Walking into the Unknown with Caroline Cares Fernandes

Do you unconsciously play the part of a victim in your life? Meaning, you tend to make choices that feel safe rather than risking it all. You tend to depend on other people for your happiness. You tend to overlook the red flags in relationships. You are afraid of speaking your mind because it might cause you to lose something, a friendship, or your safety cushion. You are scared that if you stand in your power, it might cause a breakdown, a divorce or confront you to leave a job that no longer serves you.  

My guest today found herself in similar patterns of people-pleasing and seeking validation from others. Read on to learn how she changed the narrative of her story and learned to stand in her power.

My thirteenth guest for 'Walking into the Unknown' series is Caroline Cares Fernandes, Founder and Executive Coach at TIR Global. She is also the brand ambassador for several diversity & inclusion initiatives including being the founder of a 5-year-old inclusive community #VibhaforInclusion that offers 2500+ people globally, a safe space for human beings to connect, learn and grow through the ecosystem. 

Question: When did you decide to step into the unknown? 

Caroline: My journey into the unknown began almost a decade ago. Through a series of unexpected and challenging life experiences, I began to question my existence. I started asking myself questions like who am I, what is the purpose and meaning of my life? These are the questions that I don’t think I had ever slowed down to ask myself. I had centered my whole life around other people and their priorities. When some of my relationships and partnerships came crashing down, I could no longer depend on the very people whom I thought were going to be my pillars of strength.

Becoming honest with myself was one of the hardest things I did as an adult. I had to make peace with some of the choices I had made in my life. It took a lot of courage to look at myself and admit that I messed up. I had to make peace with the fact that I had turned a blind eye on my gut instincts and intuition, on many occasions. I knew all along that things weren’t right and yet, I chose to ignore the signs and pretend all was ok.

When my seemingly perfect world collapsed, initially, I felt helpless and powerless. I felt as if my ego had been shattered, and I honestly didn’t know who I was anymore. Thankfully, I didn’t wallow in self-pity for too long. Becoming the person that I am today was a journey; not an overnight shift. In retrospect, I went through a complete ego-dismantling and a spiritual awakening, at the same time.

In learning to go within and be with myself, I was able to somewhat detach from my life’s experiences. I was able to look at my circumstances through the lens of an observer. One day it dawned on me that I am not a victim in my story. This realization was a huge turning point for me because I realized that no matter what I’m going through, there is always a space in which I can own my experience.

Question: How did the decision of walking into the unknown pan out for you?

Caroline: In living through my personal and professional challenges, I have come to recognize that change is not just about doing but also about who you are ‘being’ in any situation.

Delving into meditation and coaching has been path-breaking for me. These two channels have been supremely rewarding for myself and the clients I work with. Coaching is quite telling of the human psyche and emotions. In listening to my client’s stories and challenges, I can support their journey and also reflect on my own experiences. I meditate twice daily, and it helps me tap into space where I can observe the daily musings of my life without attachment. Besides meditation and coaching, exercising has also been a massive part of my healing journey to sustain physical vitality. 

In finding my authentic voice, I had to address the challenging emotions of shame, anger, sadness, and even fear.

What has been path-breaking for me has been to give myself permission to speak up, and do the things that I want to do and when I want.

To an outsider, it may seem trivial, and yet, for me, it’s been a liberating experience.  

In my coaching experience, I have observed that many people (especially women) rely on others for their happiness.

When you depend on another person, you easily set yourself up for disappointment.

Because one, it’s not someone’s job to make you happy, and two, humans are just humans, at some point, people can easily let you down. I tell all my clients that you need to be accountable for your happiness. Show up for yourself. You know it’s okay to be you, and it’s okay to make the choices you wish to make.

As I reflect on my journey, I think I lost myself along the way, and I didn’t even know it. When you are not happy regardless of what’s going on in your life, that’s a tell-tale sign that you have lost yourself. As a kid, you are naturally wired to seek joy and happiness, and as an adult, if you are unhappy in your choices, then there’s some inner work that you can do.

Ask yourself, what am I really not feeling happy about? Is it my health? Is it my work? Relationships? What can I focus on? What’s in my control?

You can choose to address your core issues and deal with your problems head-on instead of seeking cover-up solutions.

The greatest gift that you can give yourself is honesty and a willingness to look inside.

Facing your shadows can be emotionally and psychologically taxing, and that’s why having access to a strong support community can be a huge asset. It was with this intention I started, a community for entrepreneurs, Vibha. I wanted to create a safe space for women (and men) where they could freely discuss their challenges, seek support, and know that they are not alone in their journey.

When you own up to your mess without blaming anyone – it clears up space, both, mentally and emotionally. When you become honest with yourself, you pretty much Know what you need to do to set things straight. 

Question - What are the top three lessons you learned by walking into the unknown? 

Caroline: The first lesson I learned is, Slow down and breathe. I am someone who is always on the go and thus, slowing down in terms of reflection and contemplation gives me clarity over my plans, situations and next steps. I am very present in my day to day choices, and that keeps me focused. When I slow down, I am also able to stay flexible in achieving my goals. 

The second lesson I learned is, Start wherever you are. Sometimes it’s easy to think that you need specific resources, tools, or even money to take the next step. But my journey and milestones continue to reinforce that you don’t need everything sorted to get started. Start where ever you are. Your goal might be really big but moving forward is the key because once you start to build on that movement, you start building momentum. And that’s when the other things that were seemingly missing start showing up for you.

The third lesson I learned is; You have what it takes to change your life. There are tons of resources available these days; you only have to look around. But that decision to open your eyes, reach out for help and make a conscious choice to get unstuck is on you. For me, just realizing that I had the power to make choices was a huge awakening.

In conclusion,

Regardless of how stuck your life may appear, you can choose to do things differently. You can choose to get yourself off the ground, face your reality, speak up, and stand in your power. 

I hope you learned valuable lessons from Caroline's sharing. Please make sure to connect with Caroline on LinkedIn, and Instagram.

You can check out the 'Vibha' support community on Facebook, and join the FB group here.

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If you struggle with Fear and Failure, then please make sure to check out my book on Overcoming Fear and Failure here.