Want to reduce workplace stress? Be vulnerable.

Toughness. We admire it so much when we see it in other people, yet for many of us it feels like an elusive quality. You see, we equate toughness with outward strength: speaking confidently, mediating a tense situation, working longer and harder.

But so much of that toughness we see and seek comes from a place of scarcity. Of fear. We have to put on this big front to intimidate others. To not be taking advantage of. To be taken seriously as a leader.

What if, however, we stopped trying to be so tough. And we instead focused on being resilient. I'm sure you're thinking: what's the difference?

Toughness is defined by your ability to withstand adverse conditions. Whereas resilience is your capacity to withstand difficulties for extended periods of time. Toughness is often equated to rigidity (think "tough as nails") while resilience is about elasticity.

Toughness is inflexible. Resilience is pliable; and it leaves room for vulnerability.

When it comes to being resilient at work, we talk a lot about working through disagreements; addressing problems that arise; and resolving failures of communication or collaboration. But we rarely talk about arguably the most important, most prevalent reason why we all need to be resilient: reducing stress.

According to The American Institute of Stress , 83 percent of US workers say they suffer from daily work-related stress. And 76 percent of US workers say that workplace stress affects their personal relationships. It's the personal relationships with our coworkers that will help us build productive teams and successful products. To do that, resilience in growing those networks is key; and for that to happen, you need to be okay with being a bit vulnerable.

Resilience ???????? Vulnerability

Connection is one of the key empathy behaviors I speak quite a bit about, and one of the core components of successful connections is resilience. Building relationships – because that what connection is – happens over time. You don’t just talk to someone once or twice and trust that you’ve built a solid foundation.

Trust and true rapport take a while to develop, and it’s not always a straight line towards success. You’ll have disagreements, hiccups, debates and moments of dissent. What's truly important is continuing to pursue the relationship both during and after those moments.

Why does this matter? Keith Ferrazzi , NYT bestselling author of Never Eat Alone, said it best: candor, transparency, and risk-taking are all earmarks of strong relationships. You cannot operate at your team’s fullest potential if you don’t know what’s on each other’s minds.

Vulnerability fuels resilience because we are able to speak freely and plainly about the issues at hand. If we can't talk about the things we are struggling with, the things that concern us, or the things that went wrong, we'll never be able to overcome the obstacles and breakthrough the barriers to productivity and success.

And not being able to have confident conversations around difficult topics is going to raise stress. Stress destroys productivity, gets in the way of positive communication and diminishes our ability to grow solid relationships.

So how does this work? What can you do today to both reduce stress on your team and grow stronger, more resilient relationships with vulnerability?

?? Acknowledgement

We rarely hear what people say; we hear our opinion of what people say. The best way to minimize your bias when speaking to others is to first acknowledge what the person has said to you. You do this by repeating what they've said to you before you chime in with your own thoughts.

?? Transparency

Especially when things go wrong. And extra especially when it's your fault. Owning up to mistakes is one of the most vulnerable, scary things we have to do at work. But it's also one of the most respected actions we take in our professional lives. Being transparent about shortcomings or gaffs makes it easier for others to do the same. And when we all can be honest about what's really going on, stress levels are lower and bonds are built stronger.

?? Feedback

Any time we reach an impasse and come to a resolution, it's important - but a lot of the time forgotten - to ask for feedback on how that interaction went. What could you have done better? How could you have handled the conversation in a way that felt more welcoming to the other person? Or what did you do really well that is something you can build on in future conversations? Feedback is an opportunity to give others a voice in a situation where they might not always have one. Prioritize receiving just as much as you give.

It’s okay to be resilient and vulnerable. Resilient and soft. Resilient and scared. Resilience isn’t defined by your ability to overcome fears or obstacles; it’s consistently facing a hard situation and choosing to continue forward. And in that process, you'll make your coworkers' lives a bit less stressful.

Sharon Steed is a keynote speaker, author and founder of Communilogue, an empathy consultancy. She teaches audiences the key empathy behaviors necessary to retain top talent as well as improve individual and team performance. A lifelong stutterer, Sharon uses her speech impediment to both teach what empathy is and to inspire audiences to engage in empathy actions daily. Head to her website to learn more about her work, and follow her on LinkedIn where she shares daily updates on making empathy actionable and vulnerability at work.