Want to Listen Like a Pro? Stop Doing This!

You are at your parents' home. You rummage around in a closet and discover an old box! Inside, you find a collection of memories from your school years. You dust off an old class photo from the 5th grade. Without thinking, your eyes dart up-down-left-right until, "Aha!", you spy your old self. How awkward you looked! Then, and (probably) only then, do you allow your eyes to examine all your former classmates and teacher.

Wait! What just happened? Were you worried you had been erased from the picture? Why did you scan the picture for your own photo first? Why, when walking through a clothes shop, do you examine your self in the mirror? Even before you try anything on? Why do we have an epidemic of "selfie" pictures on social media? If you were given a random stack of resumes, why would you search the biographical information of these strangers for occupations, experiences, schools, or skills that are the same as yours? When you meet people, why do you have a deep longing to find some commonality with them?

We constantly search our environment for signs of ourselves! We commonly look for things that are the same as us, similar, or that might spark a reminder of something of ours. This is a natural, nearly universal tendency for humans. Unfortunately, this tendency to focus on your self can harm your listening habits. If you have not trained yourself to be a disciplined, intentional, and authentic listener, then you probably rely upon this natural urge as your primary guide when listening to others. If so, it is killing your ability to connect with, persuade, and engage them in meaningful cooperation!

The term for the sort of listening I am describing is associative listening. If you want to be an excellent listener who builds powerful relationships and cultures, you will have to defeat this natural temptation. Associative listening occurs when the listener receives the story of the speaker and constantly draws connections in this story to their own experiences. If you want to become the kind of listener that builds relationships, closes sales, and negotiates the best value in any sort of proposition, then stop doing this one thing immediately.

Let me repeat this for emphasis. If you don't stop a habit of associative listening, you can't proceed to excellent, authentic listening. That's how important empathy is for advanced skills in listening. The great news is that by eliminating this one natural tendency that everyone has, you can accelerate your mastery exponentially. So few people graduate from this sort of stunted listening, that even small gains in this area will make you seem like a listening rock star to those who speak with you!

What does associative listening look like? When you tell a story, and I respond with a better story. When you tell me something important and I make it about me. When you have an idea, and I immediately put my own spin on it. This happens constantly in the workplace and at home. We often think we are good listeners. After all, we understood the person's story well enough to connect it to our own brand! Even if we resist the urge to "one-up" or hijack the storyline, we will be tempted to still make all the intellectual connections to self and ponder the implications of the other's story in our own life. When we do, we lose focus on the complex story-telling activity and miss out on so much meaning. And the story-teller will notice that we are preoccupied with ourselves instead of the story.

What is the alternative? The antidote to associative listening is listening analytically. Analytic listening is the practice of solely focusing on the communication of our partner. Any of our thoughts as a listener would be reserved for when they have completed their line of narrative. Our thinking power is directed to the missing pieces of their story, their main ideas, their motivations, their positions, and the next potential storehouse of their knowledge that connects to their story-as-told-so-far. We want to be not just receivers of the precious stories of others. We should be students of our valuable partners and their precious communications.

It is a constant struggle to turn the natural focus from self back towards the people in our lives that matter most. The first law of empathy- it's not about you- rules supreme when we can listen without thinking of ourselves or what we want to accomplish using the story of another.

You'll probably never stop looking for yourself first in old photos. That's OK. No one is harmed if you do. Listening is different. It is the most important thing we can do for others. It is the skill that informs us about everything and allows us access to all other skills. With every listening opportunity, put your entire mental focus upon your partner as they share. Listen deeply, reflect thoughtfully upon their message, and watch the great things that can happen in your relationships!

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Dan Oblinger is a hostage negotiator, author, and international keynote speaker. His intellectual pursuits include listening, negotiating, culture management, leadership, and resiliency. He is the author of "Life or Death Listening" and "The 28 Laws of Listening" available on amazon.com as an ebook or paperback. Dan's powerful listening skills workshop is the most in-depth dive into practical, reliable, and repeatable methods to improve your listening ability and build a loistening culture in your firm. He lives on the wind-swept prairie of the central United States. He looks for himself in photographs, but listens to others when lives matter. He'd love to listen to you describe your ideal listening skills workshop or listening culture keynote! Contact him at [email protected] or here on LinkedIn!