Water Under the Bridge Philosophy -Starting with Preschool Connections

If you have spent a bit of time in childcare, you can probably think of at least one child that at first glance will seem hard to love. If you have ever felt relief at this child's absence, then you have thought of the exact child I want you to have in mind as you read this article.

We have often heard that the child who needs the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways, but I must tell you never were truer words spoken. This child may seem obstinate, disobedient, defiant, and in some cases, violent. The violence could be verbally accostive, physical with touch or strike, or even tearing down your beautifully designed classroom decorations or overturning furniture. As an administrator, I have often heard the rally cry to oust that student before those words could even be spoken; but, I am telling you, that is the worst possible course of action.

Frequently, these students have been removed from multiple schools. They know the drill, and quite frankly, they control the situation. Do you walk on eggshells for fear of an outburst? When we allow self doubt, because this is what this is, to rule the situation, the child has dismantled our defense system. Whether it is a fear of your administrator or parents, and definitely your fellow teachers to witness what seems to be an out of control moment, we ultimately think that this is a reflection of our skill level, and at the root of it, our worth. But the most skilled teachers know that these moments are pivotal and can be directionally changing when harnessed for the teaching moment they really represent.

I want you to ponder this for a moment. Imagine being the child that has been rejected over and over again, removed from many a school. The time at home then shifts to frequent disciplinary actions to parental frustration, anger, or sadness. If we are seeing a disability taking root, it may be that the child cannot control their outbursts or does not possess the higher level thinking to self correct. The self image and self esteem start to plummet. This child will now be thrust into this situation over and over again as they must start over at numerous schools. Imagine the childhood heartache, as attachments come and go.

So let's say this child, now believes that they do not deserve love nor will they be there for very long anyway, so why even try. In my experience, I have seen this child purposely be bad, outrageous even, because at least this way, they control why you do not like them. It isn't their true self after all. You have not REALLY rejected them. You have rejected their angry shell of protection that they have created for themselves. This is what could be the birth of the bully. But you, the excellently trained childcare professional, have the power to change the trajectory and bring the pieces of that child's heart back together.

Of course, in many cases, trained mental health experts will also be required, but you too can do your part. The way to do it is easy in words, but difficult in practice. Let's call it I'll Love You Tomorrow. So how do we get started? We know we are dealing with a fa?ade generated to protect the core of a rejected child. Your boundaries will be tested. The child's gratification is the loss of your temper. Simply don't. Love so ferociously that the child doesn't know what to do with themselves. Even if you have to cry in your car over your hard, hard day. Tears of frustration, anger, of not knowing how to proceed, love bravely. Love enduringly. Love to a point where you know those before you stopped, but have the courage to carry on.

You must remain firm on your boundaries, consistent in your discipline, and equal in your expectations of every child in the room. Be the safety keeper. But don't dread the student. Repeat, don't dread the student! Look forward to each day as how can I try again. Count each day as a success, not matter if it went poorly or wonderfully. Both are teaching you treasure troves of wisdom. No matter how horrible the day before was, the past day is Water Under the Bridge, and always Love Them Tomorrow. Start fresh.

I have never experienced a case where your stubbornness to love hasn't paid off. Each day the child will begin to question, what's wrong with you. Why are you different? Why doesn't what worked to upset the last teacher upset you? Why aren't you angry or apathetic? How could you possibly be HAPPY to see me each day? Sad even, when I am not there? The child's confusion is the beginning of the most beautiful moment of them all and the reason why, we soldiered through all the terrible moments before. When the child finally understands that you loved them through all the terrible misbehaviors, the purposeful wrongdoings, maybe just maybe, you will love, and not reject, the real them. The fragile, often misunderstood, little child stands before you in a leap of faith that you will not send them away or tell them that they are bad. Be prepared to be that person that they will remember forever. That person who loved illogically. You will break through the wall. You will assemble their parts. You will rebuild them from the inside out.

Every child deserves one person who believes that the sun rises and sets on them. If they cannot find that love anywhere else, do you have the courage and determination to be that hero?