Want Your Kids To Thrive? Focus on Connection.

Key Takeaways

• The most connected adults are ones who experienced a connected childhood.
• A connected childhood helps foster self-esteem and optimism later in life.
• Areas of connection include family togetherness, community and a sense of the past.

As driven and successful people, we want to see our kids take the right steps toward living their own successful lives—while avoiding the biggest potholes and ditches that could derail them along the route.

But are we focusing on the areas that really count—the ones that can potentially maximize our kids’ ability to lead lives that are both financially successful and full of contentment??

High expectations and accountability are necessary and important, of course. But what too many people overlook, or undervalue, is connectedness—a concept pioneered and championed by world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell. Connectedness is the feeling of being part of something larger than yourself that matters to you. It can be a major driver of success in life, at work and in business.?

Connectedness is one of those topics that can look “soft” on the surface but is in fact rooted in science and research.?

• The warmth of relationships throughout life has the greatest positive impact on life satisfaction, according to the Grant Study.
• People who are isolated face a 50 percent greater risk of premature death than those who have stronger social connections, according to the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health.
• Lack of connection with others can damage the immune system, according to a study out of the University of California, Los Angeles—an issue that takes on added urgency during a public health crisis.

The importance of a connected childhood

Hallowell argues that the most connected adults are those who experienced a connected childhood. That’s not surprising: As with so many things in life, the sooner we get started on something, the better the eventual outcome.?

Simply put, a connected childhood is one where the main priority at home and at school is to create an environment in which a child feels cared for, welcomed and treated fairly. This type of environment can help foster four inner traits that research shows “predispose positive mental attitudes” in later life:

• Self-esteem
• A sense of personal control over your life (at least somewhat)
• Optimism
• Extroversion

Consider another study—one involving more than 12,000 adolescents—examining which factors were most likely to protect kids from negative outcomes such as violent behavior, emotional distress and suicide. The study found two factors that were by far the most effective at creating such protection:

1. A feeling of connectedness at home. Children who reported feeling connected at home—essentially meaning they felt a closeness with their parents and felt loved, wanted and understood by them—were far less likely to get into trouble than non-connected children.?
2. A feeling of connectedness at school. Students who felt that teachers treated them fairly and who felt close to peers at school were less likely to exhibit violent behavior and signs of emotional distress.?

Hallowell’s conclusion: “Academic achievements matter, but the feeling of connectedness counts most. In fact, the two go hand in hand.”

Ways to create a connected childhood

The good news is that you don’t need to take drastic steps to help create a connected childhood for your kids or grandkids. Quitting your job or devoting yourself to your kids at the expense of all other activities isn’t necessary.

Instead, says Hallowell, consider taking the following action steps in some of the key types of connectedness. Don’t try to do everything listed here—addressing even a few will put your child (and you) on a better path to a connected life.

1. Unconditional love and family togetherness

Creating a more connected family life requires a commitment to building a feeling of togetherness and making time for each other so it can happen. Engage in conversations with your kids about what they think a family that is “together” and connected looks and feels like. In addition, seek to:

Have family dinners. As often as you can—even if it’s just two times a week—get the whole family around the dinner table (or breakfast table). This is so often a prime venue for conversations and debates to occur that build connections among family members. Questions and conflicts arise and are resolved, and philosophies are compared.

Use principled reasoning instead of intimidation. Better connection is built when the limits you set as a parent are based on principles you believe in versus intimidation and “because I said so”-style responses. Examples of such principles might include fair play, sharing, treating others as you want to be treated and mutual respect for feelings.?

Develop traditions and rituals. Birthday parties, holiday gatherings, annual visits to honor deceased family members—all of these can create a sense of family togetherness that extends beyond the people in your own home. Create your own traditions, too—Friday game night, pancakes after every soccer match and so on. (Even watching the same TV show together every week can build connection.) Enlist the family in coming up with these traditions, and make them happen.

2. Friends, neighbors and community

Connection with the broader world is crucial and can be honed through steps such as these:

Discuss what it means to you and your kids to be a good friend. Have conversations about the “facts” of friendship, such as being loyal, asking people to join you in your activities, not intentionally embarrassing someone and talking through problems.?

Share stories of your friendships, past and present, and ask for stories about your children’s friends. Relating your own real-life experiences, good and bad, with your friends can instill lessons. Additionally, showing interest in your kids’ friends demonstrates that you’re interested in your children’s lives.

Get involved together in community events. Volunteer for food drives, park cleanups and the like, to help reinforce the link between your family and your neighborhood.?

3. Chores and work

Doing chores around the house, and later working for a paycheck, tends to give children a sense of industry—a feeling that they can do things and want to do things—that helps them see the important connection between effort and results. Don’t bury them in work, but don’t foster entitlement either.

Pick chores that are reasonable and tailored to each child’s level. Define the work clearly, make sure the child can handle it, and then hold the child accountable.?

4. Sports/activities

These are obvious ways to create connections between children and parents, and between children and other kids. But they’re also areas that have been cut back in many schools, so it may take some initiative on your part to make them happen.?

Encourage kids to pursue an activity in their area of interest, even if it’s not yours. Let them lead the way here. If they can’t decide, expose them to multiple activities to see what clicks.?

Maintain a healthy attitude. The idea is not to push your kids to become pro athletes. It’s to help create a sense of connection with others and develop a set of skills. That won’t likely happen if you become a crazed, hypercompetitive parent. Whatever the activity, reinforce the idea that expertise isn’t a requirement for enjoyment. You can model this in your own life by continuing to pursue interests you enjoy—for example, tennis or gardening—even if you’re adequate but not great at them.?

5. A sense of the past

“Knowing your roots” can give people a strong idea of the path they are on and where they may be headed. Learning family members’ history, for example, can potentially inspire children to engage in similar pursuits or careers. Conversely, it can potentially help motivate kids to avoid certain behaviors that caused suffering in the lives of ancestors. But even if they do neither of those things, they will develop a deeper insight into what it means to be them—both as individuals and as members of a larger group of people. Some action steps include:

Tell stories. Reveal moments and insights from your childhood that were important to you. Talk about how the neighborhood you live in has changed over time—how it was before your kids were born and how it’s evolved since then. Oral retellings of the past—especially funny or shocking moments—build a bridge to the present day for our kids.?

Encourage kids to listen to older people. Sure, stories from Grandma and Grandpa can get dull—but if your kids actively engage them with questions like “What was it like to be a kid when you were my age?” they’ll likely hear some fascinating details that could give them perspective on their own lives.

Save and pull out mementos. Have a scrapbook or box of old photos of family members or family friends, and go through it with your kids once in a while—pointing out who people were and their connection to the family. Likewise, sock away some of your own kids’ pictures, art, homework and other projects they did when they were young. That picture of your son wearing a diaper and a parka and wielding a kitchen spatula will create laugher and connection.

Note: Hallowell details more ways to build connection in kids in his book The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness.?

Conclusion

No one wants to see their kids grow up to be so-called miserable successes—wealthy but deeply unhappy. One way to potentially help them avoid that fate is to encourage this sense of connection when they’re young. By doing so, you just might set them on a path to a life filled with both success and meaning.?

VFO Inner Circle Special Report?By John J. Bowen Jr.

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