The way to fix your problem is to not fix the problem

I’m sure you’d agree there’s no limit on the amount of information we can access to help us overcome the emotional setbacks, hurts and pains we experience in our life. These days it’s possible to learn about anything. We can become ‘emotionally intelligent’, conquer our fears with mindset techniques and practice mindfulness as a way of overcoming feelings of inadequacy and disruption.

I’d like to ask you, if you do agree, why then, aren’t we as a species, more empowered, more joyful, more content and confident? Why then are we experiencing unprecedented levels of depression and anxiety, suicides and addiction? and that was pre covid!

I’d like to strongly recommended we start another conversation - around emotional education, learning how to engage in the experience of our emotions so we can access the gifts they bring.

Emotional education is not something that can be done with our heads. Sure, we need the insight and initial input of new concepts and ideas. But emotional education is about our feeling world. Have YOU ever felt with your head? It’s such a no-brainer. Both figuratively and literally! I want to propose that this is the education we need. Which leads to the next question - how do you learn, if you’re not using your brain? How do you expand your emotional education? NOW you’re asking the right question.

However, I’m not ready to answer that for you yet.

Firstly, I’d like you to reflect on any personal challenge you face right now. You know, the one that keeps you awake at 2am in the morning? What is that friction point that disrupts your peace and serenity throughout the day? Look at that problem. Is it not having enough money? That your partner doesn’t tell you they love you, or maybe they’re always drinking/drugging? Perhaps it’s NOT having a partner that constantly plays on your mind. Or is your obsessive and disruptive thinking around food, your body or sex?

Now if we were to educate ourselves emotionally we’d see the reality of each situation. 

Money: “I don’t have enough money” Really? How much money do you have? You can feel like this if you have $2 or 2 million dollars. Couldn’t you therefore conclude, this challenge is REALLY about fear of financial insecurity. That’s emotion.

Relationship: “My partner never tells me they love me.” This might not mean what you think, but perhaps you are feeling unloved and unsupported? That’s emotion. “If only my partner would stop drinking, drugging, gambling”. Is the way you really feel so much under the control of another human being? Or is this really about the lack of connection and safety you feel? That’s emotion.

Body: “I don’t want to eat” or “I’m not slim enough” Do you really not want to eat? Not slim enough – compared to what? Or are you REALLY feeling out of control, untrusting of yourself, unworthy, not good enough. That’s emotion.

Sex: “I can’t stop watching porn” is it the act of watching porn you have a problem with (probably not – I’d suggest that could be the enjoyable part) or the feeling it generates in you, of disconnection with life, shame, feeling out of control? That’s emotion.

You get the idea - all of these behaviours are generated by an emotion and generate emotion. This is because emotion is the ‘feeling experience’ of natural engagement with our life. Yet the focus of our societies is often on learning more about changing the event or behaviour, rather than educating ourselves emotionally. In the past, our insights and advances in understanding our emotions has been centered in our ‘knowledge’, in analysis, research and trying to change and remove the disturbing feelings we feel.

I’d like to propose we consider a subtle shift in the way we view the events and circumstances that bother us. Simply, shift the focus from the event or circumstance and place it on the feeling generated in you. I can affirm that after working with thousands of people, I’ve never seen a problem solved in its entirety by focussing on what’s happening. Problem and disturbances dissolve, when a client is educated around the emotion – when they take full responsibility for engaging in the experience of learning about that emotion.

When I focus on the experience of learning about the emotion underneath the situations that disturb me, I feel incredibly empowered. I’m understanding and using the emotion for its rightful purpose – to help me see what I need to heal inside myself so I can cease generating these emotions. Through this process, the event or circumstance then naturally solves itself.

Marcus Aurelius once said, "The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

My interpretation: My mind will tell me the emotional disturbances I feel that stop me from progress and contentment, are because of the person, event or thing in front of me making me feel unhappy, anxious, depressed etc. By seeing the real impediment (the way you are engaging with your emotions) you go straight to the root of the problem. The discomfort, the emotional charge underneath every event, is what stands in your way of experiencing your most empowered and abundant state, therefore that’s exactly what you need to work with to make your advance and live the life you’ve always felt was possible. An emotionally educated human knows when they feel that ‘gap’ of not good enough, not worthy enough etc. and engaging with it appropriately, there's an opportunity for greater liberation, fulfilment and peace.

Hah! What a twist! Like any great movie, the best endings only come together once the whole picture has been exposed.

With this understanding, next time you’re reacting to an event or person, observe what is it you’re feeling? Look for what’s really going on for you emotionally and make that your focus. Take a breath, buy yourself some time and engage in the experience of the emotional disturbance and it WILL teach you exactly what you need to know to live fully in your most fulfilling and satisfying state every day of your life.

Sending love, Lisa x

Lisa Jayne is an Emotions Educator, Speaker and Author. She works with self aware and courageous women to engage with the emotions generated by personal challenges, so they can have mental clarity and reconnect to their most empowered state. Lisa also facilitates online events and creates regular videos on topics suggested to her by her audience. For more information visit www.iamlisajayne.com or email [email protected].