Issue 3 | On Vulnerability, Stress & Surrender

Hello Conscious Human,

In this edition, I am going to share my learnings and insights as I am reflecting on my past 5 months since I left full-time employment.

• Vulnerability is our capacity or willingness to be wounded
• Is it authentic to be sick?
• We sacrifice authenticity to keep our attachment relationships
• We cannot short-cut inner growth
• Stress can teach us how to remain aligned with our authentic self
• Stepping into our life purpose requires us to be led by our heart, not our mind

Vulnerability

Have you noticed when people share a weak moment in their life on LinkedIn? Someone sharing about having been bullied, or having been laid off, or having struggled with a career change. It takes courage to share with others and it can be incredibly valuable to others.??

Recently, I also noticed that people share their weaknesses and stories AFTER they have overcome their struggles and it all makes sense in retrospect.??

Vulnerability is our capacity or willingness to be wounded (latin: vulnerare, to wound).?

So, is it really vulnerability when someone shares their story after the fact from a place of power? So many of us talk about ‘radical transparency’ and ‘vulnerability’ but how far are we actually willing to go??How far am I willing to go?

I may regret 'sharing too much' but here goes ...

I left full-time employment 5 months ago, and I would looove to tell you how I have overcome all my barriers and weaknesses and how I am now a successful and happy entrepreneur (or whatever) doing my own thing.?

The truth is, I am still right in the middle of what I want to call ‘transition’ without clarity on what it is exactly that I am transitioning to. I don’t have a hero’s journey to tell (yet). All I have is a willingness to learn and the hope of becoming a somewhat upgraded and better version of myself, one that gives me the sense that it was all worth it at the end. ??

Whilst so many around me seem to ‘really take off’ and do what they are meant to do, it appears, I am still in a phase of stillness and healing. And boy, I can tell you how annoying this is (to my ego and inner masculine).?

But what I have come to understand about living one’s purpose is that,?

1. purpose is NOT this one thing that we do for the rest of our lives once we connected to it;?
2. it can be our purpose to do nothing, or just to sleep more, or to heal; and by giving space for these “mundane things” we might actually be in full alignment with our purpose at the given moment.?

And so, I am learning to accept that 'doing nothing' (as perceived by my inner masculine) may be the most authentic thing for me to do right now.

What Stress is teaching me?

I would looove to tell you that I USED TO HAVE asthma and atopic dermatitis. But I am still right in the middle of it. In fact, these dis-eases have come back into my awareness after many years of “having managed them away” with medication.?

I had recently asked myself, is it authentic to be sick? Are these dis-eases part of who I am??

In my case, these illnesses started very early in life so I don’t know myself without them. In fact, the underlying trauma that triggered them most likely occurred before I had language (no language = no thoughts).?

After many years of intensive personal development and self-coaching I felt I had reached the limit of mind-based coaching. Fortunately, my intuition led me to body-based approaches such as breathwork and somatic emotional releasing, and it is here where I continue my journey towards authenticity.

When we were little, we favoured attachment over authenticity (Dr Gabor Maté). We wouldn't risk damaging our relationships to our parents or guardians because our survival directly depended on them. We rather dropped a part of our authentic self.?

Have you been “too sensitive”, “too loud”, “too curious”, “too logical”, “too playful”? Perhaps it is time to reclaim this part of you and give it permission to express itself!?

Both asthma and dermatitis are stress related illnesses, and I decided to finally listen to what my body is trying to teach me (without numbing it with antihistamine and cortisone).?

And here is what I have learned so far:?

• There is an increase in stress when I ignore or bypass emotions?
• There is an increase in stress when I am out of alignment with myself, my truth or my path?
• There is an increase in stress when I stagnate (energy needs to flow); in other words, natural movements such as dancing, walking, or even cleaning the house gets the energy in flow and counteracts sensations of stress.

Confession (another one).?

I was trying to bypass my anger. I am not a big fan of anger or rage due to my early experience of an ‘explosive’ parent. Besides, there is almost always another emotion underneath anger, such as frustration, hurt, shame, or disappointment. And so, I just didn’t feel angry but rather dealt with what was underneath.?

Big mistake.?

• Emotions have an energy, and this energy is stored in our body if left unexpressed (and may manifest as physical illness later). ?
• Emotions are not logical nor do they need any reason (only our mind does).?
• Emotions want to be seen and acknowledged (rather than 'fixed').
• Our bodies have the need to express what they couldn’t at the time the original situation or trauma occurred.?

So I found a safe way to express anger without hurting myself.?I unleashed my inner dragon and passionately destroyed my pillow. ??

And my stress, manifested as itchiness in my case, disappeared immediately.

Surrender

I was so eager to become this new version of myself and to reach my new destination that I had lost access to joy and ease. I had met others who became self-employed, or who went through an awakening similar to mine, and they had all told me “it takes time”. Non-sense, there must be a faster and smarter way.?

Well, it appears you cannot short-cut inner growth. ??

Every time I thought I got it now, I have the clarity I need to get going, the illusive finish line disappeared like a Fata Morgana.?

And so, I am surrendering.?

I am surrendering to knowing and not knowing, to learning and unlearning, to building and deconstructing, to taking one step forward and five steps back. ??

I am surrendering to the idea that I am doing exactly what I am meant to be doing, even if my mind doesn’t agree nor understand. ?

I am surrendering to my own inner wisdom, allowing myself to be led by my heart and intuition and to be supported by my mind (not the other way round), even if it feels uncomfortable more often than not.

• Dr Gabor Maté, Attachment vs Authenticity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW3-ut8vqYs
• This is an older but shorter and equally great version of Christina's advice on finding one's purpose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSJaq1Ahx9c&t=329s