Wanting The Best for Your Kids or Those You Lead Is Selfish. Here's Why
Robert Glazer
5X Entrepreneur, #1 WSJ & USA Today Bestselling Author, Top .1% Podcast Host and Keynote Speaker. Board Chair & Founder @ Acceleration Partners
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A few weeks back, I wrote about the “Varsity Blues” scandal in which some very misguided parents were charged with “helping” their children get into elite universities through fraud and bribes.
Around that same time, I listened to an almost two-hour long podcast between Tim Ferriss and Lebron James. When Ferriss asked James about his parenting philosophy and his kids, one of whom is an aspiring basketball player, James said something that really stuck with me:
“I don’t want the best for my kids. I want the best out of them.”
What a great piece of leadership advice – not only for parents, but for anyone who leads. When you want something for someone, it really has more to do with you than them.
I’ve seen this more times than I can count on the sidelines of youth sports games. Parents, who seem riddled with regret about not being a better athlete when they were younger, attempt to transfer their own lamentations to their child through overzealous “encouragement.”
Wanting the best out of someone is more about helping them tap into their innate desires and ambitions and encouraging them. It’s not about passing yours on to them.
Shortly after hearing Ferriss and James’ podcast episode, someone shared an article with me written by Kobe Bryant (another Hall of Fame basketball player) titled, “A Letter to My Younger Self.” In his article, he distinguishes between investing and giving and explains why he’s such a strong advocate for the former:
“You will come to understand that you were taking care of them because it made YOU feel good, it made YOU happy to see them smiling and without a care in the world — and that was extremely selfish of you. While you were feeling satisfied with yourself, you were slowly eating away at their own dreams and ambitions. You were adding material things to their lives, but subtracting the most precious gifts of all: independence and growth.”
During my discussion with renowned wealth expert, Garrett Gunderson on the Elevate podcast, he detailed this exact scenario between two of the richest families in American history: the Vanderbilts and the Rockefellers.
The Vanderbilt’s approach was to shower their children with money. In turn, they and their children spent it as fast as they received it on houses, cars and failed investments. As such, the family’s wealth was almost wiped out within a generation.
The Rockefellers, on the other hand, chose to teach their kids values and used their wealth to invest in their children rather than on material things. To this day, the Rockefeller fortune remains intact. Many of the Rockefeller heirs have gone on to hold very successful leadership roles and the family remains committed to allocating their vast resources to charitable causes, donating over $50M each year.
Leadership is not about what’s important to you or about making you feel better. It’s about the other person; their desires and dreams. And, perhaps most importantly, real leadership is about providing the support so that others can develop skills that will allow them to be independent, not dependent.
Think about your approach to leadership, be it as a parent or as a boss. Are you a Vanderbilt or a Rockefeller? A Giver or an Investor? Do you want the best for others or do you want the best out of others?
Quote of the Week: “Leaders don’t create followers, they create more leaders.” -Tom Peters
Robert Glazer is the founder and CEO of Acceleration Partners, an award winning performance marketing agency ranked #4 on Glassdoor’s best places to work. Robert was also named to Glassdoor’s list of Top CEO of Small and Medium Companies in the US, ranking #2. Learn more at www.robertglazer.com
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5 年Umm....it's not that clear cut. A parent is a parent. Protective and nurturing. It's a learnt skill just like delegation .......it's hard to step back. Your kids remain your kids until your last puff, and then you possibly carry it into the afterlife? My sister insists our mother expresses displeasure by switching her TV etc on and off. Fortunately my TV responds on my to me. I'm a dyed in the wool pater familia so I had to suck up delegation and release.
Nuclear Engineer, bilingual English/Russian
5 年I would prefer to put it this way:? "Wanting the best for those in your care is in your own enlightened self-interest".
Senior Interreg Expert and knowledge manager Manager of the Interact Academy
5 年You must help your kids to find out what there were borned to do. Just tell them not to worry about money and success. You will take care of ! Just be true to yourself and you will get there!
Staff Engineer at Aescape
5 年Overthinking
Senior Instrumentation Engineer / Acting Superintendent
5 年A mere play on words and narrowly interpreting “for” and “out of”. Not scientific at all. Our biology says that much of the brain hardwiring happen during a child’s formative years (< 4 yrs). With this mind, parents could strategically direct their kids to like sports, music, science, etc and set them up for success. Obviously, genetics plays a part. If all of your family are short, then molding your child to be good at basketball would most likely not set him up for success because chances are, he/she would be short too. If none of your family is musical or could hold a tune, then teaching a kid to play violin would only marginally improve his/her skill. If both of you have high IQs, then your kid would be likely intelligent and early learning would most likely accelerate his/her development. For and out of are related. You do what’s best FOR your kids by helping their “best” to come OUT OF them. In short, develop their gifts.