Walking on Eggshells

A reader recently commented,  "Girl, I can't believe that you shared that! I wouldn't have done it [...] I am so glad that you did, though. I thought that I was the only one. You are so secure."

I have a confession to make: I take pride in self-security, only, I struggle with important aspects of the practice. 

Just last week, I received the wonderful announcement that I will be given a pay raise-- making it the second within the last six months.

Fantastic, right? I am beyond joyed and so very grateful, however, I found that I relapsed into a poor habit: When things are going too well, I retreat. 

One raise was flattering, but two? What if I make a mistake? What if I didn't seem as appreciative as I am? What if I don't deserve it?

I spent the entire weekend avoiding Social Media, my phone, my boss!  

It gets weirder...

When I bought my house, I did not tell anyone that I needed help moving.  

I packed, lifted, unpacked, and assembled what I could.  

It took me about ten road trips, back and forth, before I finally moved everything that I could by myself.  

As I lied on a mound of blankets situated on my floor that night, contemplating how in the world I was going to load my bed in the pickup and get it to my new house, I came to the realization that I would rather abandon the bed than imposition anyone for help.  

Silly, right?  

I don't like to disappoint people. I don't like to intrude. I don't like people to see me vulnerable; witness me having a bad day because, then, they may not like me.  

I withdraw.

At a shallow glance, these do not seem like terrible attributes, rather, they personify independence and consideration of others. Right? 

Maybe not...

The truth is, all of my worries are self-occupied insecurities. 

I have met and spoken with many individuals who believe they are "Faking it": 

Faking confidence, intelligence, aptitude, likeability, etc. 

My intention in sharing this, as embarrassing as it may be, is to perhaps shed  light on your insecurities. We all have them and we all struggle with self-occupation from time-to-time. 

I realize that my posts seem selfish. Frankly, I don't know anyone better than I know myself, therefore, I write candidly;  if it resonates with you, great! If not, then please give me your feedback. I study communication and I love stories.  What is yours?