Want a better life? Get better at distinctions! And avoid yellow snow.

Want a better life? Get better at distinctions! This isn’t book theory - here are three that have helped me personally.

As a skier I have a lot of distinctions around types of snow, not limited to: powder, grippy, tracked, breakable crust, choppy, man made, hard packed, unstable, cruddy, icy, slushy, grabby, slabbed, moguls, debris field, and the ones to really avoid… avalanche and yellow ??

Those distinctions help me recognise and name the snow, which allows me to ski better by making better choices about where and when to ski, and how to ski once I’m on or in it.

Think of anything you’re good at - you’ll have finer distinctions than most other people.

Want to be better at life? The same applies!

Three distinctions that have really help me are:

?? Courage vs Confidence ??

When you learned to ride a bike, did you have the confidence that you could do it first time? Probably not! But you probably had the courage to keep getting back on to try again.

Unfortunately as we grow up we start doing things like worrying about looking stupid, or failing, or not being as good as someone else, so we start to use “not feeling confident” as an excuse.

But confidence comes later - it’s a result of learning how to do something well.

It’s hard to muster in advance, and my experience is it’s somewhat fleeting (sometimes even for things I can already do well!)

Courage is something I CAN find when I need it though.

For example: I have gone from terrified to relatively comfortable (and even really quite good at times!) leading groups online - workshops, social events, masterminds and more. There are moments I look back on and cringe. There have been moments I’ve wondered why the hell I’m doing it. But I kept finding the courage to jump back on the bike and my confidence has grown.

(with thanks to Rich Litvin for this one)

?? Expectations vs Agreements ??

Expectations are the death of contentment and joy!

Pause for a moment to think about someone that is frustrating you. Do you have an expectation of how they should be behaving that isn’t being met?

We hold expectations everywhere - about how people should be and behave, about how situations should unfold, and of ourselves. We give our power away. We becomes victims.

If our expectations are met we mostly feel kinda neutral. If they’re not, we typically go into judgement, and experience unwanted emotions such as frustration or disappointment.

So on average, expectations lead to a worse experience of life. It’s maths! ??

How different would your life be if you let go of all expectations?

And where someone else’s behaviour is really important to you, go ahead and create an agreement with them (that means talk to them and co-create it!), or set clear boundaries. That may take *courage* - see above!

For example: I don’t have expectations about if, when and how often my friends and family should contact me or respond to my messages. Very freeing! And there are a couple of professional groups I’m in where we have created agreements around how, when and why we communicate. Very empowering!

(with thanks to Steve Chandler for this one)

?? Fix vs Allow ??

I’m great at analysing and fixing things! It’s one of my super powers! Whether it’s my bike, the washing machine, or a leak in the shed roof. It was foundational in my successful career in tech.

And it’s a terrible tool for the job when it comes to feelings!

Who wants to express their feelings only to have someone else attempt to fix them?

It’s far far better to bring empathy, and a space to allow someone to share what’s going on for them.

Allow them the space. Allow them their experience. Allow them to process.

Don’t have *expectations* about how they should feel! Have the *courage* to stay with your own discomfort!

And this applies to you and your feelings too. Allow them to flow through you, don’t push them away or try to fix them. Allow them, and allow them to inform you.

For example: I sometimes used to tell my wife why she doesn’t need to feel the way she does about someone else or a situation. It was from a good but misguided place of wanting her to feel better. And if it was directed towards me it was from a place of wanting to justify myself! Surprise surprise, it didn’t work so well! I’m now comfortable with the discomfort of whatever she wants to express and I don’t try to fix it - it’s a game-changer. I think (and hope!) she agrees ??

(with thanks to …. ME for this one!)

I love distinctions. They can flip our way of seeing the world in an instant. The ones that resonate do so because we immediately see how much better our lives will be if we embrace them. There’s nothing complicated to remember, just a simple expression that naturally leads us to new ways of being and doing.

If one of these resonates with you, I’d loved to hear - leave a comment or drop me a message. And if there’s a distinction that has helped you, please share so we can all benefit!

#distinctions #abetterlife #coaching #leadership