Want a healthier, happier life? Build good relationships with curiosity

In The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, researchers Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz share their secret in the first few pages: “Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.”

As an evangelist for curiosity, I felt validated to read that “Radical curiosity” is key to building relationships. Dr. Waldinger and Dr. Schulz wrote:

It can be a real joy to lose ourselves in the experience of another person. It can also feel strange at first, if you’re not used to it, it might take some effort. Curiosity – real, deep curiosity about what others are experiencing – goes a long way in important relationships. It opens up avenues of conversation and knowledge that we never knew were there. It helps others feel understood and appreciated. It’s even important in less significant relationships, where it can set a precedent of caring and increase the strength of new, fragile bonds.?

Yet there can be a lot of trepidation around expressing curiosity with others. For example, I once worked with a client who wanted to authentically partner with their community. So I? designed a program for their entire staff to individually build new relationships by actively reaching out with those associated with groups they wanted to connect with. Many of them felt shy or unsure about how to initiate these conversations. Some even asked, "Should I pay them to talk to me?"?

"Would you pay someone you want to get to know better as a person to meet with you? What would they think of you if you offered to pay them?" I replied.?

I stressed that they were not conducting research interviews, that they were not extracting knowledge on behalf of their institution, and that they should get to know people as people. Finally, I advised them not to take it personally if their invitation to connect was declined. Their hesitation was rooted in fearing that their curiosity would be an imposition and that their efforts might be rejected.?

This fear is justified. I've heard outrage from people who get asked questions that they feel are inappropriate or those who say they don't want to “educate'' someone about their personal experiences. It’s natural to be upset when we get asked something we don't like or don’t want to answer. I've definitely gotten into trouble for asking questions that were received as too personal. I don’t stop asking questions though. I accept that curiosity can be risky.

Thus far, we’ve been talking about being curious about someone else. Curiosity isn’t just about the pursuit of knowledge of something or someone outside of us—it’s about creating connection. I liken curiosity to a practice that we exercise, not as something you have or you don’t have. Relationship building is a key part of practicing curiosity. Building new relationships requires that I get curious about others AND I let others get curious about me. It means me sharing my own stories and believing that someone else will be interested in hearing them. Learning about other people without letting them learn about us is one-sided.?

This is where curiosity as a practice comes in. One-sided curiosity doesn’t help build relationships, which require reciprocity. There are different reasons for not letting others get curious about us:

• We don’t think we’re that interesting and have stories worth sharing
• We don’t want to appear arrogant or self-centered
• We’re very private and don’t want to share anything about ourselves
• We will only share if people ask because we don’t want to assume others want to know

I find that many people hope or expect that if we ask questions and express interest in others, the person being asked questions will reciprocate and a conversation will ensue.?

When I first met my partner’s children, I would ask them all these questions and they didn’t reciprocate. It took me months to understand that they, especially as children, didn’t feel comfortable asking me questions. That’s when I learned I have to give people permission to ask.

So, one day, I said, “You can ask me questions too.” Later on, I would prompt them, “Do you have any questions for me?” until they remembered on their own to ask me questions. We now practice the mutual curiosity necessary to build a relationship.?

I’ve participated in many one-way conversations with adults in which I don’t get asked a single question about myself. Only after I invite them to ask me questions and they don’t do I suspect them of just not being interested in me.?

Practicing curiosity with others doesn’t mean we don't have to respect other people’s boundaries or that they are entitled to crossing ours. If I sense I will make someone uncomfortable, I now ask permission, “May I ask you a question about…?”

Whenever I get asked a question I don’t feel comfortable answering, I tell people I need more time or I have to think about it or that I’m not comfortable instead of expressing outrage that the question was even asked in the first place.

Practicing the curiosity necessary to build good relationships can challenge and even scare us.?

Isn’t having a "good life" worth the effort?

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