Want to Build Stronger Teams? Better Flex Those Intimacy Muscles!

Welcome to Leading Disruption, a weekly letter about disruptive leadership in a transforming world. Every week we’ll discover how the best leaders set strategy, build culture, and manage uncertainty all in service of driving disruptive, transformative growth. For more insights like these, join my private email list, Disruption Dispatch.

A junior associate burst into the office.

“He remembered my name! He remembered something I said!”

She had just ridden the elevator with the CEO. Even though she was a brand-new employee, fresh out of college, the CEO remembered her and addressed her by name. She was floored.

Have you ever had a similar experience? Have you ever felt seen and heard by someone when you least expected it?

It’s an incredible experience, and on Tuesday’s livestream, I talked about why it’s such a big deal – and how you can create more intimacy in your workplace. It all starts with understanding:

What intimacy at work really means

Maybe you just got a little squirmy seeing that word: intimacy.?

It’s understandable. We automatically think of the very personal and private kinds of intimacy.

But intimacy is really just a sense of closeness.

Sure, it can be physical intimacy, like a hug or an elbow bump. But it can also be:

• Intellectual intimacy, when you exchange ideas and have meaningful conversations
• Emotional intimacy, when you feel like you can be yourself without being judged
• Experiential intimacy, which happens when you share an experience
• Spiritual intimacy, when you have common beliefs or values.

Most of us resist the idea of intimacy at work. We’ve been trained not to talk about personal things in the office. As leaders, we’re taught to create a strong delineation between personal and professional. For women (especially those in their 50s and 60s), we’re told we’ll be seen as less capable if we share our personal realities.

But think about the best job you’ve ever had or the best team you’ve ever worked with. There was a level of closeness, of familiarity, of connection. Of intimacy.?

You respected your teammates. You trusted them and accepted them. You were honest with each other. You expressed empathy and affection. These are all key elements of strong relationships –?and they’re just as important in work relationships as personal ones.

So how do we intentionally develop stronger relationships at work? How do we wade into this area of intimacy when we aren’t comfortable with it?

How to get intimate at work

Leadership is about relationships. As leaders, if we don’t have strong relationships with our employees, we simply can’t get the job done.?

We need to create comfort, safety, trust, and acceptance if we want to do the kind of work that will disrupt and transform our organizations. Without that, success will be nearly impossible.?

So, here are four ways to create more intimacy in the workplace:

1. Listen to understand. As leaders, we want to fix things – when what we should really do is become non-judgmental listeners. Make it safe for your team to express their concerns. Listen with the single goal of understanding. Then, practice mirroring back what you heard. Say, “Let me understand. You said this. You feel this. You want this. Is that right?” Then, you can ask, “What would you like to do next? I have some suggestions.” The more you can practice non-judgmental listening, the more your team will feel seen and understood.
2. Be strategically vulnerable. Get clear on what you’re willing to share to build deeper relationships. You could share something that happened to you. You could express a feeling – joy, sadness, frustration. You might say, “I’ve never shared this before, but I think people would benefit from hearing this.” Opening up about things you’re comfortable sharing can change your team’s view of you – and encourage them to share their experiences, too.?
3. Know each other. When you’re developing a relationship in your personal life, you intuitively get curious and ask questions. At work, we think, “Oh, I shouldn’t be asking this. It’s too personal.” But icebreaker questions are incredibly effective (and simple!) ways to get to know each other. You could try asking, “If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would you invite?” Or: “What’s your favorite childhood memory?” And: “What brings your joy?” Questions like these help establish a human connection, which builds that trust and intimacy we want on our teams.
4. Understand, don’t agree. Remember: Your goal isn’t to jump in and solve a problem – it’s to make a concerted effort to understand, get curious about people, and accept people for who they are. It’s about cultivating empathy and respect. When you seek to understand and not simply agree, you’re letting your team know they have your unconditional support. You might disagree along the way, but you can accept and understand each other’s opinions. This creates a safe space for your team to fully express themselves –?without fear of support being withdrawn.

If we want to tackle audacious, transformational goals, we have to be stronger leaders and build stronger teams. And it all starts with getting comfortable with developing intimacy at work and developing connections.

Creating more intimacy among team members is one way to build stronger teams. Another? Developing a culture of feedback, which is what I’ll be talking about next week. I’ll see you back here on Tuesday, February 22 at 9 a.m. PT / 12 p.m. ET.

Your Turn

There’s a lot of discomfort around using the word “intimacy” in the workplace. I’d love to hear how you feel about the word. Is it clickbait? Should we even be using the word in the workplace context? If you are comfortable developing intimacy at work, what are some best practices? I’m curious what your thoughts are. I’ve shared what I think below, and I can’t wait to read your comments!