Why vulnerability doesn't follow trust

"What comes first, trust then vulnerability, or vulnerability and then trust?"

Credits upfront: This rethink idea draws heavily from the work of #DanCoyle, #JeffPolzer and of course, the brilliant #BreneBrown.

For a long time, I thought vulnerability flowed from trust. In other words, trust needs to be in place for people to leap into the unknown and take emotional risks together.

This makes sense, right? The logical assumption is that you need trust to exist before you ask for help or share personal experiences.

Where does this come from?

Many of us are told from a young age to be careful about when and how we share our mistakes. Don't talk about your shortcomings. Don't even admit, 'I can't do this on my own, I need help.' It can lead to anxiety around being open about our fears and fallibilities - a space of uncertainty that is absolutely critical for trust. (To recap, I define trust as 'a confident relationship with the unknown.' Please see newsletter one.)

When I dived deeper into the relationship between trust and vulnerability, I realised, I had it backwards.

Vulnerability doesn't follow trust - it precedes it.

Leaping into the unknown, sharing something personal or asking for help, can be the rocket fuel for meaningful connections and the fostering of deep trust. I know this seems like a counterintuitive idea.

Taking a chance to send a vulnerability signal when you aren't quite sure how it will be received can be a powerful way to strengthen a relationship. Vulnerability first?- then trust.

A Vulnerability Exchange

Let me share a story to show this process at work. Recently, I had to sort out the daunting task of getting my finances in order. I have two young children, a mortgage, school bills - the usual stuff. I didn't have a will, life insurance, income protection and I hadn't even thought about an investment plan! I honestly found it confronting which was why I had been avoiding it. But it was irresponsible.

So I decided to meet with three financial planners and pick the one I felt I could trust the most. The first two were duds (now that's a whole other story!). I was about to go back to procrastinating about the task when I met the last financial planner on my list, let's call him Rob.

Rob started the meeting by asking how old my kids were. He shared he had children of a similar age and then asked: "What are you most afraid of going wrong?" This was a critical moment for me.

I slowly started to share my fears with him, my anxiety about dying and leaving my kids with insufficient means to live. It was painful to voice. Then, there was a second key moment: Rob decided to lean in and respond to my vulnerability as well. He admitted he had similar fears. It was the start of an incredibly candid conversation; one I hadn't had with anyone else.

The Vulnerability Loop: sending, receiving and responding

What's happened in this experience with the financial planner (And perhaps you've felt something similar?) is what Polzer calls the 'vulnerability loop.'

Here's how it works:

Person A sends a vulnerability signal

Person B receives and catches the signal

Person B responds by sending a vulnerability signal*

Person A receives the returned signal

Trust forms and a norm of behaviour is established.

**How Person B receives the signal is critical. If they don't catch the signal and respond, the loop is badly broken. If you have ever shared anything personal and not received a response you know how it makes you want to crawl back inside yourself. Urgh. When someone proposes an idea, shares anxiety or asks for help that person is giving you a little piece of him or herself. You have to catch it. In other words, sending, receiving and responding to vulnerability are equally important when it comes to trust.

The loop is a remarkable way to develop sensitivity and respect for another person's vulnerability and to become far more aware of what it's like to be vulnerable yourself.

Vulnerability loops are incredibly powerful when:

1. You are in the early stages of relationships.
2. You are in low trust teams or environments.

Have you had any experiences of the vulnerability loop at work? What happened? Please share your comments below.

Are you interested in more insights on the relationship between trust and vulnerability? Listen to my Trust Issues podcast episode with #AdamGrant - we get vulnerable together!

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