The Way Forward

Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. People almost never change without first feeling understood.? – Douglas Stone

Everyone was talking about the Olympic opening ceremony and choreographed depiction of The Last Supper.? I did not see it when it happened, but boy did I hear about it when it did.? Rather than go through this full political or religious discussion, I will simply note that as a Christian, I was disappointed.? However, I did not come to that conclusion until a couple days later.? Why would I not be outraged, angered, or even upset the moment I saw it?? It is something that I learned a long time ago when in situations where I jumped to a conclusion influenced by what others thought without finding out what the intent was.? This is often easy to do because we are taught to believe our initial reaction is usually the right one.? While that is often true, it can also be damaging to others when it is wrong.? Trust is often lost and rebuilding it can not only be a lengthy process but also at time impossible.

Being a leader in a difficult conversation is often about navigating what we feel, what is reality, and how we move forward.? In that process, important relationships are at risks and the stakes are high.? This often falls into the realm of what authors Joseph Grenny and Kerry Patterson best coined as a ‘Crucial Conversation.’? In their summation, organizations who handled these conversations well have far greater organizational success over those who do not.? This handling of ‘Crucial Conversations’ not only changed my view of handling conversations at work but also at home.? Through the years, there were other pieces added along the way that showed a better path toward handling tough conversations.? This is invaluable no matter what the discussion and how valuable it is.? So, what are you to do in an emotionally charged situation?? Let’s look at these valuable steps in the process.

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Find the Feeling

When we find ourselves in a difficult conversation, it is often because there is some level of emotion involved.? It is often valuable to find out the driver to that emotion.? When we see a car driving in the construction zone diving in at the last minute seven or ten cars ahead of us, it might draw a feeling of anger or resentment.? “Why could they not wait like the rest of us,” you might say.? Well, at least I used to.? It is important to understand the driver behind our feeling because that in itself can lead to our making conclusions that may be far from the truth.? A person leaving early from work on a daily basis might make you feel like they are not working as hard, or an individual who takes personal calls is seemingly not focused on the task at hand.? These feelings need to be separated from the fact-finding portion of this conversation because the facts may simply prove you wrong.? However, if justified this is an important part of a discussion because that is a bit of your opening if you have sufficient information that may lead to a reasonable conclusion.? When the conversation comes up, it might sound something like this:

“Hey Kent.? I want to talk to you about your productivity.? I have noticed that your numbers have slipped a bit over the past few weeks.? Last week, you left early from work three days, and last Friday, you took a lot of time on a personal call.? This makes me feel like you’re not as focused on the task at hand.? Am I off base here?”

Here, the facts speak to the dip in productivity, the leaving early, and lengthy personal call during work hours.? The important part of this is currently the ‘feel’ part because it is a feeling.? Not a fact.? While the saying goes, “Facts do not care about your feelings,” the truth is feelings in a conversation need to be heard to ensure things are not off base.

Assume Positive Intent

When having a conversation, nothing can be more damaging than making a false accusation.? You can have all the data in front of you, but unless you have considered all the possibilities in the discussion, you are not sure what the conclusion will come to.? Thus, when going into a conversation, always assume the best intent possible.? Someone is showing up late for work, assume there is a good reason.? Did a good employee have a bad month?? Assume they will bounce back.? New employee not starting off on the right foot?? Assume they will get it together.? No, I am not saying to ignore the facts in front of us.? We still need to set the expectation that people show up for work on time, employee perform to meet the goals of the organization, and new team members get off on the right foot.? However, our mindset going into a conversation should always be with the best intent at least until facts prove beyond reasonable doubt that there is a problem.? Someone who is late twice a week is different from a person who is late twice a week for the past five weeks even after a casual conversation.? However, assuming positive intent avoids our making false accusations and unnecessarily hurting feelings.

Find Out the Why

In Finding the Feeling, we focused on how our feeling can drive our conclusion.? In finding out the why, we focus on the perspective of the other side of the table to narrow to the conclusion.? We want to see if the information gathered and emotion we feel match what the other person in the conversation says and feels.? Our goal here in the conversation is to listen to the explanation after we have expressed our feel of the situation.? We already have the right mindset assuming a positive outcome and have given notice of our feelings on the situation.? The explanation may be perfectly reasonable, and from this, we can end the conversation noting just in case the problem should arise again.? If it is a clear problem and both sides acknowledge it as such, we can move toward what needs to happen next to resolve it.? This is how we can maintain trust, which is invaluable in any work relationship.? We want to be in a good position to address the issue while maintaining a positive work relationship.

Share Perspective

Having thoroughly examined all perspectives and expressed our thoughts and feelings, we are now poised to chart our path forward. ?This final step is crucial in ensuring that the conversation has been comprehensive and that all parties understand the next steps. ?While unanimity may not always be achievable, sharing our perspectives is vital. ?If one perspective becomes the deciding factor, it must be respected and adhered to without diminishing the validity of other viewpoints.? It's important to distinguish between what is 'right' and what is 'best.' ?While we should always strive to do the right thing, 'right' can often be subjective and dependent on one's perspective. ?For instance, disciplinary actions for tardiness may differ between an assembly line and an office setting. The 'best' approach considers what works for the specific situation, taking into account consistency, fairness, precedent, and other relevant factors.

As we navigate the complexities of difficult conversations, it is essential to focus on what truly matters rather than getting entangled in emotions. An impactful discussion does not require raised voices but thoughtful, respectful dialogue. Reflecting on the delicate issue of religious offense, religious scholar Ed Stetzer offers a valuable perspective: “We can reject outrage while still be rightly offended.” In other words, we can set aside harmful emotions and still address issues productively.? Let us commit to ensuring that our challenging, emotion-driven conversations are clear in expressing our views while maintaining respect for others. This approach is not just beneficial but necessary for meaningful progress. This is our way forward.