Wading through the pandemic in search of my mental wellbeing

Do you have those moments when you lie in bed and all you can think about is the email that you didn't respond to, or wondering what's waiting in your team chat or that unending task list? Or feeling guilty thoughts about how you could have done better as a mom, sister, wife? This happens to me almost every night when I am trying to fall asleep and a few hours before I wake up. After chatting with some of my peers, this seems to be so so common. One of the many things that have worsened over the pandemic, our mental health. But it also did throw the focus on mental health and perhaps brought the conversation to the forefront, even in our own lives, maybe for the first time.

For me, mental health challenges have been something that I have been surrounded by for so long in those around me, that I never really examined my own mental health. I just didn't have time for it. In the pre-pandemic years, I was so busy trying to meet all my responsibilities flying through India, the Philippines, and all the countries in between where I could get meetings or conferences - I was trying to make two businesses work, support my teams, be there for my mom as my dad's health deteriorated, be there for my siblings, be there for my husband, manage a rubber plantation through long-distance (that's another blog) - all of whom were all dealing with their own crises and needed my support. I am sure many of you have been in that state where no matter what you do, things just didn't seem to get under control. That was me. In 2019, for example, I took 54 flights - not that I went to many places - but almost all of them on low-cost airlines with long stopovers, just so I could keep up with all my responsibilities. (I did try my best to offset my carbon footprint!).

Then in January 2020, on my birthday, as I was looking at the ash fall across my office window from a volcanic eruption, I got a call that my dad passed away. I had just returned from seeing him a few days ago, so it seemed so surreal. But I found that I was immediately in planning mode, connecting with family and friends on the ground to ensure he was shifted to a mortuary, making sure my family members stayed over with my mom, my sister and I could fly in time for the funeral, etc, etc. In the next few days and weeks, I would fight with local funeral organizers who would not permit my sisters and me to perform the last rites as we were 'girls', organize public gatherings to honour my dad, go back and forth from India to the Philippines to meet work obligations. And then just as I was to hop back to India from Manila, the pandemic lockdowns hit, in March. That was when I hit the brakes. It was a big jolt. That was the first time I paused in maybe 4 years.

March and April 2020 were the hardest months for me. Most of all because I had to confront my grief. I didn't sleep for months, I had insomnia. I found it difficult to get out of bed or even get the idea that I should have done more for my dad out of my head, all those stages of grief that so many of us go through. Mixed into this was the uncertainty of the pandemic, where I did not know if we would get new clients or find new grants or actually get any business to work on in the pandemic year. It all seemed very hopeless.

But as the pandemic year plus has worn on, I have survived and thrived. It has been the year of learning big life lessons for me. Here goes:

1. Grief never goes away, it may numb but it will keep coming back in waves. And sometimes you find some tools within yourself to deal with it. But many a time you do need help. For me, it was randomly sprouting my guilt to my partner, who is a phenomenal listener, who always knew the right thing to say.
2. Leading teams during these uncertain times have built my own resilience. I have learnt to be more empathetic to others and kind to myself. And virtual work made me take extra, intentional efforts to create a space where everyone can excel in their own style and pace, however different it is from my own.
3. I have learnt to keep my eyes and ears wide open to tune in to how others are feeling emotionally - is someone having a panic attack, is someone being unusually quiet, or has there been erratic behaviour? When I look back, some of these were symptoms I missed in my dad, maybe we could have gotten him the help he needed sooner. I never want to make that mistake again. I have ensured that therapy is available for my team and family members if needed, and have found the budgets for it, even though it was not in any plan.
4. Accepting my own failures as a leader, as a business partner, as a wife has been hard. But in a year of reflection, I have found some strength to acknowledge it and not get defensive when I get called out on it.
5. Finding and keeping your tribe, your support group is what will get us through the darkest days. I have been fortunate to have this with close friends and sisters, blood and otherwise. This has been my lifeline as I waded through the dark months of grief and deep into the pandemic work-life integration. Whether it's for a brief laugh and or a cry or just some banter, it soothes your soul.

To keep ourselves mentally well through this time is no easy feat. We are all wading through this challenging time to find our stride. Don't hesitate to reach out to someone in your life when you feel down, chances are they are feeling it too and needed to hear your voice. Or if you have been thinking of checking in on someone for a while and putting it off, here is a reminder to do it.