No Way But Through: How to Work While Grieving a Loved One

They say that there is no way around; you must go through an impenetrably difficult situation. I can think of fewer things more difficult than the death of someone you loved. In this pandemic, we are mourning hundreds of thousands of sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers, husbands, wives and lovers. We are doing this in make-shift home offices, in essential working roles, from the vantage of socially distanced responsibilities where the solace of human contact we used to rely on in our sorrow when a loved one passes is now stripped from us. And we still must show up on our Zoom at 8:30 for that staff meeting. So how do we get through the angst of recent loss? To our nation's horror, we are losing a devastating number of lives in this pandemic- and still more to ancillary scourges like cancer, suicide, and domestic violence, to name just a few. How can we keep ourselves going in our professional roles, while dealing with this cumbersome grief? Here are some ways that I have found to be helpful for myself and a few suggested by those who have also suffered recent tragedy and loss:

1) Take a deep breath, exhale, and then communicate to your team: Whether you send an email to your closest in your company's roster, you just text/chat with only a few that include your immediate supervisor or manager, or simply pick up your phone and call the key people that you support or that support you in your work, let them know that you literally are not yourself these days in light of your loss. This is an important way to both manage expectations and to let the people you work closely with know that even though you may be compromised by distractions of penetrating memories of your departed, you are going to do your best- but that it is within the prism of unanticipated sobbing jags and random periods of time that you find yourself staring off into the distance, still in shock.

2) Find an online counselor you like and sign up for weekly sessions for at least 3 months: Being under the pressure of deadlines and impending deliverables, the added stress of losing a loved one could-as they say- push you to the brink. You may find yourself unloading a night's worth of nightmares and agony on your direct report-who may want to help but has no idea what to do or say. A counselor knows what to say, and is a better place to share these emotions and frustrations. An outlet is needed, but a counselor is a much better repository for grief than a co-worker.

3) Don't use your video option on virtual meetings, if you can avoid it: My white-lie is to blame technical difficulties with my camera. But seriously, for the first few weeks after your loss, the water-works will start at any given moment and you don't really want all the participants of that client meeting to observe your mascara starting to run. Guys, you cry too, so I'm sure don't want witnesses. Yes, it's a mild dishonesty. But worth the avoidance of onlookers to your grief.

4) Working from home can have draw-backs, but in this case embrace the benefits: If you have a family within the walls of your working-from-home architecture, they may have been loud or intrusive during your work-day. These same folks are now your source of hugs and shared bowls of weeping-in-my-sweets ice cream sundaes or deep-fried donuts. The people that love you are right outside your home-office door. Use them as ballasts against the tidal waves of tears and regrets.

5) Do something that exemplifies your professional skills to honor the passing of the one you loved: For me, I am very skilled at event organizing and business development. So, I am using the life I still have (to remember my loved one that is lost) by trying to assemble a benefit concert whose proceeds will fund research to fight the disease that killed the one I loved. Actively engaging in the solutions that are being built to address the pain, suffering and disease that our departed suffered can help with feeling like the loss was not in vain. And at the very least, it can keep you occupied with an activity that also may be of interest for your current employer to promote (and to highlight the great work employees are doing for the community).

Thanks for listening to my observations. In the weeks and months ahead I am sure that we will begin to see further accomplishments of folks in our communities that have gone through the wringer of this pandemic, the impact it has had on our families and relationships, and how we are overcoming whatever is in our paths through collaboration, creativity and commitment. Good tidings and warm wishes to every and all that read this. I truly hope you don't have personal experience, but might pass this on to someone you know that might be able to glean some comfort from these words. We will get through this. No other way but through.