Waiting to Find the Truth

Springtime in North Dakota meant the start of the tornado season. Our little town of Page had tornado sirens that would signal the warning that locally someone had spotted a twister. My grandfather could tell long before the sirens that we were going to get hit hard by a storm and that all the conditions were right for a tornado. During these times, our entire family would head down into the basement of our home and wait. Sometimes the wait was short other times the storm would take its time to pass forcing us to remain in the basement for hours. The storms that came in the middle of the night were the worst. We would all be together and inevitability the power would go out and we only had our one flashlight to create some level of security. We would gather around the light as if it was a campfire and wait. My mother would tell us stories of times when storms had come through Page when she was growing up and how fortunate we were to have a flashlight. We waited for complete silence and then the sound of a train because we knew from the stories our parents told us that these were the two indicators that a tornado was approaching. While we waited, other tales were shared and eventually the storm would pass, and we would head back upstairs to see if the storm had done any damage to our home. It was normal and we didn’t ever question the process, we just knew that if we were told to head down into the basement, our parents were watching over our lives.

Over the last eleven weeks during this time of staying at home, I have been blessed to have my entire family together. The six of us have been living in three different homes that are all within a stone’s throw of each other. We’ve had so many hours to share meals, walks, card games and movies together. Even though for most of the stay-at-home order the sun has shined in Southern California, the light and its warmth sometimes has not reached my heart. There are times when all those around me think that everything is perfect, but my soul struggles with fear. I try desperately to look at the things around me for encouragement, but the roots of fear are deep and are difficult to cut. My wife and children sometimes are hurt by the actions my fear creates which only causes me to fall deeper into the darkness. 

For those who have never experience this darkness, be thankful. For others who sometimes struggle with finding their way through the day, I can share with you my truths that I have discovered during this time of waiting with my family. It is these truths that help remind me that each day is a gift. These are the voices of truth. 

The truth is that I have an incredible wife who loves me unconditionally. She covers me with her love each day. She sees my darkness and is not afraid. She walks into the darkness and takes my hand and whispers, “Come with me”. She embraces me and her light fills the room. She is strong for both of us and for this I am blessed. 

The truth is that my oldest son is finding his way in this new normal world and is growing strong without the boundaries that I have placed on him throughout his youth. He works hard at everything he does and has a commitment to always do his best. He loves a challenge and he will not let my own fears stop him from being successful. I see that he struggles with acceptance, probably from the many times I pushed him as a coach and a father. He looks to me not for guidance, but only for acceptance. In this time when we are together, I need to put my arm around him and remind him how proud I am that he is my son.

Those around him compliment me on how well we have raised him. I smile and thank them for their words. I know that he should be proud of what he has already accomplished, but I also need to help prepare him for the mountains he will climb on the roads ahead of him. 

The truth is that my next son is my challenger but also my adventurer. He is quick to ask why and to disagree with me. Sometimes this is difficult for me since I find comfort in order and he challenges me to look at things differently. His mornings start early with a walk down the cliff at 11th Street to surf before he starts his studies. The online school over the last few months is not his thing. He tells me that if his college is only online in the fall, he is going to take a semester off and travel to Indonesia. He is never afraid to go forward and be challenged.

I know that my challenger needs to hear my words of encouragement, not caution. I have tried to bridle his passion and instead I realize now that I need to embrace it and not let my fear cause him to hide from the adventures he seeks.

The truth is that my one twin is my perfectionist. She excels at everything she tries, her confidence is strong, but she also looks to others to confirm that what she has done is right. She is filled with song and sings out each morning the joy that fills her heart. She smiles at me and reminds me how much she loves me. She is surrounded by many friends and is constantly in motion until she crashes late at night.

Her desire to be faultless causes her to be filled with uneasiness. When things are not perfect, she becomes frustrated. I know that this is something I have taught her. Each time she wrestles with unrest, my heart goes out to her. I encourage her and try to be a cornerstone that she can model confidence in herself but so many times I let her down. I need to take time to remind her that I love her so much and that I am so excited for her future, success will come easy for her.

The truth is that my other twin is my artist. She draws with ease and plays her instruments without instruction. She loves the quietness of the moment and reflects on things with curiosity. She smiles and doesn't need to say anything. Her quietness shows others around her that she is confident. However, she is filled with worry. I only contribute to this anxiety. Her heart sees the world with a caution sign. I have only a short time to teach her to embrace the world for all that it is, not to live in fear.

I want her to know that there is nothing that will separate her from God's love. She will always be able to walk in the sands of life and be able to see those times that God has carried her. In her moments of worry I want to become an example for her to know that all things are possible with God. 

There are many fears of what lies ahead in this new normal world. I pray that God will take away the chains that cover me in the fear of the unknown. I know that God has so much more in store for me in my life. First and foremost, He needs me to love the family he has given me. He needs me to step up and be strong and accept the things that have happened and realize there is nothing I can do to change the past. I only have today, and I need to live this day that God has given me without fear and be there to protect and encourage my family. There is nothing more important than this day in this new normal world we find ourselves living in. My request of you is to find your truths and hold on to them.

I can't light no more of your darkness, all my pictures seem to fade to black and white. I'm growing tired and time stands still before me frozen here on the ladder of my life. It's much too late to save myself from falling, I took a chance and changed your way of life. But you misread my meaning when I met you, closed the door and left me blinded by the light. Don't let the sun go down on me, although I search myself, it's always someone else I see I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free, but losing everything is like the sun going down on me.  Elton John

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18