their opinion of my appearance on me uninvited?
Change the system
So how can I turn that frustration into something positive? That’s why I decided to change my plan and write about this today. We must keep speaking up and calling out this kind of behaviour. I believe it's our responsibility to do what we can to change the system.
I can’t change the whole system, but here are a couple of my thoughts to apply in the type of situation I’ve experienced:
Power of connection
And this is where this article joins back up with my original plan. A massive part of the power of kindness, as demonstrated at KindFest, is the way that it connects us as human beings.
The men involved in these 2 situations were unkind to me. But the response and support I’ve had from others has been hugely positive and kind. When we connect together we listen to each other properly, we respond in an empathetic way and we are kind.
And we are all the richer for it.
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I am an independent kindness cheerleader and communicator. I work with my clients to find ways to use the power of kindness for business success. I help them communicate their kindness stories and build a culture that recognises kindness. Find out more about my comms work on?my comms website?and about the?Time for Kindness workshops?on the dedicated programme site.
I write marketing copy for creative, environmental CICs founders who support people’s health and build joyful, resilient communities | Creative & Mindful Photography facilitator | Working with Nature ??
1 年Thank you for writing this Sarah. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I find it frustrating that A. people still do this and B. it's difficult to hold people accountable for unacceptable behaviour when it's fleeting (for example someone shouting out of their window and tooting their car-horn at me when I was out running). As a mother of a young teenage daughter, who has already had an unfortunate experience on a bus, it makes me very angry and upset that *a few* men still feel it's acceptable to engage in this upsetting type of behaviour.
Neurodivergent knot untangler & Notion gal. Slaying your brain gremlins with practical, personalised help ??.
1 年I'm so sorry you experienced this. It's awful that it's still so common. One way I think can be helpful for men to judge if something is appropriate is to consider if they would say the same to a man. I think it's very doubtful either of those men would have treated a man the way they did you. I have been unfortunate this year to have had 2 situations with men; one a lot more serious than the other. But in both cases the men think they did nothing wrong and simply can't see or understand why their behaviour was so awful. That, for me, is the truly concerning thing in these situations. I do think things are changing but I also think (controversial opinion alert) that we need to support men as these changes happen. Men have an average of 0, yes zero, friends, and don't seem to be being educated outside of people yelling at and about them on the internet. That isn't going to help any of us to get to a society where women are truly treated equally.
Equity, Diversity & Inclusion Consultant at Equasense developing Consciously Inclusive leaders, teams and organisations, enabling meaningful D&I actions and supporting EDI teams; Coach to academics and researchers.
1 年I am so sorry you had those experiences and thank you for sharing that far from us moving on, in many ways that patriarchal system is stronger than ever. In the diversity and inclusion world we often hear the comment "the next generation will be better, it will change soon". At a conference this week we concluded that this may be true in some ways and some places...but in these particular aspects those of us with teenagers feel very little has changed and that we need to think radically about how we can be heard. Not sure how to do that yet though!
The Impact And Thrive Coach. Helping leaders and their teams unleash potential and explode impact | PCC (ICF) Career and Leadership Coach | Team Facilitator | Leadership & Personal Development Geek
1 年I'm so glad you did write this and I'm so glad you did share it. It's infuriating that we are still dealing with this sh*t. I am deeply frustrated that I have to prepare my teenage girls for a world that will objectify them. To let them know that this is not about them and to not let it stop them from being the incredible young women they are. It is so important that we keep speaking up and calling it out and encouraging men to do the same - this is how we make change happen. Keep fighting. Keep raging. Keep holding the vision for a better world.
??Leadership Coach for Charity Sector; Leadership and Team Facilitator, Speaker, Heart-Centred Leaders Ltd
1 年First of all I’m sorry you experienced these incidents and I’m glad you didn’t waste time with any navel gazing about what you might have done differently. Speaking up is couragoeus and gives others permission and courage to speak up too. Collectively we can influence culture but it’s so damn slow isn’t it ? And when men in powerful positions are often exhibiting the worst and most extreme abuses of women and girls, it’s even harder. Standing together for support along with our male allies helps But challenging the status quo comes with its own risks and not everyone is prepared to take that personal or professional risk. Your article is very insightful and more powerful coming off the back of your two incidents. Congrats for adding the kindness take on it. You’re absolutely right !