Want to Enhance Relationships and Deepen Connections? Then You Need to Master Your Story

The following is adapted from my new book, Story Like You Mean it.

When you stop and think about it, I think you’ll agree that everything is connected: our experiences, the lessons we’ve learned, how we fit with other people, and, of course, the very world around us. If we want to deepen those connections and build meaningful relationships with the people in our lives, we need to master our story.

After all, it’s story that helps us discover who we are and where we’re going, and it’s story that helps us relate to and understand other people (and helps them relate to and understand us).

Let’s not forget, we’re all over-connected and under-related. In a world of mobile devices and apps that link us to profiles, avatars, a universe of data, we mistake empty connections for real relationships. We lose track of the stuff that really matters. 

Story brings it all back. 

It lets us engage with the other people in the room. It lets us understand life and live consistently and authentically. So no matter who you are, let’s look at how story can enhance your relationships and deepen your connections. Because once you can do that, you really can change the world.

The Myth of Technological Engagement

Some people suggest technological innovation will help us be more engaged. In theory, it will let us free ourselves from repetitive, unrewarding tasks—whether it’s office work or true assembly-line work—so we can get on with a higher order of activities: being creative, thinking, engaging. 

But that’s not what actually happens. Instead, technology creates distractions that form habits, and everyone gets pulled into a vicious snowball effect that rolls up our free time in an avalanche of digital digressions. 

Think of your life right now. How often do you feel you need a deliberate unplug? A technology break? A long walk in nature or a work out? These disconnections give us space, like meditation, because they take us back to the kind of lives we had as kids: real connections, real relationships. 

Like meditation or being in nature, story is a way of returning to a primal way of being in order to stabilize oneself. The process of developing your core story—what I call Storypathing—offers a way back to real relationships because your story muscle is your relationship muscle, too. 

It’s a Lifetime Pursuit

Building your core story, the story that not only shows your value and worth but also shows how you got here and where you’re going (I refer to this as your PeakStory), requires you to exercise those muscles.

You have to find your formative experiences and unpack them. You have to sort them into a hierarchy. You have to practice your story, first by yourself and then in low-, mid-, and high-stakes situations. 

Doing that strengthens your mental muscles. You learn what obstacles you’ve overcome to create hero stories, how you’ve worked with others in collaborative stories, and the virtuous stories of the things you love to do, that you absolutely have to do. 

Now you have to keep telling your story. Repetition is key. You don’t have to tell your story like an automaton. No artificial intelligence here! You do the drills so you can repeat the core parts in different orders in different contexts in different ways. You create a real, animated version of you. That’s your lifetime training program. 

Story is Where the Power Is

Doing the work and then telling your PeakStory, over and over again, makes it much more likely that you’re relating to other people, not just showing up for a brief connection. 

You gain more relational power, whether you’re doing the process as part of leading a team, to build a business, or to sell something. 

It doesn’t matter whether you’re the new leader in your organization or a new teacher, whether you’re running a professional development workshop or you’re doing an internship—anywhere someone might say, “Tell me about yourself,” telling your PeakStory gives you the chance for real connection.

Be on the Lookout for Ways to Better Your Game

You don’t see NBA basketball players skipping warm-ups. They still line up to do lay-ups and jump shots before all games. Do you think the pros miss a chance to take some shots? 

Of course not. 

They always move toward opportunities to better their game. It’s the same for you and your PeakStory. To better yourself, it’s all about moving toward those chances to unpack your story, to feed it into new places and spaces.

To join the ranks of the pros, repetition is critical. Repetition and variance are muscle builders behind any performance. Keep examining your performance. Tweak it, refine it, and examine it some more. 

The work doesn’t finish. But there is good news. You’re not making up this story. All these things really did happen to you. You’re just conveying the story in a particular way. 

Expect an Evolution

Of course, your PeakStory will evolve over time. When you start out telling your PeakStory—when you’re still an amateur—you’re going to be aware of all the different dynamics: the people in the room, the stakes, what you look like, what you’re wearing. 

When you become a story “professional,” two things happen. Number one, the speed at which you adjust your story gets quicker so you can land it in a particular setting, relationally, to somebody who is new to you or somebody who just walks in the room. In other words, your speed to story improves. 

Number two, it’s going to take much less effort. Amateurs use more brain activity than pros do. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. The amateur is hypervigilant to his or her actions, whereas the pro is one with the game, relaxed and confident. When you are one with your story, it’s far easier to move in and out, changing your performance of it.

Your PeakStory is reshaping you, neurologically. And every time you tell it, you become more conscious of the different nuances. You get better at becoming one with your story.

Claim the Opportunities Story Brings

If you stick to your story, it provides a way in to relationships. You become the ultimate connector. You can use your story to get yourself heard within the virtuous realm of the work that you want to do. 

And the best part is, anyone can tell their story, from leader to follower, because today everyone has the same storytelling privileges. Workers have almost as much power as the people with formal power. 

Are you claiming those windows of opportunity for storytelling?

Because that’s how your PeakStory will get you to that virtuous chapter. It provides advocacy for the thing you’re claiming that you want and deserve. It shows how your skills have strung together this theme for your life. It transports the listener back in time, then to the future, so they can know that you’re okay. 

Whether you’re a wealth advisor, a teacher, an artist, a community developer, a caregiver, a medical doctor, a military person, a first responder, the story of how you got there is the most compelling validation of why you occupy that place today. 

Change the World

If you’re missing out on telling your story, you’re not seeding people’s brains. You’re not planting the idea of yourself. 

The more you seed, the more people invite you to the party. The more people start to tell your story, the more your story becomes resellable. People become interested in you. You’re now worth remembering. 

And you know what? Along the way, you’ve managed to create and enhance relationships. You’ve deepened your connections. And you’ve started to change the world, one room at a time.

For more advice on how to create a powerful PeakStory, you can find Story Like You Mean it on Amazon

Dr. Dennis Rebelo is a professor, speaker, and career coach. He is the creator of the Peak Storytelling model, his research-based method for crafting the narrative of who you are and what drives you and why, utilized by former professional athletes turned nonprofit leaders as well as entrepreneurs, CEOs, guidance professionals, and advisers throughout the world.

Dr. Rebelo, former president of Alex and Ani University and co-founder of the Sports Mind Institute, recently received the 2020 Thomas J. Carroll Award for Teaching Excellence at Roger Williams University. He currently resides in Rhode Island.