Walking: Finding Intuitive Thought Step by Step

#MotivationalMonday #IntuitiveThought #walking #stepbystep #sheleadsfromwithin

Last week I celebrated 1461 consecutive walks. Yep, every day for four years. This very special accomplishment started in a moment flooded with defeat and frustration, shame and contempt.

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I stepped on the scale, braced for the worst. I looked down at the digital display flashing the verdict: eight pounds! Eight pounds? I grimaced and stepped back. Looking in the mirror, I ripped into my reflection. Really, eight pounds?

You’re away on vacation eight days and you’re up eight pounds? How does that happen?

But I know exactly how it happens, how it’s been happening for years. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with food since I was a teen. At a formative time, I learned to cope with stress, disappointment, even excitement by stuffing myself with food. Beginning in high school, my type-A determination, troublesome strength, and misdirected resolve all found solace in a binge-purge cycle that consumed my afternoons. Not sure how to deal with new and unfamiliar emotions, I pushed them down and away with soda crackers dipped in raspberry jam. I used saltines and simple sugars to nurture and sustain me, comfort and soothe, celebrate and grieve, and before the end of my sophomore year, I was in the throes of an eating disorder. I knew intuitively that food wasn’t the answer, but I didn’t know what else to do. And rather than grasp at straws, I grabbed at food. What started as a teenaged stumble on the road to emotional maturity became a decades-long coping mechanism for the vagaries of life.

I’m no longer that lost and confused teenager, but I still struggle with days that don’t go well, challenging afternoons, and times of sadness. My insecurities and sense of unworthiness too often define me and food can soften the blow. Simple sugars can take away the sting.

I’ve also learned to turn to food on days that do go well, at times of special accomplishment, also moments of great joy. Those same simple sugars and savory carbs can provide a quiet moment of pleasure and celebration.

And then I get back from an eight-day vacation, a wonderful time away with family, step on the scale, and all those feelings of frustration and disgust, shame and contempt come flooding back.