Want to downgrade your offices and not lose staff? Try the Brexit approach!

Now, please don’t get all sniffy and appropriate. Of course Brexit is causing real pain and uncertainly for every industry and not least for those of us in the automotive sector. However, based on the premise that sometimes you just have to laugh or you’d cry, we took a look at how we can apply the lessons that we’ve recently learned from our friends in Westminster to our own business needs as we approach this time of change for our country and our businesses.

We thought that, in light of the fact that we might all find our businesses in a bit of a pinch post-Brexit, you may be considering whether you really need those lovely offices, complete with air con and functioning toilets. The problem is, will the staff see moving to some dodgy 1970s architectural carbuncle with questionable fire standards be seem as an indication that they are not as secure in their jobs as they might be? The answer: have a referendum!

Firstly, you need to set the scene. Before you put the move to the vote, leave a few magazines around – Architectural Digest will do – showing sumptuous office spaces in glamorous locations, a couple of brochures for space age coffee machines and a flyer for a company offering yoga sessions in the workplace. If at all possible have loud conversation about how the company could stop paying all this silly money to the campus facilities management and instead use it to have a smashing Christmas party, summer BBQ and give pay rises to all the staff. Do this in front of your most renowned office Gob on a Stick.

Once the rumour mill is in motion and the staff are within days of fire-bombing the facilities company, invite them to a company meeting where you will announce the highly democratic concept of putting a potential office move to the vote, giving every member of staff an equal vote in the matter. Be very careful to point out that nobody really knows what form the new offices will take until it’s put into motion, but wouldn’t it be nice to have a coffee machine with those really nice pod things and a rooftop garden for impromptu after work drinks parties? Share information on how you currently contribute to the facilities management company for such things as toilet roll for other companies, extravagancies such as cleaning and “grounds maintenance”, whatever they may be.

On the day of the vote, pop a few posters around the office with current spending details and what this could translate into, were we to stop paying these well-heeled carpet-baggers and instead spend the money on the people that really matter. If budget will stretch to it, consider having a bus sign written with pictures of yourself holding a baby. A “Leave” vote is all but guaranteed.

Once you’ve triggered “Cexit” and given notice to your current landlords, begin the negotiation process with the staff, being highly consultative and explaining that, having considered all options, a “compromise” must be sought as exiting your current contract is going to cost a bloody fortune in repainting, new signage, moving costs and IT and infrastructure nightmares. Present an “it’s not ideal of course but, if you don’t move to the 1970s monstrosity, we are faced with a hard Cexit and the company will be forced to house itself in a cowshed and use a nearby stream for running water and toilet facilities”- type solution.

At this point there may be some descent it he ranks. However, point out that this was the will of the staff, that, regardless off the consequences, they must be obeyed and after all, they have WON, and winning is absolutely more important and empowering than having nice stuff like central heating. Boom, motion passed and you’re on your way to the cost effective hell-hole. Thanks, Westminster, once again you’ve shown us the way.